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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think dh went ott

43 replies

two2many · 14/07/2009 17:35

hi , DH came home from work last night & just because i was on the pc m/netting (of course) he sat down in a huff , he was watching a boring old war documentary so i decided to sick with mumsnet , he got up & placed his wedding ring in front of the pc & said " there have a conversation about that"
WTF
i logged off & we ended up having a row & i went to bed ,
i normally only get the pc for about an hour in the mornings or late in the evenings so i feel this was way ott

OP posts:

screamingabdab · 15/07/2009 08:39

Hi, two2many, I had no time to reply yesterday

It's a different situation with my dad. His depression first came on about 15 years ago after a bereavement (I was out of the family home by then then). Very bad, hospitalised for a while, very "flat". Got better, then came back about 3 years ago after another bereavement. Now more characterised by anxiety, and when anxious lashes out verbally towards my mum. To some extent aware of what he's doing, and mum is becoming more assertive, so he does apologise, at least

BUT

I honestly don't know how she tolerates it. All the way along my dad has done wonders in terms of seeking help - medication, psychologist, though, so all credit to him for that (I have suffered from depression myself, so I know to some extent what it feels like).

I just don't know if I could cope with the eggshells thing as you are, with the children too.

Sorry I don't have more advice re: your situation x

screamingabdab · 15/07/2009 09:09

Great post blinder

Original poster

two2many · 15/07/2009 11:21

i feel terribly guilty today bitching about him because we had a lovely night last night , for once he even offered to make the tea , we ended up doing it together & then watched a DVD , i reckon he felt guilty about starting the row the night before ,
the thing that is getting to me most is i never know what mood he is going to be in when he gets home from work , he has a stressful job , & i understand that he needs to chill out when he gets home therefore i don't ask him to help much around the house or with the kids ,
ineedaclearneriamalazy, god your ex sounds very like my dh , my dh always turns things around & makes everything out to be my fault.

OP posts:

screamingabdab · 15/07/2009 11:27

Do not feel guilty. Maybe it's not as bad as all that.

If so, good, but I still think you need to negotiate a few things.

My DH also needs a few minutes to chill out when he gets home. Fine. What about the weekends?

Maybe you should go out for a few hours every weekend and let him look after the DCs.

Oh, and you have a stressful job too !!!!

screamingabdab · 15/07/2009 11:36

Sorry, just re-read the whole thread after writing my last post.

So you had a good evening. The real test is not whether he is able to buck his ideas up for one evening, but whether you two are able to bring about some lasting changes through discussion and negotiation.

Do you think you will be able to raise it with him again now that there is better feeling between you today?

If so, I hope that he does not react in the way you describe in your previous posts (throwing it all back onto you)

Snorbs · 15/07/2009 11:38

How much is he drinking every night?

Original poster

two2many · 15/07/2009 11:48

thanks screamingabdab, he works six days a week & on his days off he mostly only wants to relax in front of the tv ,
snorbs he drinks 3-5 cans every night , sometimes more on his days off & when he is drinking i cant talk to him ,
sometimes he would crack a really old stupid joke (that i have heard a hundred times) but if i don't laugh at it all of a sudden im a dry shite etc & then he will sit in a huff all night ,
i guess im just feb up having to keep the peace . its like having another child in the house .

OP posts:

screamingabdab · 15/07/2009 12:00

How old are your children, and what kind of relationship does he have with them ?

Sorry to have to ask this, but has he ever hit, pushed, or threatened you ?

Original poster

two2many · 15/07/2009 12:31

scream , no never any physical abuse , he knows if he ever laid a finger on me i would throw him out & never let him near me & dc's again , scream i know people that are m/netters too & therefore i don't want to reveal too much info in case i get recognised , 1 friend asked me recently what my talkname was so have to be careful .

OP posts:

screamingabdab · 15/07/2009 12:43

Original poster

two2many · 15/07/2009 13:00

thanks scream , I've read over all the posts & i guess i have to try change our situation or leave ,
he has been talking lately of us both taking up a healthier lifestyle so i am going to put in a big effort with that & hopefully he will stick to it , time will tell i suppose , thanks for all your replies i have never spoken to any1 about our problems before , i suppose i just needed to know that IANBU .

OP posts:

blinder · 15/07/2009 15:36

YANBU at all. I hope that you are able to have the partnership you want, whichever route you eventually take .

Original poster

two2many · 15/07/2009 15:59

thanks blinder , every1 has been so supportive , i think i have to start making the changes now as i have let him away with this carry on for far tooooo long ,
who knows i might even ORDER him to bed some night & shock him ha

OP posts:

blinder · 15/07/2009 16:06

Thats lovely two2.

I'll take the liberty of recommending a book by Anne Dickson called A Woman In Your Own Right. It's a great assertiveness book that will show you how not to be manipulated and how to avoid rows while still getting an equal say. It's a best-seller and on the NHS prescription list too. Highly recommended.

Sometimes (not always) when you stop playing their game, they step up and relate to you properly. It usually takes a bit of practise but he will soon find it very difficult to pull your strings once you have total control of them yourself.

Good luck !

Original poster

two2many · 15/07/2009 16:25

thanks blinder , i will definitely try get that book , i am not a confident person & would love to be more assertive ,
yep i agree the more crap you take the more they dish out sometimes , dh is always telling me to be more assertive ha lets hope he remembers that when i put it into practice

OP posts:

screamingabdab · 15/07/2009 17:16

I remember that book blinder. It is a real eye-opener

blinder · 15/07/2009 21:26

Yeah a real page-turner / life-changer for some.

Lol two2many - he should adjust very easily then !

Snorbs · 16/07/2009 00:23

So if he's drinking an average of 4 cans a night, that's 60-70 units of alcohol a week, quite possibly more depending on the strength of the lager and the size of the cans. That's quite a lot of booze.

The fact that he seems content to stick with his depression rather than knocking the drinking on the head for a while sets of some rather loud alarm bells for me. Mood swings, irritability, inconsistent reactions and general arsiness can all be symptoms of depression but they're equally all symptoms of an alcohol problem. Of course, refusing to even consider stopping drinking even if there are clear benefits to doing so is a pretty big sign of a drink problem too.

Moreover, as alcohol is a depressant in its own right then all the booze will at least be making his depression worse and quite possibly could be the main cause of it.

I wish you luck.

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