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Original poster

Please help me write a letter to someone who lost one twin

31 replies

KristinaM · 09/05/2006 19:07

A colleague had twin girls recently and one of them died at a few days old. I don’t know much about it as she is not a close friend, I only know her through work but as we were pregnant at the same time we used to talk about our pregnancies.
I would like to send her a letter but I’m at a loss on what to say. Usually when someone’s bereaved I would send a card/note saying something simple like “ So Sorry to hear about your loss” or “Thinking of you at this sad time”. But that doesn’t seem right under the circumstances. Do I send a “ congratulations on your new baby” card and an “In Sympathy” one??? Or is a note better?

OP posts:
hewlettsdaughter · 09/05/2006 19:11

Hi KristinaM - haven't talked to you in a while :)

I have no experience of this situation but I would guess a note starting with congratulations on the birth of your babies would be nice.

Original poster
KristinaM · 09/05/2006 19:21

hey hd good to hear from you. sorry about typing bf at the mo.

i just dont know what to say. worried about getting it wrong , you know......

OP posts:
hewlettsdaughter · 09/05/2006 19:23

I know. I think if it was me I would get a tasteful baby card (not one that said anything specific though) and then write a note inside.

May I offer you belated congratulations? How old is your baby now?

Original poster
KristinaM · 09/05/2006 19:28

thank you. ds1 was two last week and ds2 is nearly 5 months. how are you and yours?

OP posts:
hewlettsdaughter · 09/05/2006 19:33

Yes, it was ds2 I meant - not sure I ever knew when you gave birth/whether you had a boy or a girl.

(Sorry to drift from the subject, by the way - I'm sure someone else will be along soon to offer advice!)

Original poster
KristinaM · 09/05/2006 19:38

Had a boy on 12 dec, a spectacular 19 days late. Do you remember I was the last of the April Mums to give birth? Well ditto the November ones. Obviously my body does not produce whatever hormone starts off labour

OP posts:
Original poster
KristinaM · 09/05/2006 19:41

As I'm still on mat leave from work i only just heard the sad news about this colleague. I think she gave birth a couple of weeks ago. I know teh babies had twin to twin transfusion???? I think it means one baby doenst grow well?

OP posts:
Original poster
KristinaM · 09/05/2006 21:48

.

OP posts:
Original poster
KristinaM · 10/05/2006 08:46

Anyone? I know its a sad subject......

OP posts:
pindy · 10/05/2006 09:03

I would send a note, congratulating her on the births and then move on to say how sorry you were to here the awful news about one of the twins.

If you feel inclined offer to meet and have a chat, she may not take you up on the offer, but at least you will feel you have acknowledged the event and she will appreciate someone caring about her.

When I lost my first dd, (not a twin so different circumstances) I wanted to talk about it, but everyone I was pregnant with (IYSWIM) kept away in case it upset me, that was the last thing I wanted them to do. She will also want to talk about the surviving twin.

Good luck, not sure this is much help.

Original poster
KristinaM · 10/05/2006 11:38

Thanks Pindy, thats helpful

Sorry to hear about your DD Sad

OP posts:
hewlettsdaughter · 11/05/2006 16:38

Have you written to her now Kristina?

Original poster
KristinaM · 11/05/2006 22:52

NO I am still agonising about what to say. I have bought a baby gift though.....

Do I saw congratualtions on the birth of your daughters and so sorry to hear one died???? I just cant find the words Sad Sad...the more i thing about it the more worried I am that I will say something terribly wrong and hurt her

OP posts:
Original poster
KristinaM · 11/05/2006 22:53

I knwo this brings up a lot of difficult issues for me which is why I'm finding it so hard to know what to say

OP posts:
waterfalls · 11/05/2006 23:07

Rather than go from congratulations too sorrow in the same note (just does'nt seem right) I would write something happy medium, eg, thinking of you at this bittersweet time..............

Miaou · 11/05/2006 23:09

Kristina, this happened to a mumsnetter, well, she had twins but one was stillborn. I remember her saying that it was important that she was congratulated on the birth of both the babies, not just the one that survived.

I would be honest, really - tell her that you can't imagine what she must be going through, but that she will be in your thoughts over the next few weeks and months.

I'm a bit reluctant to link to the thread I'm talking about simply because it is so emotional, but if you know which poster I am referring to then you can find it in the archives in the birth announcements section (I have just checked). There are some eloquent posts on there which might help you.

bubble99 · 11/05/2006 23:10

'Bittersweet' is very appropriate. Be sure to congratulate her for her surviving daughter. Or she may get lost in the sadness.

cat64 · 11/05/2006 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bubble99 · 11/05/2006 23:13

Miaou. I was just thinking of you. Smile

Kristina. I am 15 months on from losing my gorgeous DT2/DS4 (Bo) and I know that the mother you're talking about will still be shell-shocked. I have read and re-read cards and letters from that awful time and from DT1's first birthday, and they help.

Miaou · 11/05/2006 23:22

bubble, I have just been biting my nails hoping I didn't upset you by my post!!

Hope the move goes well hun Smile

Original poster
KristinaM · 11/05/2006 23:28

thank you Bubble - i thought of you as soon as i heard about her loss. We are also approaching the first anniverary of a bereavement ( different circumstances) & I knwo that's why I'm finding this so hard. Too close to home. But also why i'm so determined to do / write something and not just ignore it IYSWIM .

i admire you for being able to re read the cards - we have put ours away and havent yet summoned up the courage to look at them again

OP posts:
bubble99 · 11/05/2006 23:32

Not at all, Miaou, I don't think you could ever upset me. X

Kristina, I still haven't been able to look at his photos. Not sure when I'll be able to do that. I almost prefer how I remember him.

Miaou · 11/05/2006 23:34

aw bubble, what a lovely thing to say. Smile

Original poster
KristinaM · 11/05/2006 23:39

But photos dont capture the real person in the way that memories do

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bubble99 · 11/05/2006 23:42

My only 'live' memories of him are from seeing him yawn and try to touch his twin brother during the later scans. That and feeling him wriggle and kick. It is difficult to reconcile these memories with the perfect doll that I was handed after his delivery.