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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Surname when parents aren't married

36 replies

Unicorn1981 · 21/10/2016 14:36

I always thought it was a given the baby had dads surname married or not but I have seen a few comments on here lately that it isn't necessarily the way. DD has dp's surname. Have I missed something? We are engaged just haven't got round to getting married but I was just wondering.

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Meadows76 · 21/10/2016 14:39

You havent missed anything. You can name your children whatever you like.

EmzDisco · 21/10/2016 14:44

Its not a given, you can give your baby any name. DD has both our names, as that suits us, for example. You can give your baby your name, partners name, both names, mixture of the two, or even make one up, if you wanted to.

ineedamoreadultieradult · 21/10/2016 14:45

People do what they want to do. We were not married when DS1 was born but I have him his dad's surname as we knew we would get married and I would take his surname as well. If we had no plans to get married I might have given him my surname but then again it's a bugger to pronounce so it still might have been his dad's surname.

Original poster

Unicorn1981 · 21/10/2016 14:46

Good! Thanks. Not changing it now but just interested. DP did ask me though as it looks like she'll be the only child on our side of the family to carry on the name but it's always been his surname as far as I'm concerned.

OP posts:

Love51 · 21/10/2016 14:51

Traditional convention was that the child has the father's surname. Traditional convention was also that the parents would be married and the wife would take the husband's surname. Personally I couldn't give my kids any surname other than my own (perhaps I haves ishoos!) But you can give mum's, dad's, both (with or without a hyphen) - I think you might be able to give a completely different surname ( I think some cultures do this, using -son of type suffixes). There is no right or wrong decision for parents to make. Just once other people know the decision they respect it :)

ItchyFoot · 21/10/2016 14:53

Dd has her dad's surname. I eventually wanted us all to have the same surname as it was sometimes a pain when growing up with mum, stepdad, and sisters with two different names. We're planning on getting married and I have no issue taking his name so that's what we'll do.

Chinlo · 21/10/2016 15:02

Ours will have both of our surnames

PurpleTraitor · 21/10/2016 15:07

I think you mean surname where the parents don't have the same surnames. Being married does not mean you have the same surname and being unmarried does not mean you have different ones.

pugsake · 21/10/2016 15:11

My DD's both have different surnames to me (now married) doesn't really bother me. Each to their own and all that.

TimTamTerrier · 21/10/2016 15:14

My DC have a different surname to both parents, you can do whatever suits your circumstances best.

HardcoreLadyType · 21/10/2016 15:16

Traditionally, where the parents are not married, the child takes the mother's surname.

For the father to "bestow" his name on a child born out of wedlock was seen to be a great honour.

Nowadays, we do as we please, and give our DC whichever name we want to.

HardcoreLadyType · 21/10/2016 15:19

But do not be duped into thinking that it is traditional for a child to take their father's surname. It is traditional for children to take their mother's surname. If she is unmarried, that will be her maiden name. If she is married, traditionally, it would be her husband's surname, but now also hers.

Purplebluebird · 21/10/2016 15:28

we have double barrelled it. My name - dad's name (sounded best that way)

Bythebeach · 21/10/2016 15:29

All mine have my maiden surname
DS1 - ex's (to whom I was never married) child - my name
DS2 - DH's born prior to our marriage - my name
DS3 - DH's - the only one born in 'wedlock' - my name
Given the supposed rise of equality, I find it astounding how the vast majority of kids don't have the mum's name.

NameChange30 · 21/10/2016 15:36

What Purple and Hardcore said.

Marriage does not automatically equal woman taking husband's name.

"Traditionally", children of unmarried parents have their mother's name.

I was born to unmarried parents in the 80s and they gave me both their surnames.

It seems they were more egalitarian than many people today!

Of course people are entitled to make whatever choice they like, but it saddens me when people don't even consider the options.

SorenaJ · 21/10/2016 15:47

Of course that's not always the case! Children being given the dad's surname 'just because' is really sad tbh. The same goes for wives taking their husbands surname. Why on earth would anyone do that? Unless his surname was beautiful.

I've seen so many threads being like 'our DC will have their dad's surname'. Just why?

Allshadesofpinkie · 21/10/2016 15:51

My daughter have my surname because we are not married and I deal with most kid stuff so made sense at the time. Partner is totally happy with it and doesn't give it a thought. And childishly it has irritated his mum no end

RaingodswithZippos · 21/10/2016 15:57

My DS has my maiden name. We weren't married when he was born and he is likely to be my parents' only DGC so when we married, my DH used his speech to announce that he wanted our DS to keep my maiden name as his surname to carry on the family name and it was a wedding present of sorts to my parents for the help and support they had given us. We always said to our DS he can change it to our surname if he wants when he is an adult but he likes his name. The only time it's caused a problem was when we went to the US and they couldn't understand that he was our child and had a different name - they kept asking if DH was his stepdad.

NameChange30 · 21/10/2016 16:02

"my DH used his speech to announce that he wanted our DS to keep my maiden name as his surname to carry on the family name and it was a wedding present of sorts to my parents for the help and support they had given us"

That is so weird... the way you describe it, it sounds as if it was your DH's decision (not a joint one) and something he saw as a massive favour to your parents Surely it's nkrmal for your son to keep the name he was born with... what would have been more respectful to your parents is you keeping your name and your DH changing his name to yours, or everyone double-barrelling.

Meadows76 · 21/10/2016 16:20

ive seen so many threads being like 'our DC will have their dad's surname'. Just why? well why not? I mean it's personal choice isn't it. After all, they are his kids too

SorenaJ · 21/10/2016 17:32

Why? Because I haven't seen the same same for the mum's surname. one choice is the default choice. It should be a personal choice, nothing should be default.

RaingodswithZippos · 21/10/2016 18:37

Namechange - it was his decision. I didn't mind either way, he suggested it and I thought it was a nice idea. I may have not explained well, but I was quite happy to change my own surname (I am quite traditional and was very young when I married) and we didn't ever discuss whether I wanted to keep my name as I just automatically planned to change it. I didn't want a double barrelled name (partly because it would have sounded strange with both names together, a bit like a famous actor's unusual double barrelled surname with one letter different, which would have sounded like we were emulating that) and actually I now know that DH would have agreed to change his name if I had suggested it because we have discussed it since. On reflection, I would still have taken his name. It's nicer with my first name (my maiden name and first name are both one syllable, my married name is longer and quite exotic).

I am forever being asked to explain why DS has a different surname from his brothers and parents, but most people think the story behind it is quite sweet, rather than weird!

RaingodswithZippos · 21/10/2016 18:39

(When I say exotic I mean unusual in spelling, it's French)

PotatoBread · 23/10/2016 13:44

It's not a given but it's whatever you and your DP decide. My recently newborn DD was given DPs surname but that's because it's what we both wanted. We intend on marrying someday and I will take DPs surname (I didn't with my previous exh). Some people mightn't approve but it's none of their business really.

VinoTime · 23/10/2016 14:15

DD has my surname. I've always been a single mum and I knew from the offset her dad wasn't going to be particularity involved. There really was no question about whose surname she was given. He wanted her to have his, but I said no. It wasn't up for debate. I've raised her, not him. Had we been together as a couple, I still would've pushed for my surname only.

I would never surrender my surname. It's part of my identity and nothing will ever make me give it up. I'm amazed at the amount of women who change their names just because they get married And it really confounds me why unmarried women give their children their DP's surname without really thinking it through.

Don't misunderstand, I get that for a lot of people they dislike their surname or maybe want to distance themselves from a family name for whatever reason, but in general I just see the whole 'taking his name' thing as such a draconian practice.

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