A message of hope

[Helyantha]

Just over 6 years ago my beautiful 6 year old boy died after an accident. I never thought I would recover from his loss and in many ways I haven't, but that's ok. My life is so different now, but it is life and there are lots of good things. Our son is with us always in a special, quiet way, like whispers in the wind.
I just wanted to let those of you at the beginning of this dark path that you will learn to live with the pain and it doesn't mean leaving your loved ones behind. As a very wise woman on these boards says: 'One foot in front of the other, and don't forget to breathe.'

Thank you hely for those words of comfort and for holding our hands. At the beginning of this awful journey it feels like there's such a long way to go but it really helps knowing that it gets more bearable further along.

I recognise that quote from that very wise (and very old ) person!

I absolutely agree Helyantha, you learn to cope with the pain and can manage it much better over time. I imagine it is like a chronic health condition; you learn coping mechanisms which obviously take a while to get in place and then even longer to master. It can still take your breath away even further down the line but not as often and not for as long.

In the early days I never would have thought it possible to say my DT1s name without crying, now I can laugh and joke with his DB about what he would be like and how wonderful it would be if he were here causing mischief with his siblings.

Thank -you Helyantha and you oh wise word person.

Oh thank you ever so much for that, I am just about reaching the 3 month point of losing my 3 year old son suddenly and am really struggling, both in the day to day and in worrying about the longer term and how on earth I am meant to get through the rest of my life without him by my side. So good to hear something positive. I will refrain from asking you intricate details on how on earth you managed it because thats not the point, but just knowing that you feel like that helps so much thank you and I am sorry you have to live without your little one xxxx

There are still (many) times when the magnitude of what happened is overwhelming - I feel like I'm in a parallel universe sometimes. But I've tried to reach beyond what I can't change & accept the life we have now without him. Gosh that sounds trite & I don't mean it to. I absolutely don't have the answer but I was so frightened in the early days that our broken family was all that was left & there was nothing to look forward to :(

I think the more hands we can hold, the better. And maybe our angels' wings can hold us too :)

No it doesn't sound trite at all, they the exact things that I think, what is the point in the family that is left its not the family I want or expected and we were so happy before. I completely understand what you mean. I think the accepting life now without him is absolutely what I have to do but something that I am really struggling with. My husband feels he is working through to acceptance on a very early level, no way I am. My health visitor says I seem to be 'stuck'.

I agree its better to reach out to others in the same situation, sometimes thats all that keeps me going when I feel desperate and that I cant live a minute more without him, that there are others in the exact same situation at the same moment and they are struggling on too.

I really do appreciate what you say, and hope that further down the line I will be able to offer the same hope to someone else.
xxxx

It's such early days, love - don't worry about how things are, just be for a while. If I'm truthful, I've never really accepted that he's gone but one day I started to wake up more able to look outwards inside of inwards or backwards. Does that make any sense at all?

Hold tight to your love for your little boy, & it will get you through x

I agree, was playing with my little girl this afternoon, and thinking that my other two are what I have left, my expectations of life have been fundamentally changed but that is not a reason that I should not try to make life as full as I can for them. It's not their fault that their brother died, and to be honest, they wouldn't (probably) be affected by it (yet) if it wasn't for their parents being upset.

You all keep me sane. It means so much to be able to communicate with others who are mourning a child/children especially when I can vaguely see a path to the future that holds some hope.

Thank you helyantha. Just starting on this path myself and it really does help to hear this. At times I feel like I'm drowning in condolences and what I really want is someone who's been there to say you CAN and you WILL get through this and that life will be worth living again.

Firsttobed your words strike a chord with me. I put my DD to bed tonight and as I watched her fall asleep I promised myself that I will not blight her childhood by being sad all the time. She's not yet three so I don't think she'll remember too much about this time hopefully but I can see that it will affect her if I become detached and stop planning for the future or give up on happiness.

Helyantha, thanks so much for starting this thread. It's now eight months since we lost Sylvie-Rose and there are times I just don't want to live this life. But we don't have a choice and it's nice to know that live can be worth living again.

matilda my little girl's a similar age. It's not fair on them to have sad parents, well not all the time anyhow I agree. But somehow so hard to put good intentions into reality.

Thank you Helyantha. It is two weeks today since we learned our beautiful son had died, two weeks tomorrow since he was born, so we are just beginning to walk this impossibly hard road. In some ways I feel better able to handle mourning him intensely, full time, as we do now, than I do to imagine the rest of my entire life without him. I really needed to know that it is possible to go on living. Thank you.

Loss changes us & because the loss of the child is mercifully rare, we don't have the mechanisms any more to deal with those changes. I remember feeling totally separated from 'normality' &, to some extent, that remains. Family relationships change, sometimes for the better, & friendships in particular are tested. This is all terribly isolating &, I feel, is a 'hidden' impact of loss. There's a very intense period at the beginning ('drowning in condolences' as Matilda so eloquently says) & then we're supposed to, somehow, get on with life.

Thank you so much for your posts Helyantha. My DD1 died earlier this year after an accident. I'm emerging from the initial numbness now but it is frightening contemplating life without her, always wondering how things would have been as compared to what they are now. I am scared that by moving on I am forgetting her, or that people will assume I am, but how could I ever do that? She still means the world to me and always will. I miss her so much.

Thankyou helyantha I am still trying to find some kind of normality after the sudden death of my son 2 years ago, your words give me hope xx

Thank you hely your words have givenme hope after a very tough day. My husband died suddenly 8 weeks ago, we have three young DC and all I want is to be able to get through this and give them a good (and hopefully happy) life. Thanks.

Hello all. I think the prospect of facing life without our loved ones is terrifying, so I try to live 'now' as much as I can. The trouble is that 'now' can be pretty horrible too, can't it? :( I read a lot in the beginning, desperately trying to find a comparable experience, & trying to find a way through that would help my other boys.

So sad to see you here, but it's such a comfort to know there are others who understand.

I read a lot too but I actually read lots of spiritual books by mediums and people who had near-death experiences. I kind of wanted to know where she was and what she was likely to be doing. I did find it comforting and I do believe in an afterlife but of course you can never be 100% sure one way or the other.

Why did no-one ever say being a parent could be so hard. Nearly 10 months since our darling 2nd daughter was born and died. I look forward to the day that I feel like I'm really living again rather than existing. I have so much to be thankful for but find it hard to reconcile that with the huge gaping loss.