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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think dh went ott

43 replies

two2many · 14/07/2009 17:35

hi , DH came home from work last night & just because i was on the pc m/netting (of course) he sat down in a huff , he was watching a boring old war documentary so i decided to sick with mumsnet , he got up & placed his wedding ring in front of the pc & said " there have a conversation about that"
WTF
i logged off & we ended up having a row & i went to bed ,
i normally only get the pc for about an hour in the mornings or late in the evenings so i feel this was way ott

OP posts:

LePlopperFantome · 14/07/2009 17:43

You both need to sit down and have a chat.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 14/07/2009 17:45

Are you on here more than you realise?

Has he asked you to come off and you haven't wanted too?

Is there something going on with him but he doesn't want to say so causes a row so you split and he can blame you?

You really need to get off here for tonight and talk to him.

Good luck.

Original poster

two2many · 14/07/2009 17:57

fab i really don't know what goes on in his head lately , he says i dont give him enough attention , we are together a life time & have 2 young dc's ,
he is in work atm which is why im on here ,
certainly not spending all my days on pc like he made out , the house is always clean & kids taken & picked up from school & fed & homework done by the time he gets home , so i think he was being VERY U
he suffers from depression but wont go to the doctor about it so his moods swings are a daily occurrence , he was all over me this morning

OP posts:

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 14/07/2009 18:00

Then you need to talk as neither of you can go on like this. Depression is an awful illness and needs treating.

2kidzandi · 14/07/2009 18:01

Errmm, when hubby came in through the door after work how did you greet him? Do you like give him a lot of attention? Because maybe he wants/expects more attention when he comes home.

screamingabdab · 14/07/2009 18:04

Well, I can see both sides. Did you greet him when he came in ?

Clearly he's trying to tell you that he feels he is not getting enough attention from you, regardless of how much work you are doing in the house and with the DCs.

Are you feeling that you get enough attention from him ? I know how hard it is living with someone with depression and holding everything together, and doubly so when he is not acknowledging it. In your position I would feel resentful.

Is this about sex ?

You don't need to tell me the answers to these questions (unless you want to !), but you do need to talk, and listen to him.

Good luck

screamingabdab · 14/07/2009 18:08

X post 2kidzandi !

Original poster

two2many · 14/07/2009 18:17

hi , i was the same as always tbh , i always hear the car pull up so i open the door for him , we give each other a kiss & he walked into sit at the tv , saw i was on pc but said nothing we talked to each other about our day then he switched on a boring documentary so i went back to the pc
a few mins later he put his ring in front of me i suppose he got the reaction he wanted as i logged off pc we had a row & he started shouting so i went to bed in case he woke up the dc's he was wearing his ring when he came to bed a couple of hours later , what is really upsetting me is he kept ORDERING me to go to bed (like a child) b4 he got really mad at me

OP posts:

screamingabdab · 14/07/2009 18:23

two2many Do you manage to spend any time together, just you ? I found , when me and DH were going through a rocky patch, that something as simple as eating together in the kitchen (not in front of the telly) helped a bit.

This meant we started to talk.

Maybe he was ordering you to bed because he wanted to have sex ? - not the way to go about it, admittedly, but maybe something to talk about ?

Sorry if this is all way off the mark

Original poster

two2many · 14/07/2009 18:32

scream trust me his ordering me to bed was not his way of initiating sex ,
nope we never seem to get time alone , i do EVERYTHING for the dc's , dh has very little to do with them tbh ,
i am having a really hard time the last 3 weeks trying to settle our youngest into her own bedroom , on Sunday night i didn't get into my own bed until 5am as she took 1 tantrum after another so the last thing i needed last night was dh having a go at me ,
i seem to spend my life walking on egg shells around him

OP posts:

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 14/07/2009 18:37

SOmething you said flagged up with me actually, that you have a lifetime together and 2 dc's.
Yes you do have a lifetime together but you also need to wrok on and secure your relationship and keep it alive for that llifetime or else you find when the dc's leave home you and your DH are worlds apart having lived alongside each other for so long without actually really doing anything together.

My ex was always very we have forever well in the end we weren't he had negelcted our realationship so much that we seperated. I'm not saying you are doing this but do you ever sit down and do anything as a couple. Like creamingabdab said even sitting down and eating together. DP and I sit down most won't say every but most staurday nights together have something to eat together and a glass of wine chat watch a dvd. We stay away form the computer and other things that distract us and enjoy each others company. Yes there is years before the dc's levae home but that is years to neglect your marriage and drif apart.

screamingabdab · 14/07/2009 18:38

That is very very hard. My dad suffers from depression and walking on eggshells is exactly what my mum has had to do.

Yes, it is an illness, but he needs to start taking responsibility for managing it. Has he had any treatment before ?

SolidGoldBrass · 14/07/2009 18:43

Asis often said on threads like these, his depression is not a Get Out Of Jail Free card allowing him to be unkind to you. 'Walking on eggshells' is a phrase very often used by people who are suffering from domestic abuse.
He is not your boss or your owner, and he certainly isn't entitled to order you to go to bed.
You do ned to sit and have a chat with him. He might feel that the two of you don't spend enough time together, and it is possible that you are on MN too much and he is feeling neglected but how are you feeling? Is he pulling his weight domestically? Does he treat you like a person or does he just expect you to service him. Ask him what 3 things he would like you to do differently and then tell him what 3 things you would like him to do differently and see where the two of you can compromise.

2kidzandi · 14/07/2009 18:43

Sorry you feel. I think screamingabdab made a good suggestion and you need to talk more. Men generally aren't good at requesting talk and together time. You said he was watching a boring old war documentary. Does he like that sort of thing? If so, couldn't you have just snuggled up with him on the sofa and endured the programme possibly even asking him a couple of questions about it? You may find it as boring as the ironing, but if that's what it takes to make your hubby feel that you have an interest in what he likes, isn't the hour or so of effort worth it? If you put more effort into trying to create deeper togetherness, you may get more attention from him too.

Of course i'm assuming a lot here as I don't really know everything about you.

Original poster

two2many · 14/07/2009 18:50

ineedacleanerianalazy , yes but the problem is i am always the 1 that makes the effort to spend time together etc , we don't have any babysitters , but yes at least once a week we order in a takeaway as i am the only 1 who cooks in this house (dh doesn't know how to switch on the cooker & likes it that way ) & we put on a dvd but our youngest is VERY ATTACHED to me & constantly gets out of her room screaming for me & then dh gets annoyed with me & night is ruined
scream he definitely will not get help for his depression , he has been suffering from it for about 8 yrs now i know this sounds awful but i swear it feels like he loves to wallow in it IYKWIM . he drinks every night & says if he takes meds he would have to stop the alcohol & there is NO WAY he would give that up .

OP posts:

screamingabdab · 14/07/2009 18:50

You have every right to be pissed off that he is not helping with the DCs. You sound utterly fed up and exhausted. I those circumstances, it is no wonder you don't feel inclined to leap up and get him his slippers.

You also need to try and get to the bottom of exactly what was getting to him yesterday.

Then, it might be a question of doing a deal. Write a list of all the things you'd like him to do eg put children to bed, go to the GP, and ask him to write a similar list.

I can appreciate that at the moment you are feeling too fed up with him, but this might be one way forward

screamingabdab · 14/07/2009 18:52

X-posted with your last post.

The drinking and the length of time this has been going on is frankly not a good sign

SGB always says these things more forcefully than me, but I think she's got it right

Original poster

two2many · 14/07/2009 19:03

cant talk to him SGB as the minute i open my mouth he thinks i am having a go at him & shouts me down , i have given up at this stage ,
sgb he hardly ever helps around the house ,if i ask him to his answer is always " will you go & do my job for me tomorrow" i am asah mum & he likes me being home with the kids . he is 10yrs older than me & very old fashioned

OP posts:

Original poster

two2many · 14/07/2009 19:14

screaming , did things ever improve for your mam ?

OP posts:

junglist1 · 14/07/2009 19:20

I agree with Solid, who always has great words of wisdom about these things. It's not his buisness what you do in your supposedly free time.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 14/07/2009 19:23

if he won't play fair then stop doing his stuff around the house.

Equal partnership when you are married, surely.

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 14/07/2009 19:36

You've been putting up with this sort of thing for 8 years?!

And he won't get help because he might have to give up drinking? So you just have to pick up the pieces?

Apart from anything else, drinking every day makes you depressed. If he can't give it up for a week or two to see if his moods improve, then he frankly has much bigger problems than what his wife does in her spare time.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 14/07/2009 20:10

Oh god two2many you are describing my relationship with my ex to the letter. I know that my ex was shooting me down when I tried to talk about things because he knew I was right and his way of hving to take responsibility for his own actions was to turn it round and say I was having a go or it was somehow my fault.

He did as SGB said use his depression as a get out of jail free card especially after he had an official diagnosis, he never drunk every night but when he did drink he never knew when enough was enough and would often give up his meds to be able to drink, which (and god i've never told anyone out my family this) led to a violent outburst on christmas eve just last year for which he now has a criminal record for (my fault too according to his dad and for a long time him)

He would do things like huff if I was on the laptop but he would spend night after night doing his own thing barely talking and then would decide one night that he was going to spend time with me..not actually tell me and then start an arguement about me spending the evening on the computer.

Even you h's attitude to the home is the same.
I don't know what to say because nobody can tell you what to do but the temptation is there to tell you to run for the hills.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/07/2009 20:36

Ugh, what a knobber. I suggest that you do a little quiet research on how things would be if you got rid of him: whose name is the house in? What benefits would you be entitled to, etc?
I am not telling you to smother him end the relationship immediately, but it's a very good thing for a woman in a crap relationship to be properly aware of her options, legal and financial, in order to know fact from bullshit. Because this does sound like a crap relationship, with a lazy, selfish, self-obsessed alcoholic, and men like this, if they get a sniff of the idea that their partners might be considering cutting their useless deadweight arses loose, often spout crap like 'I'll get custory of the DC, I'll throw you into the street with nothing, you're mental, I'll have you locked up etc'.

blinder · 15/07/2009 06:58

Agreeing with SGB - sounds like a situation you can't win two2many, no matter how much helping, placating, discussing you do.

'Walking on eggshells' always sounds alarm bells for me. If you are afraid that you are about to step on a mine every time you say something 'wrong / constructive / critical / assertive' then you are probably being manipulated by tantrums. In a healthy relationship (even with someone who has depression) it is possible to discuss situations fairly and equally, to criticise the other person if need be, to be fairly criticised without intimidation / threats / blackmail and to negotiate some agreement.

Have you considered whether this relationship is meeting any of your basic human needs (safety, companionship, fun!)?

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