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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Help - wife has already decided a name I don't like

35 replies

username999 · 21/04/2016 10:00

Hi,

My wife is 38 weeks pregnant and has become attached to a baby name I don't like. I've suggested that we should both have veto on the name ie. we need to find a name neither of us object to. She won't agree to this - she's picked the name on her own and that's it. She now refers to the baby by this name.

This is making me really upset. I wouldn't dream of calling our baby by a name she doesn't like. I really can't understand how she could enjoy calling the baby by a name that I object to.

We've had some marriage problems in the past and I now feel like my wife is more selfish than I ever realised. Feels like this could be the last straw.

I just want to ask if people can see it from her point of view? I don't think I'm being selfish am I? - I'm just asking for a name we both agree on

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BendydickCuminsnatch · 21/04/2016 10:01

Er no, she is being entirely unreasonable!

Maroonie · 21/04/2016 10:02

I think you should both like the name, ask how she would feel if you picked a name she didn't like and just used it?
It Does sound like a symptom of a bigger problem though

honeysucklejasmine · 21/04/2016 10:03

Not at all, it's very unfair on you.

I would be tempted to be a bit childish and start referring to the bump by a name she hates, but only for an hour or so, before having a more grown up conversation about how it makes you feel.

NNalreadyinuse · 21/04/2016 10:03

I agree with you that a name should be something both parents agree on, but your main priority here is to do something about the state of your marriage because you have both chosen to bring a child into a car crash of a relationship.

witchofzog · 21/04/2016 10:05

Some people will probably come on here and say she has grown the baby inside her therefore she should choose etc. However I think it should be a name you both agree on. Especially as you actively dislike the name she has chosen. Why will she not compromise?

Maroonie · 21/04/2016 10:06

I also should add that a friends partner did this and although it's not the name they would have picked, it grew on then and now couldn't imagine the child being called anything else.
Obviously if it's a really unusual names this might not work but it doesn't need to be the end of the world

witchofzog · 21/04/2016 10:06

Can you show her this thread?

Lweji · 21/04/2016 10:06

Is it awful?

Seeyounearertime · 21/04/2016 10:10

What is the name?
Is it something you can shorten to something bmore agreeable?

Maybe suggest, as she's picked and is unmovable on the first, that you pick the middle?

Lweji · 21/04/2016 10:16

We also need some clarification on the names you like.

Are they, like on another thread, so cringing that the OP was advised to put her foot down and ignore her OH?

Peppaismyhomegirl · 21/04/2016 10:19

This was us. I had
My heart set on a name an DH hated it. He tried to like it, I cried alot. But in the end, we called him a compromise because that's what's fair. I didn't like it don't get me wrong, but it's our child. We both have a say in its upbringing.

She is being totally unreasonable. Show her this thread. What she is doing is vile

Catmuffin · 21/04/2016 10:20

No that's not fair. Yanbu if it was aibu

misscph1973 · 21/04/2016 10:30

My DH was very insistent on a name for our first that I wasn't 100% sure on. I gave in, because I knew it was important to him (it was a family name) and the name I wanted I didn't feel strongly about. DH's choice of name grew on me, and I really love it now. With our second child, the name just came to me, and although DH wasn't sold on it, he didn't have an alternative that he felt strongly about, so he gave in. In both cases we gave our children middle names that the other party wanted IYSWIM.

I think you DW is being unreasonable, but sometimes we do things for our partners anyway.

At the end of the day, a name is just a name. I suggest you really think about it and why you don't like it and if you have a better alternative. Also, is her insistence / your reluctance really about the name, could it be something else, ie. symbolic for your relationship / how you decide things? Make sure that the importance you attach to this name is real.

1horatio · 21/04/2016 11:00

I think vetorights are something both partners should have...

However, you say you have already had marital problems. Maybe there is something different going on here?
It is obviously possible that your wife is simply very selfish.
But in many cases it needs 2 to tango. So, whatever the issue is, maybe marriage counselling may help you two?
Or asking her why she is dong this?

But no, wanting a name both parents gree on is not selfish. It's normal, imo. However, sometimes compromise is the best solution.

RainbowJack · 21/04/2016 12:36

We've had some marriage problems in the past and I now feel like my wife is more selfish than I ever realised. Feels like this could be the last straw.

Maybe she sees herself becoming the primary parent of the child and thus has given the child a name she prefers and isn't interested in compromising.

DerelictMyBalls · 21/04/2016 14:27

I'm so sad for you, that's a terrible situation. I hope you can work through it.

TheIncredibleHulk · 21/04/2016 14:37

I'm currently pregnant with our third and tempted to decide myself as my own husband is fussy to the absolute extreme. It's bloody ridiculous. Saying that I wouldn't insist on using a name he hated.

I am guessing though that you have contributed some suggestions and tried to come to a compromise?

septembersunshine · 21/04/2016 14:38

Could you come up with a compromise? for example the name she likes could be a middle name and you think of a new first name you both love together? Could you ask her what it is about it that she loves and maybe think about other names that are similar or have the same feeling/meaning to her? I hope you can work this out. BTW I think she is really being unfair to have picked a name and has decided to use it despite the fact you really don't like it. I'm sorry for you.

Cheesecake53 · 21/04/2016 14:47

Maybe she does it to wind you up?
I really hope she does not seriously consider a name you as the father would not like. If she insists, as a compromise, could the baby have a second name you choose by which you call the child then. I hope it all resolves amicably!!!!

LemonBreeland · 21/04/2016 14:50

How would she feel if you went and reigstered the baby in a name she hates, before she even has the chance to register the baby. As you are married it is a possibility, not suggesting you do it. But mention it t oher as a sign of how unreasonable she is being.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 21/04/2016 14:51

YANBU, that's incredibly unfair of her.

albertcampionscat · 21/04/2016 17:06

YANBU, of course. I'd have some sympathy, though, if she'd chosen a name for a very strong reason - e.g. if it was the name of a recently deceased parent.

NapQueen · 21/04/2016 17:09

Choosing and using a name that you dislike prior to the baby's arrival is very unreasonable. It is highly likely that after watching her give birth you would have thought she deserves the final say on the name, but to pick one you clearly are very anti is not on.

What are is the name? Is there anything similar you could suggest?

It appears though that this could prove to be the straw that breaks the camels back, from what you've said though.

FuzzyOwl · 21/04/2016 17:14

Lemon the mother, whether married or not, has the final say legally about a child's name.

RainbowJack my thoughts exactly.

CodyKing · 21/04/2016 17:24

We went through lists of names - until we found one we both agreed on - with the other suggestion as a a second name - (his pick was first)

Second baby - mine choice was first with his pick second - both names we both liked -

I think you do need to agree with a bit of compromise

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