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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....in wanting dh to lose weight?

40 replies

frazzledfairy · 01/11/2009 22:18

when dh and i met 4 years ago i weighed 9 stone (5"7) and he weighed 11 1/2 (5"11), now i weigh just under 10 stone and he weighs just over 14, i have had 2 children since then!

he does exercise quite a lot but i think he eats crap when i am not around and he also drinks cider every night.

it's not particularly about appearances, more to do with the fact that i ahve arthritis in both of my hips and it's quite hard for us to have sex anyway and i feel his weight plays a reasonable part in this.

also dh's dad is pretty overweight (around his stomach, in exactly the same place as dh) and in quite poor health with heart probs etc and i don't want dh to have these problems, he is 14 years older than me anyway and on the oldish side as a father and i want him to be around and healthy for as long as poss.

we have talked about it and i think dh thinks i am nagging him (i probably am!).

i see it as dh doesn't care enough about me and my decrepid body to do something as simple as eat less

OP posts:
nula · 01/11/2009 22:23

yanbu . I would say the same to a man writing this about his wife who had got fat.

I am slightly overweight and dh does not mind in the least.
I kind of wish he did as it might motivate me to lose some!

However he needs to want to do it to; I am sure you are aware you have to be really motivated to lose weight and get fit.

But I think you are being very reasonable , and not just for health reasons

moondog · 01/11/2009 22:24

No.
It's selfish and lazy to be fat.
Also, it's not a turn on. Have you told him that?
I wouldn't have sex with my dh if he turned into a bloater.

LauraIngallsWilder · 01/11/2009 22:24

Hi Frazzled

what is his BMI?
14 stone doesnt sound like that much to me!
But then my XH weighed more than that when we got married and now probably weighs 22 stone maybe more

If your dhs BMI is below or near 25 he sounds perfect

LauraIngallsWilder · 01/11/2009 22:25

Is 14 stone at 5ft11 really bloater status then

I stand corrected

Monsterspam · 01/11/2009 22:39

I can assure you moondog, I am neither selfish or lazy

Monsterspam · 01/11/2009 22:40

Sorry, pressed post in error.

How narrow minded can people be? (Not you, OP)

LauraIngallsWilder · 01/11/2009 22:44

I thought the same tbh monster fret not!

Frazzled - I worked out your dhs bmi, its 28 which isnt terrible - overweight yes but definitely not enormous imho

My BMI is 30 and most people I know assume I am a healthy weight (I dont enlighten them!) I want to shrink it to below 25 (It was 32!)

Monsterspam · 01/11/2009 22:44

According to a BMI chart OP, your DH is 22.5 which is perfect for his height.

Monsterspam · 01/11/2009 22:45

Oops, x posted!

defineme · 01/11/2009 22:48

I guessed his age as 40something and his bmi comes up as 27 which is overweight, but not obese. He wouldn't have to lose much to get to 24.5 which is normal weight range. Tbh he'd probably only have to give up the cider.
I had a talk with my dh because though his weight is fine he is older and had never exercised ever- he needs to be around for his kids unlike a lot of men in his family.He joined the leisure centre gym and goes regularly -I didn't have to nag just point out what wasn't obvious to him.
Your dh could have a check up at the drs. He could train for a charity event-you could do it together.Or you could bet him he can't get a stone off in 6 weeks/by xmas.
Tbh the not finding him sexy argument doesn't wash with me-I haven't gained weight in 3 kids and 10 yrs of marriage, but I have stretch marks, white hairs and a general tired out appearance, but ffs of course dh still fancies me. what kind of person doesn't fancy their partner if they put on a couple of stone? I would be a little by my dh drinking cider every night.
I have to confess that my dh is slim, but I have most definately facied the odd 'bloater' in my time so I can't see your point, but health wise YANBU

Monsterspam · 01/11/2009 22:49

Sorry! I worked it out on his old weight!

I also get 28 for his weight now, which is classed as overweight.

I think you want him to lose some weight for the right reasons though so YANBU.

defineme · 01/11/2009 22:49

worried by him drinking...

moondog · 01/11/2009 22:52

'what kind of person doesn't fancy their partner if they put on a couple of stone?'

Er me. (And most honest people I'll wager.)

shabbapinkfrog · 01/11/2009 22:54

Moondog I really am not lazy or in the least bit selfish but I am overweight - very overweight in fact. Have been for many years since my 7 month old twin boy died very suddenly and 10 years later when my DS3 was knocked down and killed.

My H remarks about my size constantly and it has the complete opposite effect on me that he is aiming for. It makes me sad and hungry!

nula · 01/11/2009 22:57

moondog, me too.

And for the record I AM lazy and selfish (and a bit fat)

defineme · 01/11/2009 23:03

really truly? Has it ever happened? I can think of many close friends and family who have gained weight yet still have active sex lives- that's the only 'evidence' I can think of for fancying.
Call me naive, but I just can't see an intelligent women who fancies a man going off him because of that. Surely you fancy his mind as well as his body? What about the bits of his body that don't change with weight gain if we're talking about the physical? What about his eyes and the look in them. What about his attitude to life? I just can't get that repulsed by a flabby gut when I've got someone who romances me, writes me poetry and has a fasntastic arse.

shabbapinkfrog · 01/11/2009 23:08

Good post defineme - really good post. x

LadyEvenstarsCauldren · 01/11/2009 23:11

Shabba....that is narrow mindedness for you.

This is why I love my DP. he has never moaned about my weight...actually he did once when i lost a lot of weight....he liked me having a fuller figure and so did i lol.

defineme · 01/11/2009 23:13

On the other hand I suppose physical appearance can be a manisfestation of problems in relationships-people overeat because they're bored, sad, trying to fill an emotional hole that bereavement or something else has caused. Their weight could be a signal to a partner that something is wrong with the relationship and perhaps that partner doesn't want to be reminded of that/face that issue.
Assuming laziness is really pretty glib and lazy of you . Yes it's one reason, but it's not the only one is it?

Mermaidspam · 01/11/2009 23:13

defineme - I love you

shabbapinkfrog · 01/11/2009 23:14

I dont care what people look like, what kind of house they have, what possessions they have - I just know that this life is about a whole lot more than looks and possessions!

LadyEvenstarsCauldren · 01/11/2009 23:17

Since I was 14 I have been every size and weight from 8 stone to 15 stone.

at 21 I weighed 8st 3 and wore clothes for 14 yr old girls.

at 34 I weight 12 stone and am a size 12 in clothes...

how am I happier???

as I am now.

applepudding · 01/11/2009 23:27

Frazzled fairy - I sympathise with you because your DH sounds very much like mine (my DH is about 5'10" and his weight has also increased from 11 stone to 14 stone)

I have to confess that I have also put weight on since I met my DH, but not as much as DH, and I do make an effort to eat healthily most of the time and do a bit of exercise.

My DH has been told by his doctor to cut down on his drink, and that his blood pressure and colestral are too high. He will make an effort for a couple of weeks, but then goes back into his old ways.

I too feel like I'm nagging if I try to say anything.

defineme · 01/11/2009 23:30

I honestly think those of us that don't care are in the majority.So much more important things, but op is right in that health is important if you can do something about it.
Shabba - the looks and possessions thing is something I want to quote to people!

TheFallenMadonna · 01/11/2009 23:36

Meh. Moondog has issues about this sort of thing.

I've put on weight since we met, and so has DH. He is still very attractive to me, and evidence would suggest I am to him.

But I think it's probably easier when it's the two of us, and we can say (as we did last night) - how about a bit of an effort before Christmas, than where it's only the one partner who needs to take action.