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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

This is awful - I am going out of my mind here!! Please help me!!!

30 replies

cruisemum1 · 27/12/2006 20:12

I am trying to get my ds (16 weeks) to go to sleep without having to be attached to my breast as I have a dd age 9 who cannot be neglected at night while I am upstairs settling lo. He has now been screaming for 45 minutes while either myself of dh sit with him. He is not backig down and it is breaking my heart and his. It is so stressful that I cannot handle it but I cannot go on having no time with my dd every evening. Please someone tell me that it gets better. I feel so sorry for lo as it is not his fault that he needs me

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

beansprout · 27/12/2006 20:14

It will get better, I promise, but at 16 weeks he just needs to do what he needs to do. He hardly even knows he is separate from you yet. Can dh and dd do something together so she doesn't feel neglected?

andaSOAPBOXinapeartree · 27/12/2006 20:15

How long does it take to get him to sleep if he is at the breast?

Surely a 9yo can wait until the baby is asleep?

I think 16wo is far too young to be doing this - but there are many here who would disagree with me.

WigWamBam · 27/12/2006 20:16

He can't "back down"; he is 16 weeks old and he needs you.

It will pass; but until it does, can't your dh be the one who looks after your daughter while you settle your baby? At 9 she's old enough to understand that the baby needs you, and that you and she can have special time together once the baby is settled and in bed.

DizzyBinterWonderland · 27/12/2006 20:16

can dh take care of dd while you take care of your baby?

bctmum · 27/12/2006 20:22

bf you baby whilst looking after your dd. Your baby could feed & sleep in whilst you hold him all comfy in one arm - leaving your other arm to hug your dd and spend time together.

themoon66 · 27/12/2006 20:24

Have you actually timed how long he is really screaming? I used to think DD screamed for 45 mins, but when DH took charge one day and made me sit and time her, she was only 9 mins. It just feels much longer to a mum.

BaileysMilkshake · 27/12/2006 20:30

CM I am having this problem too' my DS is 2 weeks. Although I am bottle feeding he doesnt take it vey well from anyone else, wont give up his wind and just about takes the bottle within an hour! I can get it down him within 20 minutes!

DH is brilliant with DD(3) and they are doing lots of daddy/daughter things. But even when I give DS to someone else, if hes screaming I can't concentrate on anything else. My DD has been great and seems so understanding for her few years, but I miss my time with her so much too, I want to get down on the floor and play with her, but have to chat about what she's doing from a distance as I hold DS. Although there's always a one armed cuddle available when she wants one

Before I had two children I always worried if I could love another child as much as I love DD, now I know love is'nt a problem, it's not being able to divide myself in half!

I am sure it gets better - it has to get better, thousands of people have managed it before us after all! ((((hugs))))

krimbokrackerskayzed · 27/12/2006 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jimjams2 · 27/12/2006 20:54

I had this problem so put ds1 and ds2 to bed first, then ds3 could take as long as he needed.

popsycal · 27/12/2006 20:55

yor babies are so so so small to be left crying
each to their own but they are tiny and need you to be with them

Original poster

cruisemum1 · 27/12/2006 20:57

Thankyou for messages. The problem is he is bf to sleep and then he wakes repeatedly and takes about 2 hours of me up and down stairs to settle him - each time he will only be settled by the breast. dh works long hours and is often not in during that time of the evening so I am having to do this alone. I have spent every night since his arrival devoted to settling him but now that he is approaching 4 mths shouldn't he be doing this himself? Everyone else says so!!!!!

soapbox - If it was a matter of bf to sleep taking 20 - 40 mins that would be Ok but it takes up to two hours and once he has nodded off and been put to bed, if he wakes I don't bring him down again! dd is fantastically understanding but she needs mummy too!

Wigwam - once I have settled ds there is no time for dd and me to have special times as she is in bed by 8:30 - 8:45pm esp on school days

OP posts:

DecktheWallacewithBoughsofHoll · 27/12/2006 21:00

hello again have you tried a ...[whispers]..dummy?

Original poster

cruisemum1 · 27/12/2006 21:19

deckthewallace - don't talk to me about dummies! I have tried every dummy under the sun! He won't take one, doesn't know what to do with it and rejects every single one I have ever tried! I am a dummy fan as my dd had one and it worked a treat but ds won't take one.... dd and dh would love to spend time together but dh works very long hours so i kind of have to work this one out as if I am doing it alone even though he would gladly help when he is in (iyswim).

OP posts:

maisym · 27/12/2006 21:22

have you tried co-sleeping? Saved me having to get up to bf & I could bf whilstt resting.

DecktheWallacewithBoughsofHoll · 27/12/2006 21:28

That's a shame. I have always been quite anti dummy (well not exactly anti but wouldn't give them to my baby iyswim ) but have been giving ds a dummy recently and it is beginning to help[fingers crossed]

LIZS · 27/12/2006 21:31

I think you may have to accept that you don't get exclusive time with dd for a little while longer. She is old enough to understand surely.

Original poster

cruisemum1 · 27/12/2006 21:53

maisy - the problem is not during the night - I don't mind night feeds, it is just the run up to him finally settling down which is taking up the entire evening that is a problem.
DecktheWallace I know you have prob mentioned before, but how old is your lo? When did you start giving dummy?
LIZS - dd is being great about everything but she cannot be expected to put herself to bed etc. (she is nearly nine - but not 9 yet!)and she does have to spend great swathes of time alone downstairs which is not good for her. I am just confused and frustrated and want a tear free solution to lo's nightly shennanigans...

OP posts:

LIZS · 27/12/2006 21:56

Can you pop him in a sling while you help her and he may nod off more readily if he is close to you. ds is 8 and pretty much puts himself to bed with a bit of supervision.

Elasticwoman · 27/12/2006 22:08

You can give time to your dd while feeding the baby, by doing the feeding downstairs. You can read to/with dd while baby is attached. Have carrycot or moses basket downstairs and take baby up when you go to bed. Don't worry about setting up bad habits for baby - life is constant flux for a new baby and you can make bedtime rules later. Important thing now is to satisfy baby while not ignoring 9 yo. I found that giving max attention to baby paid off in the long run - all 3 of mine can't wait to see the back of me! I have never had the luxury of a clinging child - more the type that run off in the supermarket ....

I never used a dummy either. It is important that they suck at the breast to build up and maintain your milk supply, otherwie you will be on here again in a few weeks complaining that your baby isn't getting enough and is unsettled.

Babies are very time consuming. Investing time in a newborn reaps dividends later.

Original poster

cruisemum1 · 27/12/2006 22:38

Elasticwoman - conforting words - thankyou . BUT ds is 16 weeks old so past newborn stage and I am constantly hearing/reading about fostering bad habits, settling baby awake, 7 - 7 routinees etc. and tbh as dd was pretty text book when she was a baby I guess I am comparing ds to her in a lot of areas. I adore ds so much that to hear him scream tonight sent shock waves through my entire body - I don't think I wil be repeating the crying thing again!. Any more advice bearing in mind his age? Off to bed now. He just woke again and has been successfully bf to sleep again. I am the epitome of walking dummy!

OP posts:

themoon66 · 27/12/2006 22:55

oh i know... my DD was model baby, sleeping through from 3 weeks old. I thought when I got DS, I've cracked this baby routine thing. DS was a right pain... still waking at 2am at 6 months. Just ended up letting him sleep with us. It worked fine.

dumplings · 27/12/2006 22:58

If you hate leaving him to scream, stop leaving him to scream. It's completely unnecessary. Babies do noty need a 7-7 routine, it is nurseries and nannies that like those, not the babies, and he is too young for it in any case.

Ds2 stayed up until I went to bed until he was about 6 months old. Now he goes to bed at 7, and he is 8 monthsd old.

You have choice here. You could learn to ignore the frantic screaming, or you could stop leaving him to scream and attend to him. When you are dealin with your daughter, take him with you. How about moving her specil time to a time when he isn't stuck to your nipple, such as early evening?

dumplings · 27/12/2006 23:00

16 weeks old is a million miles away from 12 months old, by which time you will have a completely different baby. 16 weeks, although not quite newborn, is close enough to make very little difference to what a baby needs.

hunkermunker · 27/12/2006 23:04

He's 16 weeks old, not 16 months old. Throw out the books and do it the way that works best for you, your DD and your DS. DD downstairs by herself for long periods of time with you upstairs, or DS upstairs screaming with your downstairs is clearly not working - so have him downstairs with you to feed in the evenings.

Babies are different - my DS1 was very different sleep-wise from DS2 - neither brilliant, but they're only this little and cuddly for such a very short period of time - when he's all stubbly and asking to borrow the car and coming home smelling suspiciously of underage booze you'll hanker for the days of quiet milky-smelling cuddles on the sofa while you chat quietly with your DD.

juuule · 27/12/2006 23:14

Not read all the replies to this, so excuse me if I repeat what has already been said. At 16w I would still keep my baby downstairs with me. Sit with the baby suckling and be with your 9yo. When my baby nodded off I would put her in her moses basket, well swaddled. If she stayed asleep (very likely but not always) I would leave her there and then concentrate on the 9yo. When time for bed I would take the moses basket and put it in the cot. At any time the baby woke I would be available for her.
I would say keep your baby nearby and don't try to put him to bed if it's not working out. It makes life a lot easier to accept that he needs you and just keep him nearby. He is only 16w. Although it might feel that way now, it won't be this way forever. Honest

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