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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to read DH's emails?

30 replies

GeekIsGood · 29/07/2009 23:52

He set up our individual web email accounts so that it all comes directly to the desktop for ease of use. This means that all emails in and out are all together, like a joint bank account.

So when I open it up all the mails are together and I check through them all and often emails that come to him or me are applicable to general household stuff. Which means I read every email that comes in.

I am now in trouble for reading an email that was to do with a surprise break he's planning for my 30th. He says he looks to see if it came to my address or his and doesn't look at it if it's not his. I say if he's planning something he doesn't want me to know about he should make the effort to use an alternative email address.

He does the same with Facebook - he leaves his page open but if I read it and comment on his friends' idiotic updates I'm being intrusive.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
cheesesarnie · 29/07/2009 23:54

no he is.your right-if he thought you might see it,it was a bit foolish to send it to a joint account.

skybright · 29/07/2009 23:57

I would go seperate again,that would really annoy me to see emails but not be able to open them.

curiositykilled · 29/07/2009 23:58

He is. I agree with your points.

Original poster
GeekIsGood · 30/07/2009 00:03

Glad you think I'm not!

How could anyone not read emails they had free access to... just wondered if I should be exercising the same self restraint he apparently has!

He doesn't complain when I deal with all the household bill emails that come to his address though

OP posts:
hambler · 30/07/2009 00:32

I think YABU.
it is not like a joint bank account.It is like letters being delivered to the same house, but with different names on the envelopes.

I would never read anyone else's email, including dhs, and I teach my kids the same thing.

it's fine if you have an agreement with your spouse that you open each others mail, but he has asked you not to, so I don't even understand why you are asking the question here.

"how could anyone not read emails they have free access to?" There is no need for restraint, it is a matter of respect for another's privacy.

Original poster
GeekIsGood · 30/07/2009 00:40

It's like a joint bank account in that you log in and all the transactions are in a list, it's not immediately obvious which transaction is which.

He hadn't asked me not to read his email, he has said this in response to me saying he should have used an alternative email address to plan a surprise break for me so that I couldn't see it.

He claims to have been ignoring emails to my address all along, whereas I have looked at all the emails in the list.

My point is, is it my responsibility to maintain his privacy when his supposedly private stuff is being paraded in front of me!

OP posts:
zazen · 30/07/2009 00:52

Is your name Pandora by any chance?

Just kidding

How lovely that he is planning a surprise for you - he sounds great. Having said that I like to know about surprises, so that i can pack the right clothes etc.. (you'd think I was whisked off every weekend, alas not..)

I know I open all mail and all emails as well as Dh and I have a business together, but if it says Private on the letter I don't, and emails from unrecognisable addresses I leave and draw his attention to (peering over his shoulder nonchalantly when he eventually gets round to them ).

Original poster
GeekIsGood · 30/07/2009 01:05

I know zazen, surprises are great but they need to be planned for

I guess I just assumed if there was anything he didn't want me to see he would not have it emailed to the desktop, he must be much less sneaky than me. Would teach him how but do need to have the upper hand in sneakiness stakes.

OP posts:
zazen · 30/07/2009 01:33

tee hee hee
I guess you're not called GeekIsGood for nout then?

monkeyfeathers · 30/07/2009 09:30

You can probably set up separate mailboxes within whichever programme you're using. That way'll be able to avoid his emails entirely -- and he can deal with the bills emails himself!

Toffeepopple · 30/07/2009 09:38

I read all DH's emails because he has no access to his personal email at work and likes me to forward anything relevant or urgent.

So, I don't think reading another's email is wrong per se. But if he has asked you not to, then you shouldn't.

He should have a separate account though, I would assume if all the emails came in together that it is quite hard to tell which is which. I usually go next, next, next within the emails as I read them so would easily open the wrong message.

shootfromthehip · 30/07/2009 09:45

IMO YANBU at all- we have a similar set-up where all the emails come to the one address- I read whatever suits me. If my DH ever became romantic enough to plan a surprise for me I would expect him to use one of his other email addresses and not be daft enough to use our joint account. But then that's not likely to happen

He's probably just annoyed with himself for being a muppet!!!

sleeplessinstretford · 30/07/2009 09:49

i can't believe you think it's ok to read someone elses email/post?
I have no reason to read my partners,in the same way i don't read his text messages/check his phone.
It wouldn't enter my head to read my childrens emails let alone another adults.
YABU

mumof2222222222222222boys · 30/07/2009 09:55

We have a similar set up to the OP at home...I don't think YABU. I suspect that if my DH was planning a surprise he might tell me know to open emails from X Company...but then fair chance he'd forget!

Stigaloid · 30/07/2009 10:07

YABU - I can access my husband's emails and look at his phone anytime i want - i don't though as it would be an invasion of privacy. I also get home first and collect the post, but i don't open his up because it is there.

shootfromthehip · 30/07/2009 10:08

Sleepless- I would respect my DH's privacy if it was his email account but it's not. I would never open his work laptop and read his emails on that but if an email comes in to our account and it looks like a junk mail- as an email from a hotel would- I'd either delete it straight away or read it first. It's the OP's account too so why shouldn't she read it?

curiositykilled · 30/07/2009 11:35

sleepless Secretly opening someone's mail, private e-mail or reading their texts is quite different to what the OP did I think.

I think if he set up a joint e-mail inbox and has been fine for a while about his wife using the joint inbox to pay bills it suggests he did it for this reason. I'd say he's mad with himself for ruining his surprise and just making a silly fuss.

I open my husband's post while he's away at work in case it is anything urgent, he opens it while he's here. I wouldn't mind if he opens my post but he's one of those weirdos that doesn't on principle but then I don't work away so am always here when he is and I don't open his mail when he's here.

It also took some shouting and insisting to get him to root in my handbag for nappies because he said he didn't like rooting in a ladies bag. I wouldn't read his phone or secretly log in to his e-mail pretending to be him, I don't see why I'd want to but if you manage the finances and the household, as I do, sometimes you need access to your husband's post/wage slips etc and if said husband is not there it's sensible to have an arrangement like we do and like it sounds the OP has.

I think if you were bothered about privacy then you wouldn't set up something in this way.

Nancy66 · 30/07/2009 11:49

I think it's really weird when couples have joint email accounts sue&[email protected]

curiositykilled · 30/07/2009 11:53

my mum has drfordetc@.........

The whole family has access to it even though it's her main account.

lovechoc · 30/07/2009 11:55

why on earth would you have a joint email account though, what's wrong with doing something seperately??

I can't get past that, sorry.

Why not have seperate email accounts and then you can both check your mail when it suits you both, and that way there will be no surprises ruined?

Do you have a joint FB account too? Not being cheeky, genuine Q.

curiositykilled · 30/07/2009 12:16

lovechoc - you could have more than one e-mail.

A joint one for joint things and separate ones for private things. If you are married or living together sometimes there are just things you need to share, especially if you have divided roles within a family. Divided roles normally mean each of you are responsible for the management of some joint things or some things of the other person's. My husband and I are quite traditional I think. He earns the money, I stay at home with the children and manage the house. This means I pay the bills (he hates dealing with bills and power companies etc) and although his mobile bill/pay slips/the mortgage are in his name sometimes I need to see things to with them because I organise the finances and our joint bank accounts.

curiositykilled · 30/07/2009 12:17

I make myself sound like his PA! LOL

mayorquimby · 30/07/2009 12:25

yabu. if he's able to distinguish between the two addresses and only read his own then why aren't you?
it is intrusive

JRocks · 30/07/2009 12:32

DP has a separate work and email address, I check the work one for him as he would never do it otherwise. He doesn't read my emails and i don't read his, same as i don't open his post or read his text messages.

I don't think you've been particularly nosey, but maybe if he doesn't want you to read 'surprise'emails he should get another account set up?

lovechoc · 30/07/2009 13:53

that sounds like a total faff, but each to their own. I'm traditional too, SAHM and look after the house. DH pays the bills, and goes out to work full-time. He deals with all the bills, not me. Hence, no need for a shared email account.

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