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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my sons christmas present back .

35 replies

ComeWhineWithMe · 21/12/2008 14:16

He is 11 and football mad so I bought him a football top for his local team ,he knew he had it because he had to try it on .
However his behaviour is very bad atm he is rude ,aggresive to his sisters and swore at his dad last night .

So I have told him the shirt is going back his answer was "I'm not bothered" although he does now look quite sorry for himself and I have found myself having a wobble about if I should actually do it .

This isn't his only gift he has about 5 others from us and gifts from family.

This is not a one off since starting Y6 he is very rude and cheeky .

OP posts:
sleepyeyes · 21/12/2008 14:19

I would take it back, it will be a leason that his behavour wont be tolorated. Especially if he isn't 'bothered'

bollockbrainASSofBETHLEHEM · 21/12/2008 14:19

Maybe see how he goes over the next few days. If behaviour still bad, then give it to him after christmas.

But, i think the cheeky behaviour from year 6 is paobably quite normal, testing of the waters to see what he can get away with.

I would not take the shirt back but keep it for when his behaviour improves.

TheFalconInThePearTree · 21/12/2008 14:20

I wouldn't do it. His behaviour isn't acceptable but that's too harsh, particuarly if he has to watch his sisters' opening their gifts.

And I'm sure he does care if his gift goes back, he just doesn't want to show it.

Original poster
ComeWhineWithMe · 21/12/2008 14:22

But he will have other gifts to open including tickets to a football match and some wii games .

I just feel he has gone too far this time especially with the hitting his sisters .

OP posts:
tiktok · 21/12/2008 14:24

OK - I think you are BU, to be honest.

That's not to condone bad behaviour at all, but to suggest this (cancelling an Xmas gift that was really important to him, no matter what he says) is an over-reaction, IMO. You can show your opinions of his behaviour in other ways - maybe by giving him chores to do if he is rude or some other sanction.

In this circumstance, maybe you can tell him you have thought a lot about it, and you have decided that he can have his top, but only because it's Xmas, and you don't want to disappoint him at this time of year. But if he swears/hits etc again, he will have to show he's sorry and (then you say what will happen).

When he's behaving well, try to notice it, too

WorzselMincepieYummage · 21/12/2008 14:24

If you feel he's gone to far this time then i think it'd be perfectly reasonable of you not to give him something he really wants.

I'm sure he'll think before hge does it again

overweightnoverdrawn · 21/12/2008 14:25

the kids are all pains in the bum at the moment its christmas . Give him a a bit of a get out claus . Maybe ask him how he thinks he could earn it back . Any other time of the year I would say send it back but not christmas .

MillyR · 21/12/2008 14:25

I would not take it back, because I think Christmas shouldn't be bartered over, but I do think you are reasonable to deal with the behaviour. Can you think of another sanction? Maybe you can even go back to a reward system/ star chart type thing if it happens a lot. I don't think year 6 is too old for that kind of thing.

aam · 21/12/2008 14:26

It's really difficult but you are going to have to carry out the threat.

As a loving mother it's obviously hard to be harsh but he has overstepped your boundaries.

Luckily he has other nice gifts and you could always keep it for when he improves.

ChristmasDisco · 21/12/2008 14:26

Thing is you've already told him its going back.......

Original poster
ComeWhineWithMe · 21/12/2008 14:27

I always praise good behaviour .

I still think he has gone too far but can understand why it seems a bu ,he is just so stubborn he got into trouble last night for hitting then after been down an hour hit his sister again .

OP posts:
ChristmasDisco · 21/12/2008 14:34

I agree with aam. You have to carry out the threat, he needs to know you mean business. He could always buy his shirt with any money he gets. If you take it back don't mention it on Christmas Day unless he does. You could always offer to get it for him if his behaviour improves and set some target for him to work towards.

juuule · 21/12/2008 14:42

Couldn't you keep the top and tell him that whether he actually receives it or not is dependant on his behaviour between now and Christmas Day?

juuule · 21/12/2008 14:44

And the issue of hitting his sisters needs addressing regardless of the top. What will happen after Christmas? If you took the top back would it make any difference as to whether he stopped hitting his sisters?
Why is he hitting them?

lilolilbethlehem · 21/12/2008 14:44

At 11, 4 days till Christmas is long enough to get him to change his attitude and earn the shirt IMO. If he doesn't, then either take it back or keep it and set him some targets throughout Jan to help him modify his behaviour. Well done for even thinking about challenging him, but 11 is a really difficult age so give him the opportunity to earn it back. But be strong if he doesn't.
Let us know how you get on. Lilo xxx

Dominique07 · 21/12/2008 14:47

Always carry out your threats! But maybe next time, try to give a softer threat - as in, IF you don't apologise, then i'll Have to take pressies back.
Give him a choice.
But you've said it so take it back and explain that you love him but you were very disappointed that he behaved badly this time.

juuule · 21/12/2008 14:50

I disagree, you don't always have to carry out your threat. Especially if it was said in the heat of the moment.

gagamama · 21/12/2008 14:54

I would take it back, personally. Especially as he's said he's 'not bothered' - it will be a lesson in gratitude as well as behaviour.

If you feel bad about him having less presents, then maybe buy him something else instead. He won't know that you bought it after you took the shirt back. Maybe get him the shorts? Then he can save for the shirt himself.

juuule · 21/12/2008 14:56

If he's anything like my children the 'not bothered' is to save face. It's not that he's not bothered.
Give him a chance to redeem himself.

DBXmum · 21/12/2008 14:56

I would take it back. You're not giving him nothing for Christmas so I think you have to follow through. Punishments should hurt otherwise what's the point. He has to know that you're serious about his behaviour being unreasonable.

hairymcclary · 21/12/2008 15:00

I always stick to the punishment ive said im going to give. Otherwise, it leaves you open for them to take advantage over and over again.
Mum doesnt ever do what she says anyway - sort of thing.

Dominique07 · 21/12/2008 15:04

And if he is hitting, maybe the kids need a specific time to 'raise concerns' maybe before starting to eat dinner.
Then they can get their squabbles ruled over by you, they can bring their problems to you.
You could explain if they are hitting and swearing then they need to sit down and talk through their problems.
I've been doing work experience in a class of 9 yr olds and they raise 'thanks,' 'apologies' and 'concerns' after lunch break.
The children understand the format and come up with some creative ideas, some not so creative, and if they are feeling up to it they raise concerns so the teacher can discuss the problem with them, i.e. feeling left out of games.

SantaKLAWs · 21/12/2008 15:05

I'd suggest hiding it somewhere really well, tell him that you HAVE taken it back and that IF his behaviour improves you will get it for him again.

But how fast is he growing? will he have grown out of it by the time he gets his act together? in which case you'd be best to take it back and get a refund so that you have the money to buy him the next size once he has earned it.

As you have told him it's going back you have to be seen to follow it up. You will be amazed at the difference in him once he sees you mean it.

SleighGirl · 21/12/2008 15:07

Sadly I think you need to carry through. Although perhaps you could talk to him and come up with an "improved behaviour" chart thingy to earn it in the new year/Jan/Feb time?

SantaKLAWs · 21/12/2008 15:16

Oh, and I have also found that negotiating a punishment works well for my ds. (not saying it would work for everyone and this has been used since ds was at least 13)

I state that he is grounded after a particular mishap and he is mortified as he had 'plans' with his mates, he wants to give up other privileges, so I suggest a reduced period of grounding plus some of the privileges he volunteered to give up. That way he saw I wasn't to be messed with but that I was still reasonable. The difference in him was awesome and I didn't have to chase him up to make sure he wasn't abusing the 'contract'. He was very careful to not use any of his privileges until the time was up.