To spread a rumour that my sons bully is a bed wetter? Or equally horrible?

[QS]

I know I am not going to do that.

But what can I do? My son is just 7 and bullied daily by a group of boys in his year group, and the school seem to be unable to deal with it. Neither is my son.

I just want to go over to the head boy and whisper menancingly "Listen up you little shit, you as much as TOUCH my son, and I will make sure the entire school knows you wet your bed" (I dont know whether he wets his bed or not)

(Sorry to parents of bedwetting children)

But I really am at the end of my tether. Daily my son is pushed up against the wall face first, pinched, punched, thrown rocks at, chased, and teased by this boy and his mates.

Knowledge is power in these situations, I find.

You need to quote Every Child Matters (2005) ECM, Safe to Learn (2007) info here and their own anti-bullying policy (usually downloadable from school site).

Give them a set timeframe (2 weeks or so) to put into place the punishments they have set out in the ABP and notify them in writing that if they don't sort this out by following their own agreed format, you will be informing the governors and Ofsted and the local education authority because it is a LEGAL requirement for them to follow and stop bullying.

I really hope they listen - put it all in writing, keep copies and give timeframes. That way, you know that in 10 days, if they haven't done anything where you need to go. The LEA and Ofsted should be very supportive if you need them.

Telling a grown-up has it's place, but what does the grown-up DO to the perpertrators? If they don't discipline them, they need to - it is a legal requirement of a school to keep your child safe and if he is being attacked with stones.... they are failing him.

I don't think QS is in England.

i have a very un-pc policy. this stems from being bullied my whole school life.

we moved onto a council estate through unfortunate circumstances when the children were little. my policy was always - hit them back. hit them back hard.

i would also have no bones about walking up to the parents of the children in the school yard and telling them to sort their kid out - if it came to it.

i always told my kids that as long as they weren't the bullies, there would be no negative sanctions from me at home.

its very un pc and lentil weavery where everyone thinks these things are adequatley handled by the school - becuas they aren't

and my kids were never going to suffer the childhood, humiliation, lack of confidence, daily baiting, name calling, spitting.

i actively tell mine to wait until there is one on their own.

anyone is hard in a group of three.

wait until they are on their own and then hit them hard.

it will only take one.

the others won't ever mess with you again.

kids like predictability you see - there is the weak kid - we can bully him

not - there is that strange kid - he;s a bit unpredictable, i don't want a black eye.

or listen to the rest of mumsnet be all furry about it.

my kids aen't bullies, they aren't the popular kids, but they aren't the weird kids either.

they have been in a couple of fights - but mine fight back - so they are generally left alone.

in fact one memorable occasion - the twins were about 6 or 7 - and there were three kids waiting for ds after school.

they started on him all three - then dd came round the corner and jumped on one of the lads back defending her twin bro.

there is also the my dad will beat your dad up philosphy

and also the - you have no idea who i know or where i come from. policy

the latter has worked occasionally for mine as teenagers in a - don't fuck with me - peacock situation. becuase we come from a hard northern town - they have no idea that actually my kids are soft as shite - its all about the bravado - and just get one of them on their own ONCE - guarentee it will stop.

right then. thats my real life - i'll leave you to anti bullyin policies, meeting with teachers, parents and headmasters - and the 'strategic' stuff thats more fluffy and acceptable. as you were

I like your style, Custy and Doodle....

It was BETTER when my son would hit back in fury, trying to handle it himslef, than now when he has been instructed to go to a grown up and tell on the bullies.

You are right. TELLING achieves nothing, as the bullies dont care that they are just given a warning. A warning means nothing, when there are no further sanctions.

I am thinking we ARE alone in this. The school WILL do nothing.

Well I think that the school needs to be made aware that your son WILL protect himself if he needs to and they will have to deal with the fall out. You will stand by your son because he is being viciously bullied.

Ditto if I was jumped I would try to escape but also defend myself. I am a 'lentil weaver' by nature but also can see the logic of defending yourself within reason. I still think enrolling him in self defence classes could also help, he could learn to defend himself well and in a controlled way.

He plays football, and has been going to tae kwon do.

He is of slight build, but fit and active. He also loves skiing and cycling.

I dont know if it makes a difference that he is very well liked with the girls. Recently, the head boys twin sister has professed that she is "in love with " my son and wants to be his girlfriend.

What custardo said.

And there is no way you can consider spreading those rumours - that makes you no better than the bully! He's only 7.

My daughter has been picked on by one girl for 3 years - she has said vile things to her, about her dad leaving because she's ugly, and that she need plastic surgery.. load of old shit.

I know that this girls mum ran off with another man and left her with her dad - if I told people that, or intimated to her that I would tell people, that would make me no better than an 11 year old. I can understand you wanting to protect your dc - but don't stoop to their level, it does no good.

Although it goes against my usual principles on all this, I think learning a few defence moves including using his voice in a very scary contolled way may also help. Definitely the school need to come up with some much better alternative incentives.

I have to agree with Custy. My son was bullied in Y3 by a popular boy who somehow managed to turn all the other children against him. We told him to turn the other cheek, tell the school, etc, etc.

Well, one day he'd had enough and just punched the bully very hard in the solar plexus. In fact, he tells me that he thought he'd killed him.

From that day to this, absolutely no trouble with bullying. So my philosophy also is, don't ever start, but make sure you finish it and make sure you hit back, HARD.

I also have to say that it seems to me that now my son is in Y9 he tells me he can't ever let his guard down and can never let anything go. ALWAYS fight back, in words or deeds, but never ever be the instigator.

Schools may talk the talk about bullying, but they don't walk the walk as they will get in trouble for being nasty to the bully.

In answer to the OP - fully understand why you would want to spread the rumour. It is the lack of response from the school which makes you feel like it.

I have been there too, and thought of equal amount of shite to spread about the my ds's bully. I remember my DH saying that DS was to hit him so fucking hard back, that he does leave a mark, as well as threatening the headmaster that he would punch him at the school gate every morning just to let him know what it feels like. Luckily the latter never happened, but the former did and he was left in peace for a while.

In my mind I have played over and over what I would do if I ever got my hands on them.

It was DH who threatened to punch the head every morning, not DS..

A friend's 12yo DS was being bullied by a group. One day, he saw the ringleader on his own, went up to him, and punched him on the bridge of the nose very hard. The bully cried like the cowardly baby that he was. He and his fellow miscreants never bullied my friend's son again.

Totally agree with what Custy said. Namby pamby weasel words are meaningless to bullies. They only respond to action and once they realise that you can fight back, they leave you alone because bullies are cowards.

Completely agree with custardo

My policy is never start a fight but make sure you finish it!

My dc are never afraid to stand up for themselves.

We as their parents fully support them and believe their versions of events. It's about trusting the childs judgements and instincts, not telling them what to do after the event.

My parents took this tack with me and my siblings....

We were never bullied!!!

QS if the school are being ineffectual in supporting your son and not doing what their anti-bulying policies says they will do, can you take the matter to either the local council or your local MP? You need to make a lot of noise about this for them to get their fingers out.
Totally understand the desire to want to scare the bullies yourself, and I'll come with you and give him a thick ear too!!

Who here didn't secretly cheer when Rebecca Demornay twisted that bully's arm up his back in the Hand that Rocks the Cradle? I did.

I know you wouldn't really do it and don't have any advice to give but I hope you can get it sorted out.

Yes, we're rooting for your boy QS!!

Thanks guys, I have been to the meeting, and to Church as ds2 was singing there with preschol, I have to cook dinner!

lambethlil, got it. Will get in touch.

How's it going QS?

QS, am curious having had this happen to DS1 for 5 years now, how are things going for you?