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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a VERY small wedding

27 replies

dollyparting · 14/08/2009 13:53

DP and I have been together for 12 years and have decided that we want to get married. We have both been married before (and divorced) and have both done the big white job with 100 guests.

We are both rather shy, hate being in the limelight and we really want our wedding to be just the 2 of us. We know where we want to get married (in a place that is very personal to us) and we have talked to someone who will marry us. We really just want a private ceremony. No guests, no cakes, no presents, no meal, no seating plan, no "first dance"

But we keep having moments when we worry that our close family will feel excluded.

Has anyone else done this? and can you tell me know it went. Any advice? Thanks

OP posts:

steamedtreaclesponge · 14/08/2009 13:57

YANU to want a very small wedding but you need to accept that your family may feel a bit excluded. Could you do the wedding your way and then maybe have a small dinner or something afterwards? There's absolutely no way you should feel pressured into having a big event if that's not what you want, but your family and friends would probably love the chance to celebrate with you in some way or other.

TheArmadillo · 14/08/2009 13:59

what will you do for witnesses? Will the venue provide any.
what about a trade off for family - keep your wedding as you want it and then have a party afterwards for them to celebrate it with you.

IMO if it's what you want then I'd go for it.

LuvLee · 14/08/2009 14:03

No, YANBU to have the wedding that you both want, but be prepared to have to justify it to family and friends.

boyraiser · 14/08/2009 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

merryberry · 14/08/2009 14:10

we had tiny wedding last year, nieghbours as witnesses then my best friend to wrangle the toddler and 2 of dh's company people/friends to mind the baby (child free , they were scared). we've neither of us been married before, and just didn't want/need big do. not a single soul has questioned our choise or said they were upset to miss out in anyway.

Gumbo · 14/08/2009 14:11

We did this. we invited no family whatsoever (so that nobody would feel any more/less offended than anyone else) and invited our neighbours the night before to be our witnesses.

It was easily one of the best things we've ever done - we too hate the whole limelight thing, and it felt really special with just the 2 of us, no presssure etc.

I say go for it - and enjoy it!

BetsyBoop · 14/08/2009 14:17

YANBU, we did just that, two friends for witnesses & 4month old DD as chief bridesmaid and that was it.

It was second time for both of us & we didn't want the fuss/stress TBH

The day after we sent out "come and celebrate our marriage" invites to a party 4 weeks later and buggered off went on the holiday we had planned that we (and only we ) knew was our honeymoon - to a remote cottage with no mobile phone reception - FAB (We included a little note in the invitation explaining why we had done it, that everyone was finding out like that & please not to feel left out)

The friends who were witnesses run the restaurant where we had the party, so they had to know to book the party & we found out they had done similar when they married too, so they were excellent secret keepers

MIL had done the same thing when she remarried 4 years earlier, so she couldn't complain. Both my parents are dead, but I'm not sure I could have done it like that if they had still been around, especially to my Mum (we were really close), we might have to have a "parents only" wedding.

TBH everyone was fine about it (or if they bitched we didn't find out ) they were just happy for us & happy to come to the party & celebrate.

I won't be doing it again, but if I did, it would be the way to go

lynniep · 14/08/2009 14:24

Dolly I would just do it. In your circumstances people should understand and not be offended that you want to keep it small. If you know exactly what you want, and you do seem to, then that is what you should have. If your family get stroppy, then its their problem it really is. Rather you do it that way than invite a few family and risk offending others.

I had a small wedding (not as small as you want!) for many reasons( I had my dad, stepmum, sister and brother-in-law on my side - DH had a few more than that on his)

It was a lovely day, and not at all the stress-minefield a bigger wedding would have brought me. It also cost comparatively small amounts because even though we had the whole venue to ourselves, we wed on a Tuesday (much cheaper!) and only paid for 14 people including ourselves.

If my friends and other family we miffed then they hid it well (ok - I know full well my friends were hoping for a shindig, but they all understood my reasons for not wanting that and were extremely diplomatic about it!)

You know what - my parents (dad and step-mum) did the whole small wedding thing too - I think their mums were the witnesses. No other guests. A couple of people kicked up a fuss (relatives ) but they werent worth worrying about - the people who actually cared for them said nothing. They understood two divorced (twice in my dads case!) people with slightly older children had no need for anything other than a personal ceremony.

Please just go for it - this is your life!

Original poster

dollyparting · 14/08/2009 14:25

Oh thank you for your replies. It does feel so much just what we want, without any fuss, and your responses have made me feel happy.

We plan to tell close family beforehand - they don't really go for surprises - and then have lots of mini-celebrations in the few weeks after the wedding, as we go around visiting them all.

OP posts:

susiey · 14/08/2009 14:31

my mum and stepdaad got married like this they had me and my brother ( we were kids) and their 2 witnesses and had a lovely day just a little meal after for the 6 of us and on holiday the next day

if no one is invited then they can't complain your leaving anyone out!

have a lovely day

StayFrostyBoobNazisCureCancer · 14/08/2009 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

londonartemis · 14/08/2009 16:24

You should do what you want because even if you try to please, you will still offend someone!
Sounds like you know what you want, and you can always have a party at a later date to celebrate when you're ready.

sarah293 · 14/08/2009 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

landrover · 19/08/2009 19:06

poor you

landrover · 20/08/2009 13:16

whats the news

HaventAClue · 20/08/2009 14:03

dolly you should do it, sounds lovely

we got married in Las Vegas, just the two of us no family or friends. It was fab, so easy and stress-free, and yes it was planned and we told people beforehand! We then had a small party (just a dinner) for close family and friends only - about 30 people - when we got back, in a lovely hotel. That was a lot harder to organise than the whole wedding, we're so glad it wasn't part of our wedding day - although we had a lovely time it was stressful with people people booking rooms then not coming at the last minuite, and us having to pay for empty rooms, people's fussy diets etc.

do it how you want and have a lovely time

GossipMonger · 20/08/2009 14:06

landrover - what strange posts you post!

trickerg · 20/08/2009 14:26

We got married after living together - we'd both been round the block a few times and were in our thirties. We only married because I was pregnant, more to sort the parental rights issue than anything else. It wasn't something we'd ever really planned to do.

We didn't want any fuss (we both hate ceremonies, fancy clothes and wedding lists!) and only invited a couple of friends to act as witnesses. It was just a laugh really - afterwards we went down the pub. Perfect for us.

One of our witnesses went one stage further a couple of years later, and got married on the beach in Kenya! They just had a couple of old biddies from the hotel to act as their witnesses and sent everyone a postcard signed Mr and Mrs___!!

darlingdds2 · 20/08/2009 20:15

HI,
My parents got married with just two witnesses. They have just celebrated their 50th Wedding anniversary and are very happy. However, one thing they do regret, even after 50 years is not including their parents and immediate family at the wedding. They say that they caused so much hurt particularly for their parents that they would have done it differently if they had realised.
You don't have to have a hugh wedding to just include immediate family and go to the pub for a drink afterwards. No need for a big party or reception. I think most people would be happy with that and understand. One couple I know went to the chinese after for a lunch time special with a few family members and that was their 'reception'.
DDs2

troutpout · 20/08/2009 20:27

We only had our mums and dads to our wedding.

It was lovely

My sister was a bit pissed about it apparently (a few comments were made afterwards)...but she never voiced it to us.

ZephirineDrouhin · 20/08/2009 21:24

YANBU. Having a big wedding is really just an elaborate way of coercing your friends into buying you a lot of cutlery from John Lewis. I think it's all a bit unseemly.

Good luck

crokky · 20/08/2009 21:32

YANBU to want this, but consider carefully how it will affect your mothers/fathers/siblings or any other close family.

I had a small wedding (our mothers fathers brothers, that's it) and it was brilliant. We went out to the restaurant in the high street afterwards for a quick dinner, nothing more. Anyway, my brother is getting married soon, wants a tiny wedding but hasn't decided how tiny. One of my other brothers will be fuming if excluded from his own brother's big day - he says that it is arrogant not to invite close family to your wedding (just writing this so you can assess whether any of your family members might feel this way). Personally, I want to go to my brother's wedding, but if I don't get invited I will still get them a present and won't make any sort of fuss and will still be supportive. Although secretly I really want to be there .

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 20/08/2009 22:08

Like crokky said YANBU to want this but you do have to be prepared for hurting your families.
DH and I wanted to do this but decided to tell our parents. I realised that although they would support us ultimately it would still hurt them.
We ended up with a wedding of 17 people including us made up of parents siblingd and our children plus our choice of witness each.
We had a very very informal day buffet and booze at home afterwards and it was the most fantastic day of my life so realxed but I was sooo glad in the end I had my parents and brother and sister there and DH was too.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 20/08/2009 22:09

Oh and on the same veain as Crokky my sister drove From London to the NE of Scotland through the night to get here for the wedding despite it being so small and informal because she wanted to be there when her sister got married.

cupcakesinthesnow · 21/08/2009 18:42

After being with my partner for 18 years since we were 18, we got married last year telling no one until after the ceremony and just having 2 local friends as witnesses. The four of us went for a meal afterwards.

It was lovely and I would not have had it any other way.

My best friend on the other hand felt she had to have a small family wedding. Her mother had ishoos with her Dh's family, it all kicked off and was thoroghly unpleasant. She wishes she had done as we did.

No one has the right to be annoyed with you as getting married is about YOU as a couple and no one else. I know both our families would have loved us to have a 'proper' wedding but tough. I have neither the time or desire to make a show of it so we did it our way

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