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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed by mums who pass on second hand compliments about their DC as if that exonorates them from being considered boastful?

40 replies

Hoppity · 25/09/2009 22:08

I am surrounded by mothers who relate back to me all the compliments their DC receive. AIBU to consider this stealth bragging? Like ''my PIL were saying how very bright they think Dc1 is''. Or ''the HV said dc1 is perfect''. Or even ''Everyone thought DC1's birthdsy was brilliant'' Etc. It is not subtle and very annoying. How to retaliate? Counter bragging does not work (I have tried it and it just gives original bragger the conviction that bragging is permitted).

OP posts:

pigsinmud · 25/09/2009 22:12

Yanbu. Breathe and ignore.

Do not and I repeat do not enter a bragging war as, like you say, it will never end.

mazzystartled · 25/09/2009 22:15

och so they're proud of their kids, so what?
so long as they are not doing yours down wa's the problem?

Rantagonist · 25/09/2009 22:33

It's possible that they're trying to fend off the guilt that everyone tries to put on mums for always having to do the right thing. It might be them saying 'look I'm doing OK cos other people say I am',

I wouldn't repeat it myself, apart from to DH, but it is really nice when someone compliments your DC, cos it's a kind of compliment to you.

NeedCoffee · 25/09/2009 22:43

Don't retalitate, just smile sweetly, let them get on with it and remember that your Dcs are the best!

StableButDeluded · 25/09/2009 22:56

Oh dear. Someone asked how DS's birthday party went on wednesday and I said 'fine, everyone said they really enjoyed it'

I didn't think I was bragging, it was the first party I've ever done, 40 kids and I was genuinely pleased that the children seemed to have a good time. And I was relieved I'd done OK TBH, cos I don't have much confidence in organising things.

I wouldn't go round saying things like 'DS's teacher says he's very bright' that does sound a bit showy-offy.

YouCantTeuchThis · 25/09/2009 23:04

I brag by stealth, but I exonorate myself by adopting a mock-bragging tone

"Oh yeeeees, DS1 is terribly articulate and his quantum physics is really coming on a treat"

Seriously though, you can't really blame someone for being proud of their kids, unless they are indirectly putting others down by comparison.

I would always say "You must be really proud" and change the subject.

2shoes · 25/09/2009 23:05

I brag, I tell people how much dd's school love her.
who cares

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 25/09/2009 23:20

This will come as a shock so sit down... People are actually allowed to be proud of their kids. Kids are actually the centre of some parent's lives.

Would you believe it.

hambler · 25/09/2009 23:48

Hoppity, I love your name and YANBU

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 26/09/2009 08:01

I think it's sad how so many people on MN think people are 'boasting'. Some people are just happy with their DCs and proud of them It's not the end of the world- there are worse 'faults' to have.

stoppinattwo · 26/09/2009 08:09

My children make me proud every day and people compliment them and I share those compliments and yes may this could be seen as bragging......so what.......it is not also positive, encouraging, how can that be a bad think, you sound like you lack confidence OP?

ChunkyKitKat · 26/09/2009 08:16

I wouldn't retaliate at all, just steer them towards a different subject.

Just sounds like they are proud of their dc, I'd rather hear that than how they are struggling or unhappy.

bubblagirl · 26/09/2009 08:18

my ds makes me proud every day and it seems my group of friends feel the same about there children as we all seem to say something nice about our children every day and not once do we feel the other is bragging

i think if its said competitively then it can be come annoying but general nice things i do not see as bragging at all i think its nice

Besom · 26/09/2009 08:39

I feel the same as bubblagirl. I'm very fond of my friend's dcs as well so I like it when they say proud things about them.

I'm not very competitive myself though so it mainly washes over me when other people are trying to compete with me.

Original poster

Hoppity · 26/09/2009 08:41

Stoppin - you are right, insecurity is my middle name. I do feel like every second hand compliment / boast is a direct comparison with my own dc. There, I've said it. When my dc get compliments I glow with inner pride but couldn't see a way to report it back to anyone. [goes off to work on self esteem]

OP posts:

fruitshootsandleaves · 26/09/2009 08:43

Bragging is fine if it's about any of my children!! Bragging is just not British..... but in the USA people are allowed to say nice things about their dcs and nobody minds. AS long as it's not said in a 'my dcs are better than yours' I really don;t mind what people say about their dcs.

bubblagirl · 26/09/2009 08:59

i found when ds was a baby i felt people were bragging as i doubted my own parenting was too tired etc and felt the whole world was better than me

now i have good friends with good children and i am comfortable with my parenting and how ds has turned out his polite and genuinely my best buddy and my group of friends are always complimenting each other as well as our own children

i do have some that are competitive but again have learnt its more again of just feeling proud and us feeling insecure that we have done wrong as our child isnt doing that yet i have learnt to be proud of everyone and not take it personally as all children are fab in there own rights

pagwatch · 26/09/2009 09:31

i at this op

YAMBU It is very common (although understandable)
If I want to brag about my Dcs i just do it but I have many friends who repeat often absurd 3rd party compliments.
I seldom believe that a 6 year old has congratulated another 6 year old on being "stylish and cool" unless perhaps they are johnnie Bodens kids and they really do talk like that. Or that other parents regularly stop and congratulate others on their child being very bright or being exceptionally well behaved.

My favorite is one frined who tells me that others ask her in RL for parenting tips in a "gosh how do you do it - what is your parenting secret". All the funnier as whenever we are outthis childs manners are foul.

But people just wantto reassure themselves that they are doing a good job.

pagwatch · 26/09/2009 09:33

you are m... being unreasonable

marginally?
minimally?

PuzzleRocks · 26/09/2009 09:35

I'm extremely proud of my daughters (not all the time mind ). I don't give a monkeys if that comes across as bragging, it comes from a good place.
I would far rather listen to a mother heaping praise on her children than complaining about them.

MintyCane · 26/09/2009 10:38

I would like to brag that my PIL think my kids are utter wierdos and are always saying so. Does that count

but YANBU boasting is not nice.

Besom · 26/09/2009 12:14

Mostly?
Maybe?
Mahoosively?

brimfull · 26/09/2009 12:20

yanbu

annoying tossers

brimfull · 26/09/2009 12:22

it is peculiarly british not to like boasting isn't it

I have american friend who has been here for yrs and yrs and is slowly realising that bragging is not the done thing here

Morloth · 26/09/2009 12:25

Everyone thinks their kids are the best and say so, is the way it is supposed to be. If your Mum can't think you are the bee's knees then who will!

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