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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DS has wrote something really bad ......

29 replies

twoforone · 12/12/2004 21:45

I have two ds's. One is 7, the youngest is 3.

A few days ago ds's were playing upstairs. When they came down, ds2 said that ds1 had 'licked his willy.' Obviously i was totaly shocked to say the least. I questioned them both, after a while ds2 said that it hadn't really happened. Ds1 didn't seem phased and said he didn't know why ds2 had said it. But i couldn't get it out of my mind, as it isn't something a 3 year old just says.

Now today, i found something that ds1 had wrote. It was wrote to ds2, who obviously hasn't read it, as he can't read at 3. It said 'to * (ds1) I love you. Can i bite your willy, will you suck my willy?'

I really need help with how to deal with this.

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spacedonkey · 12/12/2004 21:50

Argh twoforone! I would say try not to panic first of all. Ds1 has probably been talking to other boys in the playground about "rude stuff" and he's brought it home with him. Not saying that's definitely the case of course. I would pick a quiet time and have a gentle chat with ds1 to try and find out where this has come from.

paolosgirl · 12/12/2004 21:55

It is probably just something he's heard in the playground - but there is always the outside possibility that it is something else. I understand it is shocking, but I think it's really important that you speak to him about it. Try and keep calm, and sound offhand, but perhaps you could go back to the 'bottoms and willy's are private' conversation, and ask him if someone at school has said something? I don't want to frighten you, but it might also be worth checking that no-one has tried to do this to him. Praise him lots for telling you, whatever he comes out with, and good luck. They certainly keep you on your toes, kids, don't they!

saintlysecur · 12/12/2004 21:57

oh dear I owuld say this needs following up-I agree it is probably just playground talk, but ou need to be sure. I feelfor you though-having had this type of converstion with dd2 (6 then) I know how hard it can be.

My advice is that it is realy important not to lead him-ask only open questions, do not say-has someone.. have you... did ... this puts words in thier mouth and they try to say what they think you want them to say.

Open questions are relly hard to formulate, it could perhaps start with why did you write... How does that writing make you feel... but I am not sure, you know ds best.

FimboCLAUS · 12/12/2004 21:58

It could just be another "phase". My sil once caught her ds and his friend examining each others to see if they looked the same! Both mothers told them in no uncertain terms that they were not to show their private parts off even to friends and it never happened again.

saintlysecur · 12/12/2004 21:59

on the subject of praise-it is important you are careful, if he tells you something revealing and you praise him, he may make things up/twist reality to give you what you want in order to get more praise.

spacedonkey · 12/12/2004 22:00

I'd say avoid any sort of accusatory tone. No need for praise really.

Original poster

twoforone · 12/12/2004 22:12

Thanks everyone.

I think the thing that worries me most is that ds2 said that ds1 had licked his willy. But in the end i just fobbed it off.
Now with this 'letter' putting them both together, i am worried that he may have actualy done that.
I did talk to him, saying the usual that that area is private, not for anone else to touch etc.
I also said i wouldn't like it if anyone did anything like that to him, and he said that he wouldn't let anyone do that to him!!
So i said if he wouldn't let anyone do that to him, then he must never do anything like that to anyone else.
It is just that i will be scared to leave them alone together now.

OP posts:

saintlysecur · 12/12/2004 22:16

it really is probably mothing, but you do need to know-ss were a big help to me-they really didn't push anything, you could just ask for some advice about asking open questions-you do not have to give your name.

It is possible that this has happened-but that may not be the end of the world, just an extended version of the normal touch and learn phase.

paolosgirl · 12/12/2004 22:20

Can I just say, that without going into details, it is important that you do praise them for telling you something that may not be what you want to hear, but may be very distressing for them - if it is something serious. In most cases, it is playground talk, and I think most kids discover willies and bottoms at some point!

fostermum · 13/12/2004 00:09

i agree talk talk talk but keep it casual,or he will clam up if he thinks something is wrong,

mikeyjon · 13/12/2004 00:42

it must be really scary to find something like this. im sorry that you are having to deal with it could he have seen something on the telly? it might even be big kids at school showing off or repeating things that they've heard. it doesnt have to mean that somethings bad happened to him although thats probably your biggest fear. i think that you are handling it the right way and am sending you all big hugs xxxx

Christmassbee · 13/12/2004 00:51

It could just be playground speak that your 7 yr old has picked up and passed on so to speak.

If it were me I'd talk to them seperately about keeping privates private etc and see if it anything gets said again. My 2 like walking round in the nod a lot but I think they are aware that no one else should touch their privates.

Could you also try and watch them play without them realising??? just to reassure you?

sparklymieow · 13/12/2004 06:26

I think this is playground talk too, I think that your DS1 may have been told that you do these things when you really love someone, and he thought it was ok. (though why a child (not your DS) would know about oral sex is beyond me!! ) My DS is nearly 7 and so far sex hasn't come up..... I am waiting

Original poster

twoforone · 13/12/2004 11:05

Thanks all again for the reasurances.

I am going to have a chat with DS after school later. We have a good relationship, and he normaly can tell me anything. People in our family often comment on how open he is with me, so i am hoping this will stand me in good stead for our chat later.

OP posts:

spacedonkey · 13/12/2004 11:06

Good luck twoforone X

saintlysecur · 13/12/2004 14:20

hope it goes well TFO

Original poster

twoforone · 13/12/2004 17:11

Well he has admitted that he did do it.

I asked him about it, and told him that if he told me the truth, then he wouldn't get into trouble.

When he did tell me, he was very upset. He said he knew it was wrong, but had done it in more in play than anything else. But had realised how bad it was when ds2 had come downstairs and told me, and he saw the reaction on my face.

He has said he now understands that anything like that is not accepted under any circumstances. We have chatted about it a lot, and i did praise him a lot for telling the truth. It must have been very difficult for him to have told me.

Do you think that is enough? Do i just leave it now.......or is there anything else i should do? You lot are the only ones i can ask, it isn't the kind of thing you just casually ask people about. I also wonder if he is 'unusual'(iyswim) or if it happens more than people know and others don't find out, or tell anyone else.......

OP posts:

mikeyjon · 13/12/2004 17:19

did you ask him why he wrote the note?

Original poster

twoforone · 13/12/2004 17:22

I did, he just said he 'doesn't know'...not much help i know.

OP posts:

mikeyjon · 13/12/2004 17:25

he's probably embarrassed about it. as long as you dont suspect anything other than him picking talk up from the playground then it'll probably be all forgotten about soon. i dont think theres anything 'wrong' with ds1, all kids experiment at some point - me and my sister used to practice 'snogging'.

mikeyjon · 13/12/2004 17:26

although i'd never tell anyone else!!!!!

snowmeltsonthebeach · 13/12/2004 17:32

we had something like this in my house with exactly the same age gap, where doctors and nurses was going a bit too far for my liking. I don't think that you need to take it any further with ds1, although I think you need to make it clear to ds2 that you were sorry you didn't believe him and get ds1 to apologise to him, in front of you. I would just repeat the chat that you have already had and keep an eye on them. I was quite stern with my dd (7) at the time and told her that it was a pity that I would have to keep such a close eye on her from now on.... it hasn't happened since. Good luck and I do feel for you in this situation.

connyflower · 13/12/2004 17:32

my niece only yesterday tried to snog me insisting that she knew how to do it, shes 3! was pretty scary,
think youve handled the situation really well, its a shock a big shock but probs so innocent, he wont have a clue why its so wrong, ! hope your ok

saintlysecur · 13/12/2004 18:51

it sounds to me like you have handeled this really well, if I were you I would now leave it, just be alert to anything that may get the warning bells going again-but it sounds like you have got his trust to tell you the truth-and that really is the most important thing.

Did he say where he heard this from, or how he knew about this behaviour?

PocketTinsel · 13/12/2004 19:31

TFO - i've been reading this thread, but didn't post as i really didn't have anything to say that could help . I just wanted to post now to say well done. Even that doesn't sound like enough, but well done.

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