Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Original poster

Another child's mum wants to talk to me about an incident

32 replies

splasheeny · 13/03/2014 00:22

Tbh I'm a bit afraid.

I really don't like confrontation.

Preschool told our au pair about an incident where our daughter had poked another child in the eye with a toy. We have of course spoken to dd about this. We are also working with the nursery in terms of behaviour management.

Au pair told me that the mum approached her asking if she was dd's mum and wanting to talk about the incident as her dc will be seeing a doctor. I really don't know how to react to this.

I didn't know who the other child who was involved was, and rarely do pick up/drop off. I am a bit surprised that nursery have said to the child's mum that my child hurt hers too, as I thought this was not meant to happen.

This was an incident between two children at preschool, and was dealt with by the preschool at the time. I don't know why this mum would want to talk to me now?

For context dd is 3. I have never seen her hit another child, and when I spoke to her about what had happened she denied doing anything, though of course I know this may not be accurate.

How would you handle this situation?

OP posts:
NigellasDealer · 13/03/2014 00:24

I would not agree to meet this mother to talk about the incident, as it was dealt with at the nursery.
I have seen some mothers in action and it is not nice.

TheNightIsDark · 13/03/2014 00:27

The child might have told their mum who hurt them. Nursery are not allowed to for this precise reason and I would be phoning to ask in the morning.

Do not meet with this mum. Children fight, accidents happen and you have spoken to your DD.

Original poster
splasheeny · 13/03/2014 00:30

Thank you both. I am worried about being 'cornered' on a day when I am doing pick up.

It's not that I don't care about what happened, I do, but I don't see what could be gained from meeting this mum.

OP posts:
OldBagWantsNewBag · 13/03/2014 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floralnomad · 13/03/2014 00:30

i would do nothing and wait to see what the other mum does ,but tell the au pair she is to also say nothing and is not to give out any details ( phone number etc ) to the other parent . If the mum has a problem she needs to take it up with the pre school not you directly . You will probably find nothing happens at all and I wouldn't worry about it either ,they're children and accidents happen .

TheNightIsDark · 13/03/2014 00:32

If she corners you then walk away but log it with nursery staff.

Original poster
splasheeny · 13/03/2014 00:33

The night that may be possible. I would hope the nursery wouldn't say whose child was responsible.

I would really like to be friendly with other mum's at nursery.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 13/03/2014 00:38

OP you should not be "cornered" at all.

However you should not be surprised if the nursery staff want to talk to you about what has happened.

Original poster
splasheeny · 13/03/2014 00:41

Dione I have already spoken to the nursery staff about what has happened. We are working with them.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 13/03/2014 00:48

Splash, I think your fear of confrontation is what is controlling your reaction to this request. I readily admit that some people are nasty and hurtful, but some just want to be heard. And sometimes we need to hear what they have to say.

What are you afraid will happen?

Original poster
splasheeny · 13/03/2014 00:53

Im worried that she will shout/be aggressive.

I don't know what she wants Tbh. This incident happened over a week ago and she is approaching au now.

OP posts:
OldBagWantsNewBag · 13/03/2014 00:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HootHootTootToot · 13/03/2014 01:00

The other Mum might just want to chat about it to find out what happened rather than to be confrontational.

Original poster
splasheeny · 13/03/2014 01:03

Hoot I have no idea what happened. I wasn't there, and only know what the staff have told me. Dd denies everything.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 13/03/2014 01:13

Splash, is there a reason that you think that the other girl's mother will be shouty or aggressive? Has she form for this sort of thing?

DeWe · 13/03/2014 09:33

Speak to the nursery and find out what happened exactly.

Most of the time a poke in the eye with a toy will be an accident. If it was deliberate, was it deliberately going for the eye, or was it a general push? Have they had history of clashing before?

I don't think there will be any benefit on either side to talk. The Op can do nothing except apologise on her daughter's behalf, which I doubt will make any injury better.

If I was Op I would get her dd to do a "sorry" card and consider the matter closed unless nursery bring it up again.

Technical · 13/03/2014 09:49

Are the nursery staff clear about what happened?

I think you need to tell the staff the other mother has made this approach and ask them to tell her it's not appropriate and that they are dealing with/have dealt with the matter.

If a meeting is required, it should be at the nursery and with the staff.

Ultimately, if there was a failing (which seems unlikely to me) it was with the supervision both children were under at the time, not with you.

brettgirl2 · 13/03/2014 16:30

At that age any action has to be immediate its pretty pointless talking to/ punishing a 3 year old hours after the event.

If the child takes after her mum maybe your dd was actually defending herself?

Original poster
splasheeny · 13/03/2014 21:03

I don't know the mum.

Technical and Dewe I will talk to the nursery again to get a better idea of what has happened.

I agree brett that talk later is meaningless. Dd claimed to not have done anything, so she either forgot or didn't understand what I was talking about.

OP posts:
mummyxtwo · 14/03/2014 10:09

The other mum needs to remember that the children are 3yo and are learning about boundaries and good / bad behaviour, and that this won't be the first time her dd is poked or slapped or pushed by another child. Making it personal and a big issue is unhelpful apart from to apease her maternal protective instincts. I would mention to the nursery that you are a bit alarmed that this mum wants to talk to you and would appreciate if the nursery staff could deal with it without your needing to get involved with the other mum. Hopefully they will advise the other mum that their procedure is to liaise with their staff if there are any issues that arise within the nursery.

Goldmandra · 14/03/2014 10:22

I'd suggest that the nursery contact her, explain that they know she has asked to meet you and offer to meet her again themselves to deal with any concerns she has. They can tell her that, if at any point they feel it is appropriate for the two of you to discuss these events, they will invite you to a joint meeting with them in the setting.

ButterflyInReverse · 14/03/2014 10:33

Good advice above OP.
Your DD is 3 and it was a one off. She was reprimanded and it should be left at that.
my DD has been bitten by her best friend at nursery twice recently and I would never make a fuss about it. It's normal for toddlers to lash out in different ways as they are learning about the world!

Glasshammer · 14/03/2014 18:41

How badly damaged was the eye? Did the girl need surgery?

PinkMacaroons · 14/03/2014 18:54

I would mention to the nursery that the mother has said she wants words with you. Tell them you feel uncomfortable about it. I would have thought that the nursery would ask the mum not to approach you. It is a matter for the nursery, not for the parents as they were not present.

BumpyGrindy · 14/03/2014 21:22

Was it deliberate and is the other girl's eye badly damaged? If so then I would possibly want a word myself. My own DD had a fork poked in her eye at age 4 and it only just missed doing damage...the other parent sought me out and told me how sorry she was. SHe also explained that her DD had Aspergers and that this incident had finally resulted in school admitting she needed a one to one.

So while I was of course sorry my DD was hurt, I was relived this Mother had help for her DD....