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Original poster

Really awful tantrums at 3?

49 replies

Axolotl · 06/06/2006 19:48

Sorry if this has been done to death, but I can't find any threads about older toddlers who lose the plot! I'm just desperate for any tips anyone has on what to do with tantrums that escalate really quickly and are very severe. This is something that has got much much worse and now he is quite big (3.2 and physically large) it is very difficult to help him when he fights me or do deal with him clinging on if I ignore him. It is always sparked by a disappointment of some sort - being denied something he wants to do, even really silly, small things.Any advice at all so gratefully received!

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Original poster
Axolotl · 06/06/2006 21:59

anyone? pretty please?

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poppiesinaline · 06/06/2006 22:04

what have you tried already? Naughty step? Time out? I use this book called 1 2 3 Magic by Thomas Phelan. Effective Discipline for 2-12 year olds. It has really helped me.

Dont know what else to say really but am bumping for you.

milward · 06/06/2006 22:07

My dd3 who's 3yrs can have tantrums when it's so difficult to know what to do. She can wake up happy & then the slightest things starts her off. Today she wanted her sunhat in the car when I was driving. I couldn't stop to get it & she just shouted about this. She wanted a plaster on her leg for a small scratch. I wouldn't give her one & she shouted about this on & off all evening. Good luck - will look out for replies on your thread.

Original poster
Axolotl · 06/06/2006 22:10

Thank you Poppies... I might look out for that book. The naughty step used to work a bit but now he won't stay on it. He sobs uncontrollably and can't seem to stop. Then he does something really naughty like throwing something at me, hitting or biting. I have tried speaking quietly and reassuring him, holding him, ignoring him completely and being sharp - none of them work. He's like a little tornado that gathers dust and just gets more and more upset! His elder brother (7) really had his moments, but it wasn't like this. My neighbours are selling their house and I was just mortified this evening because he went into one (over virtually nothing) and I could just see that there were people looking round the house!!! My kitchen door was open and they were in the garden - my neighbour probably hates me now!

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Original poster
Axolotl · 06/06/2006 22:11

Cross-posted, but thank you Milward. It's good just to know you're not alone. He isn't toilet trained either and is quite babyish for his age. But that's another thread!

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poppiesinaline · 06/06/2006 22:14

Poor u Axolotl. Your local library may have a copy of that book.

All I would say though is that what ever you decide to try you must stick to your guns. As hard as it is do not back down or you will just be fueling the next tantrum.

Original poster
Axolotl · 06/06/2006 22:18

Poppies, this evening we had a half hour one over a refusal to say sorry - he is an immensely stubborn boy, just digs his heels in in the most unbelievable way. I tried to be really firm and stick to my guns and it was hard, but I could see it had to be done. Trouble is, on other occasions it;s hard to know what approach to pick up and stick to! Can't bring myself to the do the Dr Tanya time out in a closed room (or is that Supernanny?). Just seems cruel...

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FloatingOnTheMed · 06/06/2006 22:21

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edam · 06/06/2006 22:32

Hi Axolotl. My ds didn't really do the terrible twos - at least, nothing as bad as I'd been led to expect. But now he's turning three, and oh boy, is he making up for it! Stroppy, defiant moody - he even does the Kevin the teenager pose with his body hanging from his shoulders, IYKWIM. Had floods of tears and hitting me tonight because he wanted to put on a dvd instead of getting in the bath.

For serious defiance/rudeness/hitting, we use the naughty step. For general stroppiness, I just try to be firm, repeat calmy 'it's bathtime' or whatever, and make sure it's carried through. I do pick my battles rather than jumping on him for every tiny thing, though.

He's lovely, honest, but this turning three thing is VERY challenging.

PS great name, do you have any axolotls?

FloatingOnTheMed · 06/06/2006 22:35

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milward · 07/06/2006 00:02

Interesting on the toilet training. My dd makes huge fuss before a number2! She will fuss & complain about anything. I put her on the loo - & she shouts - but in recent days has been hapy to use the loo & has avoided the huge shouts that she previously did.

kayzed · 07/06/2006 00:08

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wabbitt · 07/06/2006 00:49

Axolotl - though my dd's 14 I remember well the twos and threes - I didn't resort to a closed door until she was well in control of how to open it herself... in my opinion this can only do harm - my mother used to follow the 'Dr Spock' advice and shut my brother into his nursery for 2 hours in an afternoon. I'm sure dr Tanya doesn't suggest such draconian behaviour but the principle is the same... I couldn't close the door myself... I'd be eaten up with guilt. 2 hours - poor little man was beside himself... unfortunatly our house was the kind that you could loose the voice of a child in, bless him, he's 42 now and still has 'issues' Sad

That said - maybe it sounds to me like your little man needs more rest... problems become far bigger to us when we're at a tired 'low ebb', perhaps it's just the same with LOs? My sister's just instigating an afternoon sleep for her very active 2.5 yo, she's having to lie on the bed for 1/2hour before he gives in - but I'm told he's beginning to surrender a little sooner now and enjoys his afternoons much more. HTH x

yawningmonster · 07/06/2006 03:50

It may be worth trying to teach him some calming down techniques, it sounds as though he gets so wound up he loses all impulse control which is shaky at best in most 3yr olds.
Some techniques we used to teach are..

Giant breaths... breath as deep and as long as you can and blow all the air out really hard. Do this till all the anger is blown out then talk about behaviour.

Jump and shake....jump up and down and when you land shake out all the anger, could do star jumps if he cant yet jump with two feet.

These are the ones I found most effective for a three yr old, could also use a feeling chart...do this when he is calm...draw happy, cross, tired etc faces and get him to try and show you which one he is feeling like,pracice a couple of times. when he gets angry or upset show him the chart and see if he can show you how he feels, acknowledge the feeling and show him how his behaviour is making you feel and what he needs to do to make your face like the smiley face (does that make sense) Also when calm talk about what makes his face like a smiley face (reading/going for a walk etc) When he is cross etc, try one of these activities to calm him down and then talk about the behaviour and consequences eg: You hit mommy before and it really hurt. I am going to take your hammer away because you hurt mommy with it.

FloatingOnTheMed · 07/06/2006 07:31

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poppiesinaline · 07/06/2006 09:31

How are things this morning Axolotl? I do feel for you. Dont they say 'terrible twos, troublesome threes'?

Yawningmonsters post reminded me of something I used to do with DS1. When a tantrum was brewing I used to get him to draw how he was feeling.... he often ended up stabbing holes in the paper.. which was fine. It sometimes worked, sometimes didnt. Punching pillows was another good one, we used to get his 'special punching pillow out'. Again, sometimes worked sometimes didnt.

Original poster
Axolotl · 07/06/2006 09:50

Thanks so much for all these suggestions, and especially the kindness. It helps so much to know you are not the only person going through something.
Poppies - he had a bit of a strop this morning, but was OK after that. He's incredibly loving and wonderful in other ways, just very very stubborn and quick to flare up.
Edam, thank you! No, no lizardy beasties here... it's just a word I've always liked!
Wabbit - he's actually recently dropped a two hour nap. He was doing this before that, but it could be that extreme tiredness in the early evening is a trigger...
The suggestions here are great, thank you everyone, but the trouble is that it is lightning fast when it kicks off. He doesn't really do 'brewing' that much - it's more like someone has lit a very short touch paper!

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willow2 · 07/06/2006 10:05

Hiya, I'm writing a piece about this at the memoment and have been sent some really helpful parenting leaflets as part of my research. They are aimed at parents of children with more serious behavioural problems, but do contain some really sound advice. Would be happy to email you copies if you want. Just CAT me.

PS: EDAM, have catted you re' the piece. Hope you don't mind.

willow2 · 07/06/2006 10:06

moment, even

Original poster
Axolotl · 07/06/2006 10:28

Thanks, Willow. Will do that.

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Original poster
Axolotl · 07/06/2006 10:28

Thanks, Willow. Will do that.

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petra1108 · 08/06/2006 21:18

Hi i have 3.5 year old who has just started getting really 'naughty' . i am using reward/star chart from Supernanny magazine which i found in morrisons its working well at mo

petra1108 · 08/06/2006 21:27

What's catting?

Axolotl - naughty step / time out. I have trouble with that too;

A friend of mine shuts the 3 year old OUT of the room the rest of them are in instead of shutting them IN a room on their own (so they are not locked in anywhere) but the idea is that 'if you want to join in our fun, you behave' seems a bit kinder/ softer somehow? I might try it. Good luck P x

Original poster
Axolotl · 08/06/2006 22:37

Petra, it's Contacting Another Talker - an email sent throught the site.
That does sound like an alternative...his distress is so great when it happens, I can't bear to frighten him in any way though.

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edam · 08/06/2006 22:43

My mother is in favour of smacking and thinks naughty step is cruel. Don't want to smack, personally, but sometimes fear she could be right about naughty step.

Axolotl, am trying to remember what is so special about those particular beasties - there's something v. clever they do, isn't there? Have forgotten now – my sister brought some home from school one summer and it was very entertaining looking after them.