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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To spread a rumour that my sons bully is a bed wetter? Or equally horrible?

47 replies

QS · 27/05/2009 10:53

I know I am not going to do that.

But what can I do? My son is just 7 and bullied daily by a group of boys in his year group, and the school seem to be unable to deal with it. Neither is my son.

I just want to go over to the head boy and whisper menancingly "Listen up you little shit, you as much as TOUCH my son, and I will make sure the entire school knows you wet your bed" (I dont know whether he wets his bed or not)

(Sorry to parents of bedwetting children)

But I really am at the end of my tether. Daily my son is pushed up against the wall face first, pinched, punched, thrown rocks at, chased, and teased by this boy and his mates.

OP posts:
nametaken · 27/05/2009 10:57

Um

Have you spoken to the parents of the children. Sorry, but they wouldn't be doing this to my kid daily, they'd do it once and then I'd have a word with the parents.

corblimeymadam · 27/05/2009 10:57

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nametaken · 27/05/2009 10:58

You're joking really, about spreading bed-wetting rumours aren't you?

justaboutspringtime · 27/05/2009 10:58

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corblimeymadam · 27/05/2009 11:00

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singalongamumum · 27/05/2009 11:00

So top hear that this is happening to your DS.

I agree the school HAS to deal with it. Who have you spoken to at the school? Have you tried asking to see the Head? If that hasn't worked yet, do it again and say you'll take it further if they are unable to prevent the problem recurring.

You could try speaking to the parents, though this can sometimes go very wrong and make things worse- it depend what kind of parents they are IYSWIM. School def best option first.

mrsmaidamess · 27/05/2009 11:01

What about talking to the governors about it?

purpleduck · 27/05/2009 11:01

How old is he?
Can you help out in school the odd time and keep an eye?
I would say something to the children (NOT the bedwetting thing though ) AND say something to the parents too.

Why won't the school do anything? I assume you have had meetings with them?

Original poster
QS · 27/05/2009 11:02

Speaking to the parents might be an idea.

I have a meeting with the school today about it, I have their bullying policy in front of me, and I will DEMAND that they carry out some of the repercussion they state are available as punishments.

So far, I dont think they have even MENTIONED this to the parents of the kids in question.

No, I would not really spread such a rumour, but similar thing worked really well when my father was bullied. Apparently my grandfather walked up to the kid in question and said "You touch my son again, and I will personally enjoy breaking every single finger on your hand". But that was back in the 1930s....

OP posts:
purpleduck · 27/05/2009 11:02

Sorry just read he is 7. Poor little guy

Original poster
QS · 27/05/2009 11:05

I have had meetings with the teacher, but so far nothing is different. He has had a range of issues with fitting in (it is not the language, he is fluent now). I think a sheltered London life, and experience with a very strict RC primary, have not prepared him for the roughness of the kids here. He gets very upset, and cries, or punches them back, and then he gets into trouble. No parents are allowed during school hours, no helpers required. No governours. Different system here.

OP posts:
alicecrail · 27/05/2009 11:06

I would agree that i would be tempted too QS Instead you will have to take it out on the school, it is shocking that nothing has been done. Good luck with it all

Heated · 27/05/2009 11:06

How horrible. I can understand the instinct to protect your son - the primitive part of me would want to do the same.

What have your ds' class teacher and head said/done? I mean if you and dh made an official meeting with the head how seriously would they take it? Do they have anti-bullying policies?

mrsmaidamess · 27/05/2009 11:07

Have you written to them? (the school)

We have had a child being bullied in our school and the dad has written very calm measured letters and emails detailing the claims from his daughter and asking what the school intends to do.

Somehow having it on paper made them take it more seriously I think.

Heated · 27/05/2009 11:08

Sorry, x posted.

Do you have the option of a different school? I know this is not necessarily addressing the problem, just establishing really.

Original poster
QS · 27/05/2009 11:08

They have anti bullying policies. They are a zero tolerance school.

My son is "singing" (rapping) a song about a nice forest where all the animals are friendly and nice to eachother.

I suspect that is the schools way of handling it. Teaching rap songs about animals being fuzzy and furry and friendly.

OP posts:
izyboy · 27/05/2009 11:09

How does your son react QS? I may be wrong, but were you seeing a sudden change in his behaviour a few weeks ago and yet he said he was happy at school? Have you discovered this recently? Please let me know if I have got the wrong person. I am simply wondering because if it is the same child, it certainly explains why he was so disruptive.

Heated · 27/05/2009 11:09

Have you and dh seen the head for a formal, documented meeting?

izyboy · 27/05/2009 11:12

He'd damaged a car if I remember correctly

Original poster
QS · 27/05/2009 11:12

I emailed the head last week when my son was chased up a tree, and the boy kept shaking at it so he should fall down, and failing that started throwing stones on my son. When he had his mates got fed up, they wondered off, and my son ran to hide, but they spotted him and shouted "attack" and 3 children jumped him throwing rocks. My son grabbed a stone, and threw it at random, it hit a car.

Thereafter, the teacher in the after school club (it happened during breaktime in the after school club) proceeded to interview all the kids in question, giving them all a chance to defend themselvs and point the blame at my son. They believed the other children who just said they were helping my son down from the tree and he just went berserk and threw rocks.

It has escalated from that. Now my son has been asked to tell a grown up each time they are horrible to him, with the result that they are taking revenge and have stepped up the violence.

OP posts:
Doodle2U · 27/05/2009 11:24

QS, I so understand the thought process of both you and the bed-wetting thing and your Grandad. I've had similar thoughts myself on different occasions. My son has just turned 8 and we've been through the mill with this issue too.

As we both know, it's not the way to deal with it but speaking to the parents certainly is. It's really hard though. I was quaking (and I'm pretty confident normally) but it did help.

I'll get flamed for this, but in the end, we did teach our son to punch back - he must never, ever start anything BUT neither must he ever let anyone hurt him.

One day, he snapped and he did punch the ring leader back. He also sat on him apparently. The ring-leader cried and ran to tell a teacher. I asked DS if he got in trouble and he said yes, he did (he hates being in trouble and this did upset him) but I told him he wouldn't be getting in extra trouble from me. The school have to tell him off but I wouldn't be doing so as well.

It happened two more times and now they seem to give DS a wide berth. It's all been quiet on the Western Front for a few months now.

So, shoot me but telling the teacher every time summat happens produces either no help/result or such a minor, fluffy bollocking for the bully (like being kept in at lunch time - well fook-a-doodle-doo) that the bullies don't worry about being caught!

Heated · 27/05/2009 11:27

Jmo - and sorry if you already have - but you and dh make an formal appointment to see the head so he/she has the full picture and for them to put in place much more vigorous anti-bullying strategies. Your ds needs to know exactly what he should if... and where to go if... and who to tell if... They also need the names of the main bullies so that they can catch the buggers in the act monitor the situation. Take pen and paper, record everything so they can see how serious it is that is agreed and a dates (plural) for review. They need to guarantee the safety and well being of your child.

Heated · 27/05/2009 11:30

Sorry, didn't mean to sound so bossy, it's just something I get passionate about.

And I sort of agree with Doodle2U. Would your ds like karate or judo as a hobby? Not to throw the bullies around (well maybe!) but to give him an aura of quiet confidence.

BCNS · 27/05/2009 11:31

Hi QS .. right I'm no expert.. but have been through the bullying thing with DS2.

firstly keep a diary of what, who and when etc.. this will help you keep track, as it's very easy to miss things out.. so have a diary.

steps go along the lines of speaking to class teacher, then the head, write letters as needed.
Ask for a copy of the anti bullying policy, and the greivence procedure...
ask in writing for a meeting with the head teacher, as it's been going on a while.
take your diary with you, and ask what they are doing to improve the situation, ask for a plan of action in writing.
If it continues and your not happy, write to the clerk of governors.

this link is very good.. and has steps to take and template letters..link

It can be a really long road.. and I never want anyone ending up in the situation that ds2 and I have been put in because of bullying.. if I can help anymore.. just shout... remember don't give up, and keep on top of it with the school if they are not dealing with it.

Uriel · 27/05/2009 12:00

QS - can you ask that every break and every lunchtime a teacher can observe the kids' behaviour towards your son, say for a week?
Without the kids knowing, I mean.

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