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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sometimes evade the truth about my multiple partner children?

43 replies

skybright · 13/08/2009 22:23

I would like your opinions on this ..eeekk.

I had my first baby at 16 with a very abusive 30 year old man who knocked seven rounds out of me when i was pregnant with his child,he went to prison for a short time,has never had any access or paid anything towards his daughter (not that i would want him too) ,left him after he beat me up at about 3 months pregnant.

Then when i was 19 i had another daughter to a man i had known from for about 4 years and been in a relationship with since my eldest was about 6 months old. Tragically he died when my second daughter was just 11 weeks old.

With me so far?

I have been with my current partner since i was 22 (almost 10 years) and we have an 18 month old son together after many years off ttc.

So i have 3 kids by 3 different fathers,i am a hard working MHN,my kids are in full knowledge of their individual circumstances however i find myself even on internet forums being evasive and letting people think that my first 2 kids have the same father (obviously long term friends are aware),they happened to share the same first name as well.

How many children from how many dads is it "seen" as reasonable to have in the current climate of muliple marriages etc.

Should i stop thinking that i am seen as complete stop or not?

OP posts:
saintlydamemrsturnip · 13/08/2009 22:26

Use it as a filter. If someone is bothered by it they are not worth knowing.

But tbh I wouldn't bring it up unless someone asked, or it came up anyway; none of their business

famishedass · 13/08/2009 22:34

Look on it this way. You've got 3 different kids by 3 different men. For all we know, you only slept with 3 men in your whole life.

I've had dozens of lovers and had quite a promiscuous single life in London before I got married. I've only ever had children by mmy dh though.

So which one of us is better? or worse? Who can say. What about someone who'se had 3 pregnancies but aborted them all. Is she better or worse than you.

thederkinsdame · 13/08/2009 22:35

I don't think it should worry you. TBH unless you have to tell people (e.g. there weas a medical situation where history was important) then I don't think you need to tell anyone. I am sure there are many situations where children are being brought up by people other than their biological parents, but it shouldn't make any difference. I agree with saintly - if people judge you then they are not worth knowing (they're probably Daily Mail readers )

MyPetSnail · 13/08/2009 22:36

I agree with saintly, it's got nothing at all to do with anyone else. I've yet to meet anyone who lives up to the 'normal' blueprint.

famishedass · 13/08/2009 22:37

What I'm trying to say is you're mistakes are visible ones. Many mistakes remain invisible.

Like when you use food to make youself feel better, it shows. If you smoke or gamble or drink or self-harm to make yourself feel better, it's easier to hide these things.

Things aren't always what they seem. Just coz someone is married with 2 or 3 kids doesn't mean they're the dhs kids - everyone just assumes it.

Silver1 · 13/08/2009 22:37

You are entitled to respect your family's privacy, you have done nothing to be ashamed of but have shown courage and dignity-what others think in their own crass mind is up to them-but share only what you want to with them.

rasputin · 13/08/2009 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummypumpkin · 13/08/2009 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummypumpkin · 13/08/2009 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
skybright · 13/08/2009 22:45

I should have said "stop out" along with my other spelling mistakes

Thanks,you are all right, i expect i have not had as many partners as some,i think it is just the image that i wonder without mabey meeting me (or perhaps when they do )that folk have.

I am asked a fair bit if my kids have the same dad,or more politely if they still see their dad,perhaps because of the massive age gap that i have.

It is noones buisness but i hate the fact that i am embarrassed or am made to feel embarrassed of myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
skybright · 13/08/2009 22:51

Mummypumpkin..i thought about it a lot as well,i wanted another baby more than i cared about what folk thought,plus i had never had the experience of bringing a child up with it's natural father and really wanted to have that shared responsibility and felt it would complete my unit.You sound like you've not had it easy at all.It annoys me though how it still grates on me,would be nice if life was perfect though.

Oh well i have "outed" myself on here anyway so i guess that is a good thing and perhaps views are not as negative as i thought.

Thank you very much for that.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 13/08/2009 22:51

How rude of them! I would just say something like "I was widowed" (true-ish in the circs) and watch them stutter and apologize.

saggyhairyarse · 13/08/2009 22:56

One of my friends was widowed and so has 2 children by 2 different men. If people judge you it says more about them than you. Most people who have 'lived' would realise that there is more to people than the bare facts, life is complicated and if they think they are better than you because of circumstances then sod 'em!

booyhoo · 13/08/2009 23:04

dont let what other peole think hinder you from being who you are. you have nothing to be ashamed of.

people may look at me and think how sweet as ive i met my OH at 17, he was my first love and we have two sons together. but what they dont see is that we split up before ds1 was born, didnt speak for 3 years, had a multitude of partners each during that time and then got back together last summer and fell pregnant again within a week. and you know what, even when people do know all this, i dont care because its how my life has turned out and its made me who i am with two lovely children, regardless of who their dad is or how many partners we've both had.

angelbymoonlight · 13/08/2009 23:08

My experience is slightly different, I have 2DC 11yo & 21months have the same dad (long story) but some people assume because of the age gap they have different dads, have had more than a few disapproving looks. Used to get to me, but now I just ignore them.

mummypumpkin · 13/08/2009 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

superduperminder · 13/08/2009 23:23

Me and my 2 sisters all have different fathers but that is just how things worked out for my mum. She had my older sis at 17, the dad coudln't get away fast enough, met my dad when she was a baby and they were married. (I only found out she wasn't my dad's child when I was 25!) They divorced and she re-married and had my younger sister.

I find it uncomfortable when people go on about women with multiple dad's for their kids as if they are really rough - my mum is a solicitor and worked her butt off and was with my dad 15yrs, and has been with my stepdad 16yrs. Us having different dads didn't make her a slapper and certainly didn't affect our relationships as sisters.

I remember my mil looking really shocked and a bit snooty when she discovered our family history and it really pissed me off tbh!

People don't need to know your business and you certainly shouldn't feel like you have to explain yourself.

katnkittens · 13/08/2009 23:29

I do this too!

I had my first child (DS) at 16 (he still sees his Dad who is lovely but we were too young) I then met someone when I was pregnant with DS and 2 years later we had DD1. We split up a couple of years later and I met my now DH 7 years ago and we have a 5 yo DD.

I dont have a problem with my circumstances. Both ex's are great with all my kids and see their kids regularly. My DD2 actually feels left out as she doesn't have 2 Dads like the other 2 do!

People always assume the oldest 2 are from the same Dad as there are only 2 years between them and depends how I'm feeling but often I dont correct them. If I do I just laugh it off saying I was trying to vary my gene pool.

I know for a fact my kids are happy so don't know why I sometimes feel the need to justify my life to people...

leenasmom · 13/08/2009 23:31

You really should not feel embarassed. i agree with famished and know a mom that has 5 kids with 4 dads and they are the only men she has ever been with( a brill mom just a crap picker of men and very fertile!)

katnkittens · 13/08/2009 23:38

^ sounds a bit like me haha

fortyplus · 13/08/2009 23:43

Oh there will always be people who are judgemental. But to be honest they're probably not the ones you want to be friends with, are they? I always think 'There but for the grace of God' or whatever. My 2 have the same dad and I've been married to him for years. But if I knew someone in your situation I'md most likely be worried that they'd think I was really boring!

fortyplus · 13/08/2009 23:44

In fact I knew someone who had 5 kids by 4 dads... now she's got 7 but the last 3 all have the same dad who is wonderful with all of them!

drlove8 · 14/08/2009 00:06

some of our kids have different parents ...2 sets of 3 have same mum & dad (dh and his ex, me and ex-h) and the last two have both us , so who cares where the kids came from? theyre ours , we love them , so any judgy git can go jump .
i dont get the letting people think the kids are from the same parent thing, most families are sort of jumbled together now so it doesnt matter,

hatesponge · 14/08/2009 00:21

I dont make a point of telling people that my Ex isnt the father of both DSs - sometimes it naturally comes up in conversation, especially if I'm talking about Ex and why I put up with him for as long as I did (because lots of people told me what a great guy he was 'taking me on' as a single mum to DS1). But I don't go all out to tell everyone. DS1 and 2 look very like me, and nothing like their dads, so it's not immediately obvious they have different fathers.

Does it bother me? Not really. I've been judged for loads of stuff in my life, so try not to let what people think worry me!

sunnydelight · 14/08/2009 02:11

Nobody's business but yours. If anyone is negative about it you really don't want them in your life anyway.

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