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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Who has a good method for getting primary school aged dc to do what they're asked....without asking over and over again?

32 replies

Earlybird · 06/12/2007 19:01

I'm fed up of sounding like a parrot every morning/evening - for example, one of the many things I say repeatedly: 'brush your teeth, brush your teeth, brush your teeth, BRUSH YOUR TEETH NOW! 'you dont have to speak to me that way Mummy'. And then I often reply 'well, I didn't speak to you that way the first 3 times I asked'. And so it goes...

Does anyone have a solution, or is this an unavoidable phase? Surely at almost 7 we shouldn't be having this same scenario every day? It makes me feel grumpy/guilty, and it's not the how I want to interact with my dd. We should be baking cakes and singing songs and laughing and joking mostly....shouldn't we?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

karen999 · 06/12/2007 19:06

I told my dd that the school had sent a letter home asking parents and children to ensure that they went to bed at 8pm every night - it worked!! Maybe you could try the same thing with regards to brushing of teeth.....

karen999 · 06/12/2007 19:07

Not the parents to go to bed at 8pm - only the children!!!

sarahhal · 06/12/2007 19:08

Oh no, not until he is 7, I can't bear it DS has just done his first term in reception and is a little swine at the moment. Everything is a bloody battle - getting dressed, tidying up, putting shoes on. Say no to him and he has complete melt down and hysterics.

Nearly two more years then Earlybird?

Iota · 06/12/2007 19:10

we use your method Earlybird

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 06/12/2007 19:11

No method here other than shouting progressively louder and wanting to scream!

Will watch with interest!

scrummyfairyontopofthetree · 06/12/2007 19:12

Earlybird - I think they are all the same in a morning - DS1 10 and DS2 8 are dreadful.

It isn't that they don't have enough time to do the things I ask them to do as we get up at 7.00am - they just turn their ears to off.

I always get the "you don't have to speak to me like that - I heard you the first time" - well why the feck did you not do it then?

Do they want me to start my day frazzled even before I get to work - I think so!

ImdreamingofaGROUCHYxmas · 06/12/2007 19:14

Earlybird If you find out please let MNHQ know so they can log it as a tip. I've only asked DS to do 4 things today several hundred million times and he has done

None at all

My head is sore from beating it against a wall.

Original poster

Earlybird · 06/12/2007 19:15

Brushing teeth is only one of many examples. I could just have easily have written:
come to the table
Eat your food
please get dressed
Get your coat
Get in the bath
Put on your pajamas
etc, etc etc

It applies to most every single thing. She is off in her own little world (and I'm all in favour of vivid imaginations), and either doesn't hear me or doesn't move until I've spoken sternly and/or loudly. And no surprise - it's the most frustrating when we're trying to do something on a schedule.

OP posts:

3Dmincepie · 06/12/2007 19:20

My dh is 30 and he's just the same

3Dmincepie · 06/12/2007 19:22

I do resort to threats sometimes (guilty feeling...) my dd used to draw on the walls and I told her if she did it one more time she would lose her dressy up clothes for a week, she did, I took the clothes off her and she never did it again....! DS on the other hand....... HELPPPPP!!!!!!!!

Original poster

Earlybird · 06/12/2007 19:24

Yesterday on the drive to school I told her that something had to change. I explained that I hate bellowing in the morning, and she could help our mornings be more pleasant.

She stared out the car window and said 'Mummy, we are too rushed in the mornings. Sometimes we don't even have time for a proper hug'.

I asked if it would help to wake her a bit earlier, and she said 'no, I need my sleep'. Sounds like a teenager already...

OP posts:

orienteerer · 06/12/2007 19:24

I think it's called "selective deafness" and seems to start at birth in the male of the species .

3Dmincepie · 06/12/2007 19:27

With regards to the brushing teeth thing, do you tell your daughter why she needs to brush her teeth? what happens if she doesn't? so that she can make the choice for herself? I sometimes allow one of my dc to skip teeth brushing if they are being particularly horrid and don't care if none of their friends will want to talk to them because they smell or that their teeth will fall out.....am I wicked????

mummymagic · 06/12/2007 19:27

Well, as a teacher I use countdowns:
'by the time I get to 1 you need to be sitting in your seat with your pen ready. 5-4-3-2-quick quick get your pen-1. good, now we need to write the date...'
but not sure how it would relate to family life

southeastastra · 06/12/2007 19:30

i use the counting thing sometimes, though it gets to be an expected habit and can grate a bit. 'count mummy!!' but i suppose it does work.

ElenyaTuesday · 06/12/2007 19:33

I used to count down but now I mostly just have to threaten to count (don't know why that works!)

Original poster

Earlybird · 06/12/2007 19:39

3d - she understands all about brushing her teeth and why it is necessary. It's not the teethbrushing that is the problem - it is the lack of urgency to do anything in a timely fashion. She simply drifts, until I startle her into action with a stern voice.

This morning I consciously decided not to prompt her to eat over and over again - as I normally do. Her food got cold, and then she decided she 'wasn't hungry'. I know it was because I hadn't done the 'eat your breakfast while it's hot/cold food isn't as good' routine.

We've had the same morning routine since she's been at school (4 years?), so I suppose I think she can/should understand what needs to happen to get out of the door in the morning. But I still do my parrot routine every day - we've even joked about it!

OP posts:

perpetualworrier · 06/12/2007 19:56

I say "I'm not asking you again in a tone that shows I mean it" and count to 3. If I get to 3, they get "thinking time", which is my take on the naughty step, but they just have to go to a quiet place and think about why they were sent there, then when they are ready, they have to explain the why and apologise. (Boys 6 & 4)

I probably have to give thinking time about once a month, the threat of it works a treat.

MaureenMLovesmincepies · 06/12/2007 19:57

I don't think there's any easy answer I'm afraid. My dd has made it to 12 and is still like it.

I did try a shock tactic a couple years ago, that seemed to work for a while. After getting fed up with repeatedly telling her to get up, I told her I would tell her only once. So I did, then when she still didn't get up, I put her clock forward to the time we need to leave and then gently woke her, saying 'I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm taking the others to school now, are you going in today or not?' It was very funny to see her running around like a headless chicken! Did the job for a while though!

Lately, we have adopted the list! She has a note book in the kitchen, next to my lists, which we write her 'to do' things in. She has to make sure she has crossed off everything before she goes to school, so the only thing I say in the morning now is 'LIST!' It seems to work for us and if you can stick to just saying 'list' rather than 'how many times have I got to say it!', it seems to prevent a huff or a comment from her!

I know we all think that they have nothing else to think/worry about other than a few simple things, but they are big enough things in their little lives. We all need a list to remind us to do tings, so why shouldn't they?

smartiejake · 06/12/2007 21:06

Oh this is SOOOOO what happens in our house in the mornings and my dds are 9 and 11. The 9 year old is the worst. I always get them up at a reasonable time and give them a 25 min warning about when we will be leaving. Threaten and carry out no sweets/ early bed/ no friends round but still dd2 (in la la land most of the time) with 2 mins to go is sitting on her bedroom floor drawing a picture sans socks, cardigan, shoes, coat and with dirty teeth! AHHHHHHHHHGH! I SOOOO sympathise with the going to work stressed and with no voice.

MaureenMLovesmincepies · 06/12/2007 21:44

I think the only way to look at it is, you're not the only one! You are not the only screaming mummy in the morning and yes, in an ideal world, we'd all be making cakes and singing songs, but it ain't gonna happen! It is a phase, but sadly I'm not through it yet and dd is 12! Sorry! The trick is to not let it get to you so much. Chill very slightly, if she hasn't cleaned her teeth, just tell her 'well I did ask and they are your teeth, not mine. If you want them to all fall out or go black, then so be it.' I know, its far easier said than done, I try so hard every day, not to start on a row, but it always does.

God the outlook is bleak, isn't it?

ImdreamingofaGROUCHYxmas · 07/12/2007 15:13

counting down does have an effect on DS. I felt dreadful yesterday as he turned me into a mum. He was acting up in the car park that you have to walk through to get to town and I was having to shreik at him to stop/come back/stay still.

Today he would not get dressed for nursery. I threatened to take him in the clothes he had on at 8:30. Then DH waded in and dressed him. Like thanks for presenting a united front mate

Original poster

Earlybird · 07/12/2007 15:21

Much sympathy.

This morning no better at our house - in fact, worse. I decided to try a counting 'game' that has worked in the past, but dd was moaning/whingeing/arguing the entire time (and not getting dressed) and I finally really shouted. I think she was shocked because I don't shout like that. She was sobbing as she got dressed, which of course made me feel like complete cr*p.

I hate starting the day like that, and I hate dropping her off at school when there has been unhappiness between us. I always come home to a quiet house scattered with her books/pajamas/etc and think I should have been a better/more patient/more resourceful Mum.

OP posts:

Bink · 07/12/2007 15:41

EB! Hello, sympathies, everything.

Remember it's nearly end of term - everyone is exhausted. Things just are going to be more difficult, for her and for you too.

It's possible dd is one of those children (maybe in fact the majority of children) who just don't have a sense of how time passes - so they don't even realise they're dithering or being slow. Ds, as you I think know, is an absolute monster for dithering - more monstery in how much he dithers, than in his behaviour about it, as he's not very oppositional, he's just SLOW SLOW like a SLOTH - winds me up no end.

For the last four years we've been trying to get ds to take responsibility for getting stuff done in the time available ... it's gruelling, but we're having a bit of success at the moment: he has a kitchen timer, and IF he manages to do a set routine of tasks (inc the teeth - that's the teeth) within six minutes with NO REMINDERS (crucial) four out of the five school days, then by right (also crucial, he doesn't have to ask, it's automatically his) he gets computer time at the weekend. It is SO boring doing this, but it is working, and I strongly believe it will do him good in the long run to get to feel how time passes.

Bink · 07/12/2007 15:46

Re dreaminess & ditheriness - dh's brother, who is of a unique & charming eccentricity, said of ds's space moments: "Just think how wonderful it would be if we could all do that - go off for a three-week holiday in your own head"

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