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Original poster

Medical termination question please.

39 replies

Teaandtoast1 · 08/05/2014 17:34

Hi, I'm looking at the likely possibility of a medical termination next week. I've had a positive NIFTY test and am waiting an amnio - but I've been told there is very little hope.

I will be 18/19 week when we terminate. This is my first baby so I don't know what to expect.

My question is is there a chance I will tear - like I hear happens in most full term labours?

Sorry if this is a silly question but my mind is in over drive.

Thanks.

OP posts:
lostlove · 08/05/2014 21:42

Sorry you've had such bad news.

I'm not medically qualified, but I don't think you'd tear because the baby is still relatively small. Hopefully somebody else will come along and confirm that.

Please keep posting if it helps and ask any questions you need to; there's a lot of experience to draw on here. I found reading older threads helped me prepare for the TFMR I had last year, in that I had a better idea of what to expect. It was still very hard, but there was less fear of the unknown.

Original poster
Teaandtoast1 · 08/05/2014 22:00

Thanks lostlove. I thought the baby would be too small but wasn't sure as technically your body isn't quite ready for labour yet I'm guessing.

I've found this forum a great deal of help, I've been reading a lot but have only just started to build the confidence to post. Everyone is just so helpful, it really makes a difference.

OP posts:
snapple21 · 08/05/2014 22:02

I'm so sorry to hear this. To answer your question - your baby will be about the size of your hand and still be quite soft, if that makes sense. I had a medical termination at 16 weeks for the same reason as you and although I felt my baby tumble out, it did not hurt and I didn't need to push.

Please contact the charity arc - they have supported me immensely - and look after yourself

Original poster
Teaandtoast1 · 08/05/2014 22:06

Thanks snapple. I rang ARC today and they were really lovely. I've clearly not come to terms with whats going to happen next week but after reading everyone's stories etc I feel much more informed and 'ready' if that makes sense. Just want everything over now really x

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TheMightyMing · 08/05/2014 22:09

So sorry to hear this- look after yourself x

offbeatgirl · 11/05/2014 13:32

I'm really sorry that you're in the position. I terminated at 15 weeks after a bad CVS result and poor prognosis for the baby. This was my first pregnancy, and I found the induced contractions to be the most painful part: my baby slipped out without too much difficulty. Don't hold back from asking for pain relief (which is readily available) - I regret not taking advantage of the diamorphine on offer.

Original poster
Teaandtoast1 · 11/05/2014 13:38

I'm sorry to hear that offbeatgirl. I think I'll ask for as much pain relief as possible. I can't help thinking that I could cope with the pain more if it was actual child birth, ie with a baby at the end.

I've been googling (pretty much non stop which I know is bad) on medical and surgical abortions.

Do you get a choice? Do I have to go through 'labour' so to speak? It's unclear.

Thanks.

OP posts:
lostlove · 11/05/2014 15:06

I've just looked at NHS choices and you're right, it's not clear. However, my understanding is that there are few surgical terminations carried out after the first trimester so I'd imagine you will deliver. As offbeatgirl said, you can have lots of pain relief.

For what it's worth, I've had two early second trimester TFMRs, one surgical and one medical. Whilst the surgical felt, at the time, like the easier option, I struggled a lot more afterwards. With the medical, we spent time with the baby after delivery and had a private funeral - it really helped the grieving process.

That said, I went through the medical after having had a living child; I was also older, much better informed and better supported.

I was unsure about seeing the baby, but when I met with the bereavement midwife beforehand, she was very positive about how it would be. I'll always be very grateful to her because I think I was scared but, as I said, for me it was a very important part of the grieving process.

Sorry, that was long. I think I'm trying to say that medical termination isn't necessarily the worst of the two options.

Original poster
Teaandtoast1 · 11/05/2014 17:16

Thanks for your reply lostlove. You have been through a lot.

I had way too much time to think about all of this (as it's taken weeks for test results) so we have decided not to see the baby. It's too much. I've decided I want to put some flowers on my mums grave for the baby and leave it at that.

I suppose I am frightened with it being my first time as I don't know what to expect. Not that anyone does I suppose. I just wish I could be put to asleep and wake up and it's all over so we can try to start to move on x

OP posts:
lostlove · 11/05/2014 19:10

It must've been terrible having such a long wait - it feels like a lifetime even when the results are quick.

I understand wanting it all to be over. The only thing I would say though, is to make sure you don't expect too much of yourself and try to move on too quickly if it proves harder to do than you anticipated. Take it as it comes and be kind to yourself.

Original poster
Teaandtoast1 · 11/05/2014 19:26

Thanks. I'll try. It took a lot for me to go off sick from work as I don't normally. I knew that it was getting too much though.

Being at homes been hard though too, there's only so much daytime TV you can watch! X

OP posts:
snapple21 · 13/05/2014 18:27

I second that going through the labour process and being able to spend time with my baby after the tfmr helped the grieving process. Everyone's different though.

Original poster
Teaandtoast1 · 13/05/2014 20:10

I'm going in to take my first tablet tomorrow. After now almost 7 weeks of waiting for my test results there's a part of me that's relieved. Just want everything over now. X

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Nessalina · 13/05/2014 23:15

Hi, I thought I'd post on this thread, so sorry to hear your news Sad
Just thought I'd let you know my experience, hope it helps. We had the TFMR at 16 weeks so a couple of weeks before you, but I expect it will be similar.
As others have said, the actual moment of the baby leaving was really the easiest, as it signalled the end, and was not painful or stretching in itself. Our daughter was just 100g, so really very small. The painful bit is the contractions induced by the pessary, and they really are rather painful, definitely take any meds they offer - the diamorphine was bliss.
From the point of induction it was about 45 mins before pain started, then I had gas and air for maybe an hour, then it really began to hurt so I had the diamorphine, and after that I floated for another hour or so before she was born.
Be prepared for a lot of blood after, like an extremely heavy period, and speak up if you feel faint/nauseous after. I stayed in overnight with DH because I was very groggy after the meds. You will need time to recuperate, I was signed off for two weeks, but take more if you need!
You can take in music with you, we listened to something calming on my iPod. Don't be afraid to ask a midwife to stay with you, they're specially trained to deal with people going through what you are.
Bizarre as it sounds, I found it a sad experience, but also felt it was as positive as it could have been - the midwives were wonderful, and although I was really really scared, it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I'd thought. My overriding thought afterwards was: so THAT'S what a contraction feels like! So now I know for when I'm there again.
And you will be there again, very soon I hope, with a much happier outcome Thanks xxx

DrFunkesFamilyBandSolution · 13/05/2014 23:20

So sorry to hear your sad news.

Hope tomorrow is as (physically) easy & pain free for you as possible & you've got lots of lovely real life support. X

lostlove · 14/05/2014 02:26

Will be thinking of you tomorrow, Tea.

LuckyAugust · 14/05/2014 09:26

So sorry teaandtoast. Will be thinking of you tomorrow. Its just over 3 months since my tmfr and whilst the pain will never fully go away it does get easier to deal with after a while. Take care of yourself and message me if you need to chat xxx

Original poster
Teaandtoast1 · 14/05/2014 16:09

Thanks so much for all your kind words. Had the first tablet today, then going back on Friday to deliver (sorry if that's the wrong terminology). They have stressed I can have lots of pain killers so I'll take them up on that. I don't even get period pain so I'm going to be in for a shock I think xx

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Original poster
Teaandtoast1 · 14/05/2014 16:11

Nessalina. Thanks so much for explaining that in such a detailed way, it's really helpful, I know it must be hard to talk about it again so thank you xxx

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Nessalina · 14/05/2014 21:20

No problem at all Smile PM me if you have anything else you want to know. I'll have my fingers crossed for things going smoothly on Friday xx

lostlove · 15/05/2014 00:22

Hope you're bearing up ok, Tea.

This in-between time is so hard, but you just have to get through it.

Original poster
Teaandtoast1 · 15/05/2014 09:30

Yeah it is horrid I have to agree, Ive watched every day time TV programme in existance, just don't know what do to with myself. Husbands off now so that's better. Just wish tomorrow would hurry up.

May I ask what you told friends and family? We are just going to say we had a miscarriage but a few people have noticed I've been off work sick this week already, And after our 12 week scan a few close family asked how it went etc, as you do, we felt we couldn't lie and say everything's ok so we said 'we're having more tests'. I've been saying 'there may be a problem with the baby's heart' (which isn't too far from the truth really). So were planning to say miscarriage but those that know about the 'extra scans and tests' we will say the baby's heart wasn't developed enough. Does that sound ok? I personally couldn't give a toss what anyone thinks but my husbands worried people will judge us.

Sorry that was an essay! Xx

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offbeatgirl · 15/05/2014 18:42

I wondered what to tell people too. The clinical psychologist at the hospital suggested that I could just say that I lost the baby, or that the baby died, and I found this helpful because it was, after all, true. I did contemplate a more expansive cover story, but in practice most people didn't want further details because they recognised that it was a sensitive topic.

That said, I did tell a few people what had happened, and was worried about people judging me, even though I was confident that I'd made the best decision I could in the circumstances (I terminated for Turner's with hydrops). However, I've yet to encounter any hostility or judgement.

Take care of yourself x

Nessalina · 15/05/2014 19:13

It's a tricky one, but you'll find that most people won't ask to be honest. For those that do that don't know much of the detail, 'we lost the baby', for those that need to know more, 'the baby would have had a lot of problems, and may not have lived to term, and so we decided it was best to not take the pregnancy further'.
Just say what feels right to you, and to those you love, don't be afraid to tell them the full story. They won't have anything but sympathy and understanding I'm sure.

Original poster
Teaandtoast1 · 15/05/2014 19:56

Thanks. It's more for my husband really. He's a bit upset that I told my best friend. I don't have any sisters and lost my mum 2 years ago and just needed to tell someone. He's a very private person and is so upset with all this (naturally).

You are right. Think I'll just say we lost the baby.

I went to put some flowers on my mums grave today and then went for a wander to where the baby garden is, it's where the baby's from my hospital go (unless you want a private funeral) it really helped me now I've seen it. Xx

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