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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

my SIL has lost her baby at 31weeks pg :(

34 replies

lucykate · 18/05/2006 08:56

my brother's just rung, they've just come back from the hospital after having a scan last night to confirm the babies heart has stopped beating. they are having a day or so to come to terms with it before she will be induced.

OP posts:

pucca · 18/05/2006 08:57

Very very sorry,can't even imagine how you all feel.

xxxx

PanicPants · 18/05/2006 08:57

omg how sad.

poor poor woman :(

sassy · 18/05/2006 08:58

Oh no.

How awful for them and for your family.

biglips · 18/05/2006 08:59

oh no what a shock!

fairyjay · 18/05/2006 08:59

So sorry.

PinkKerPlink · 18/05/2006 08:59

:( how awful, Im so sorry

Esmummy · 18/05/2006 09:02

Oh my god ! How on earth can this happen ?

So so so unbelievably sad :( I don't really know what to say

Original poster

lucykate · 18/05/2006 09:15

brother said she'd been a bit worried over the last couple of days due to decrease in movement, to a point where they contacted the midwife. but last night, the baby wasn't kicking at all and midwife couldn't find a heartbeat so they had a scan.

i feel for them so much, they knew it was a girl and had already picked the name lily.

they already have a dd who is the same age as my dd, so i've offered to have her at the weekend, probably the best way i can help them atm.

i've m/c twice, but never a stillbirth, can't begin to imagine how that feels

OP posts:

LadyTophamHatt · 18/05/2006 09:17

God, this has made me cry.
You prro SIL and Brother.....

trace2 · 18/05/2006 09:23

oh so sorry !

Original poster

lucykate · 18/05/2006 09:26

have to admit, when he rang i could tell something was wrong, he just blerted out lily has died and i just crumpled. the hospital they are going to are very good, its the same one i went to with my m/c's and they deal with losses very sympathetically. they will be given loads of info about councilling and i told him to make sure they go.

oh no, i feel bad i've made you cry LTH, i've read your posts and know you're feeling a bit emotional, you take care of yourself and your new bump

OP posts:

Esmummy · 18/05/2006 09:31

Can't even begin to imagine how they must be feeling LucyKate. Terrible :(

LadyTophamHatt · 18/05/2006 09:35

Noooo...lucykate, don't worry about me!

I know it's very very early days for your SIL and brother but maybe you could point them towards MN. You know how good we are at times tike this and SIL will be able to "talk" to people on here who have been through the same thing.

Sending them lots of love, and you.
xxx

niceglasses · 18/05/2006 09:39

No advice, but thinking of you. Can't imagine their pain.

Love

motherpeculiar · 18/05/2006 09:39

so sorry to hear this

my sister went through an inducement recently but the baby was just 15 weeks

it's just awful - I feel so sad for your sil and bro

agree with whoever posted about taking up the offer of counselling - hopefully the hospital will sort out things like photos, prints etc which they might like to have for later

sorry again

Marina · 18/05/2006 09:44

Really sorry to hear about Lily's death lucykate, how awful for you all :(

It sounds as though the hospital is one of the good ones for dealing with stillbirth sensitively, so presumably they will offer information about SANDS and maybe also have a Bereavement Midwife in post to help your brother and his wife through this most grim of experiences.
Thinking of you all. XXX

And how awful about your sister too MP. I hope she is getting good support through the hospital or her GP :(

Clary · 18/05/2006 09:50

Lucy kate I am so sorry to read this.
A friend of mine had something similar with her second DD, the baby had tied the cord round her neck (this happens, very rarely) and it was just something that was no-one’s fault, tho I am sure it must be hard not to blame yourself (or look for someone to blame).
I am sure the hospital will lead them the way of seeing and holding the baby, grieving etc. Certainly my friend named her baby, had a funeral etc. There was a happier ending in that she went on to conceive her ds (naturally as well, after 2 assisted conceptions) within the year.
You sound as if you are being very supportive too. I think all you can do is be there when they need you.

Bugsy2 · 18/05/2006 09:51

Oh LucyKate, that is so sad. Big sympathy to your brother & SIL.

Original poster

lucykate · 18/05/2006 10:27

hopefully i can offer them some positive reassurance myself once they are over the worst. my second m/c was on 27th may 2004, but on the 27th may 2005, i gave birth to ds

i'm pretty sure they will want to try again in the future.

just spoken to our mum, its quite alarming how many second babies have been lost in our family. my mum's younger brother died a few days after he was born, when my mum was having my younger brother, there were twins and she lost one, i m/c my second to name but a few.

mums looking after their dd today, they've both gone to bed as they're both worn out, it was 3am when they went to the hospital. sil hadn't gone to sleep last night, she just had a feeling something wasn't right

OP posts:

cupcakes · 18/05/2006 10:44

I'm so sorry.
A friend of dh had a similar experience when she was (I think) 37 weeks. She hadn't felt any movement and so had a scan which showed that he had died. She then had the inducement.
After he was born they dressed him and took photos (which dh printed). I never found out what reason was given for his death but dh said that in the photos it looked like he hadn't developed properly - one of his hands looked odd and another was hidden in a pocket. Obviously not a reason for his dying but there were obviously some problems with his development. It just seems to unbearably cruel that if that was the reason for his dying that it hadn't happenened in an early mc.
They had a service for him and he was buried in the children's section at their local cemetary.
It was a really sad time which I found difficult as ds was only a few weeks old at the time.
I've since had a mc but that still didn't compare to the grief I felt for them.

Original poster

lucykate · 18/05/2006 10:51

they've said no to having a post mortum, they're not sure it would really achieve anything so would rather leave her intact.

OP posts:

Esmummy · 18/05/2006 10:57

When DD was about 6 weeks old a client of mine had a daughter who was still born. there were no problems, she went into labour naturally and when the baby was born she wasn't alive.
I have no idea what the outcome of everything was, I know they were demanded to know what had happened. They named her Sophia and now have a son called Tom who was born happy and healthy late last year

frumpygrumpy · 18/05/2006 11:20

lucykate, what sad sad news, my legs have got tear splashes on them as I type. My heart goes out to them and to you, it must be one of the worst possible things to happen to parents. I wish you all strength for the days and peace for the nights. Love to Lily, gorgeous name, sleep peaceful x.

(useless info, Annie Lennox had a stillborn babe a few years back)

CarlyP · 18/05/2006 12:55

how v v sad. thinknig of them and all your family.

LIZS · 18/05/2006 12:58

Oh that is so sad

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