What help is actually available? (Haven’t bonded with baby)

[MrsStarshine]

I’m having a hard time coping with my two month old. I think the underlying problem is that we haven’t bonded.

I can manage if he is in a good mood or even if he is a bit upset (e.g. he’s tired but I can settle him). It’s like babysitting a nephew. But sometimes he just cries and it’s impossible to fix because he’s too upset to be fed, burped, etc. At those times I sometimes just break down and cry or yell. It’s so pathetic and awful of me.

My husband is fantastic and patient with him. He has this whole reservoir of love for the baby even when he’s upset that I just lack completely. I think my husband is getting frustrated with me though.

The baby doesn’t like me much really. He cries more around me and is less interested in me compared to my husband (I think… maybe that’s all my faulty perception)

Even if I do admit this to the health visitor or GP or anyone, what can they actually do? Just prescribe some medication? Has anyone been in the same situation? What happened?

Please speak to your Health visitor they can signpost you to therapy if you need it or baby groups I know it sounds flippant but things like baby massage can.help you bond with your baby, but in the first instance you might need to speak to your health visitor and Gp.as you might need treatment, your baby does not hate you.

Chances are they will prescribe you some medication and / or refer you for counselling.

I remember those awful moments where they are just inconsolable and there’s nothing you can do. With my ds it would usually be when he was very tired (but would he sleep …?) It is awful.

Bonding is a process and can take years. It’s very early days

Bonding is a process and can take years. It’s very early days

This I didn't instantly bond with my first baby it took literally months, they are such hard work and so draining it is relentless and you are tired , it just takes so much out of you,

OP, of course your husband is far more patient with the baby. His body hasn't been through everything yours has in recent months. And he's probably getting a whole lot more sleep than you at the moment too, and he's also not awash with hormones. Don't compare - his job is far easier than yours at the moment. I'm sorry I can't give any practical advice, as I did not give birth in the UK. What I can tell you is that it took me a long toime to bond with DD. I would go as far as to say I was a bit scared on her in the beginning! She's 20 now, and we have a great relationship, and I love her more than anything in the world. You won't always feel the way you feel now - it's early days. Well done for recognising so early that you need help. I hope other posters will be along shortly with practical advice as to where you can access this help. Hang in there. 💐

There’s therapy and sessions specifically about building a bond with your baby. There are group sessions too so you can make friends with other women in a similar situation and feel less alone. There’s individual therapy and yes there’s medication. You’ve gone through a huge and often traumatic experience and change, your brain is probably in survival mode and there’s not much time to focus on building relationships in that time. You probably have more of a bond than you realise too.

Please talk to your HV or GP. There is specialist help with bonding issues and you need to be thoroughly checked out for PND. You're doing exactly the right thing speaking up. I'm sorry things are so tough. Very many mums have been through this and had help.

I echo what PPs have said about telling your health visitor. You may also want to contact PANDAS Foundation (I don’t work for them or anything but have received some really good support from them after the birth of my own DC). They offer lots of free support in various formats and can help with this. Please don’t suffer in silence 💐

Your bay does absolutely NOT dislike you. He’s far too small to even have any idea that you are a separate person from him. You are his entire world.
Are you bread feeding?? What actual help and support do you get day to day. How is his sleep and how well have you recovered.
PLEASE speak to and be honest with a health professional. Bonding took me
months, there is nothing ‘wrong’ with you, you just some time and help.

You might get offered to move in to a mother and baby unit. I think it’s a bit of a postcode lottery from what I’ve heard but I’ve heard they are amazing. I got invited to move into one with my second but I decided to not go ahead

Thanks it’s good to hear from someone on the other side, I hope you’re all well now

Thanks for the encouragement. Yes it’s so frustrating feeling helpless when he’s upset

Yes you’re right he is not dealing with the same things as me, I should keep that on perspective. I’m glad you’re doing well now

Thank you for the encouragement, I actually looked up what my local area offers and it is a good variety of things like that.

Thanks for the supportive message, I will contact the HV service next week when they’re in the office

Thanks for the link, it looks really helpful. I hope you & your children are doing well these days

You have a lot of good advise on here. Just wanted to tell you my story. I could have written this post with my first baby.

My husband took to it like a duck to water. My son (now 13) loved him and it was so noticeable, they bonded so quickly and so strongly that it’s still noticeable to this day. I felt like a spare part. He settled him better and quicker and got better results overall.

But… your baby is only 2 months. You haven’t failed and you have plenty of time. Preserve, talk to your midwife if you need. One thing that helped me was doing the midnight feed in his room in the dark (just a little soft lamp) and doing skin to skin. It’s not a miracle cure and it might not fix everything but find times where you can enjoy your baby (when they are calm), which can be easier said then done

Fast forward to today, we have a really strong bond. I still get cuddles all the time and get to lie in his bed with him talking about his day things that bothered him (this is generally at bed time but you can’t have it all 😂😂) and I feel silly thinking that my baby didn’t love me. He was just getting to know me.

I wish you all the best @MrsStarshine ❤️

I felt absolutely the same at two months. It was so awful and so incredibly lonely.

I got help from my local peri-natal mental health team. I had a counsellor who came out to my home each week, and a baby massage therapist who came out too. I think she was fortnightly. She took me through lots of baby massage exercises to help bonding. There was also a weekly mum and baby class with other mums who were struggling in the same way and it was such a relief to hear others say out loud the things I’d been feeling, rather than the normal baby groups which I found made me feel worse! I was able to keep seeing the psychiatrist there for 12 months before being discharged.

I am breast feeding, that’s been really helpful for me actually because I can’t withdraw from everything.

I’ve physically recovered from the birth but it was an emergency c-section with lots of blood loss so it was quite difficult. I was blaming that for my low mood for a while

he is actually a champion sleeper so I feel very lucky. My husband is very good and supportive. I could ask him to do more but I want to pull my weight, he works so hard. My parents are nearby but they both still work and the times don’t really line up

thanks so much, I hope you’re doing well now

It looks like there is a unit local-ish but from the website it sounds like it’s only used when at-home help isn’t enough, so I probably wouldn’t qualify anyway

I hope everything is going well for you & your family now

That’s such a wonderful encouraging story thank you for sharing, I hope we have the same relationship when he’s older

Thanks so much for that information, that all sounds so useful. I hope everything is better for you these days

Yes she is an adult now .we get on great.

Have you connected with any breastfeeding groups/drop ins/breastfeeding counsellors? I'm sure they will know what support is available and helpful and they are really likely to have loads of knowledge, wisdom and kindness to offer.

You're breastfeeding and you need support. I dont think any of the breastfeeding support services would see you as just a functioning or non functioning milk supply, they will want to support you as a person, to support your breastfeeding, to support your baby too.

National Breastfeeding Helpline: 0300 100 0212 (open 24 hours a day according to the nhs website).

https://laleche.org.uk/find-lll-support-group/

https://www.nct.org.uk/local-activities-meet-ups/feeding-support

I had 2 emergency C sections, the second quite traumatic. Establishing breastfeeding was very difficult for me and I suffered with the aftermath of the whole experience. You are doing really well.

Other mothers have been where you are and will want to offer support. You are doing the best possible thing by looking to see if there is help available. There is, but you might need to search it out. Horrible though it is to go through it, this will pass ❤️