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Original poster

my daughter is in a bad way after losing her mum

28 replies

Paul1962 · 25/02/2015 12:51

new to this so please bear with me. Lost my wife just over 2 years ago and my daughter is 11 and really struggling. Has bad mood swings, violent outbursts, very quiet and withdrawn and just generally fnds life hard. She has seen various people including are therapist with no success. Thinking of paying for professional help from a counsellor or some other form of help. Any suggestions or recommendations? I am based in Kent
thanks

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Tollygunge · 25/02/2015 12:53

I'm so sorry to hear this. Does she have other females she can talk to? Is there someone at school who can mentor her?

ImperialBlether · 25/02/2015 13:02

I'm so sorry you lost your wife and your daughter lost her mum.

What about your mum's friends or sisters? Is there anyone nearby who could take her under their wing?

Hopeful83 · 25/02/2015 13:07

I would speak to her school. They should be able to offer support, for example a mentor. They can also signpost you to external agencies. Make sure you see your GP for a referral to CAMHS (children and adolescent mental health services). There is a charity called Place 2 Be who support children with mental health concerns I think

Original poster
Paul1962 · 25/02/2015 13:08

my wife had 3 sisters but they don't bother with their niece at all and they all live closeby. It's a very frustrating situation I find myself in

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cerealqueen · 25/02/2015 13:10

I am so sorry for your loss, and for your daughter's pain.

Could you reach out to your wife's sisters, and say what is happening?

Original poster
Paul1962 · 25/02/2015 13:11

She has been un CAMHS for many years but to be honest have found them most unhelpful. The school have suggested a mentor but they don't know if this will help

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Original poster
Paul1962 · 25/02/2015 13:12

her sisters seem very reluctant to get involved although there is going to be a family conference at the end of March so we will see

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Quitelikely · 25/02/2015 13:14

Have you had a fall out with the sisters? Could it be time to heal the wounds?

I am very surprised at these so called sisters!

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 25/02/2015 13:23

I'm so sorry Sad

THIS LINK is to a Kent based charity. The page I've directed you to shows their other outside links. There looks to be a lot of material for you to read there and perhaps get in touch with some people who're experienced and can help you both.

I don't have any personal knowledge of the charity, and it might not be based in the right part of Kent for you, but it looks set up well and as though they could point you in the right direction for help. As an aside, disappointing though it may be that family haven't rallied, it could be that they need rallying or asking more directly and it could also be that your daughter may prefer to confide in a stranger.

11 is often a tricky age. She's suffered/suffering a major bereavement, living with a parent who's the same and presumably changed schools? that's a tough situation for you both and that's before the whole pre-puberty, and puberty hormone scenario kicks in.

Good luck, I hope you get some good information and ideas here Flowers

ImperialBlether · 25/02/2015 13:25

What about her grandmothers? Is she close to either? Do you have sisters who could take on a motherly role?

Might it be time for you to think of meeting someone else who could help you as a family?

meerschweinchen · 25/02/2015 13:34

I'm so sorry for your loss. 11 is a difficult age anyway I think, so even harder for your poor daughter, without her Mum.

Have you tried Winston's wish? They are supposed to be very good at helping bereaved children and their families.

www.winstonswish.org.uk/

Original poster
Paul1962 · 25/02/2015 14:21

well hanks for the messages. I have never fallen out with the sisters, they have chosen to stay away. There are 2 grandmothers, mine is too old and lives a fair distance away and the other, my late wifes mother, who lives quite near, has stayed away too, very disappointing
I will look at the charities that have been mentioned

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zippyandbungle · 25/02/2015 14:25

I'm so sorry for you and your daughter. Does she have a school friend who's mum you could approach. When I was young a similar situation happened with my friend, she spent a lot of time chatting to my mum. I think it made it easier to her as my mum was removed from the situation but she really trusted her.

Endler32 · 25/02/2015 14:27

11 is a tough age, my dd is the same age and is almost as you describe and has had no upset in her life.

My dh was a similar age when he lost his mum, he said he found it easier to talk to someone who was not as close in the family ( a aunt ), he found it very hard to talk to his dad as he didn't want to upset him. Maybe talking to someone out of the family would help?

Itsgoingtoreindeer · 25/02/2015 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Paul1962 · 25/02/2015 14:36

have already spoken to holding on letting go and they were very helpful. thanks EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard

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Original poster
Paul1962 · 25/02/2015 14:40

winstons wish will be my next call

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Andro · 25/02/2015 15:32

With respect to your dw's family staying away, does your dd look a lot like her mother? It's neither an excuse nor a justification, but if they look a lot alike it could be part of why they're keeping their distance.

My DC lost both their biological parents, my ds (who is older and clearly remembers them) has really benefited from a specialist in trauma and grief therapy. We use a private therapist though because the one we were referred to was just wrong for D's. I can't help with recommendations though because we live nowhere near Kent.

How does your dd go on with expressing her feeling? My ds found it easier to write things down and leave it for me to read, that way he didn't have to face me directly and I had the chance to think before I responded - a good thing when heightened emotions led to some very painful writings! We also have a rule in our house: you will never be punished for what you think or feel, only for what you express inappropriately. That rule has seen us through some very rough times, mainly because it validates the entire grieving process while leaving space for feelings to change without losing face.

My final suggestion, if you're not already doing so, is to have some very firm boundaries. Your dd will rail against them, but there is safety and security in predictability.

KittyandTeal · 25/02/2015 15:37

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, it must be very hard for you both.

I have no experience of winston wish but I hear good things about them.

I work in Kent in a fairly tough school and we use a charity called fegans, they have done wonders with some of our children.

Play therapy may well also be something worth looking in to.

I hope you ,a age to find someone who can help your dad in the way she needs

Original poster
Paul1962 · 25/02/2015 19:31

my daughter does not look like her mother, think they just cannot be bothered. Fegans? not heard of that one so will investigate further

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Original poster
Paul1962 · 25/02/2015 19:32

what is all this dd and dc abbreviations? I don't understand them

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EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 25/02/2015 19:36

I just feel so sorry for your situation Paul.
One thing to remember through all the tough times is that children of this age can be very challenging for two parents, let alone a single parent with both dealing with the bereavement and loss of someone special.
What I mean is do try not to take any of it personally.

PragmaticWench · 25/02/2015 19:36

DD = darling daughter
DC = darling child

Andro · 25/02/2015 20:34

If they just can't be bothered, that is really sad...and hurtful for your daughter.

melisma · 25/02/2015 20:34

So sorry for your loss. Just another recommendation for Winston's Wish-they do oustanding work.