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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take my sons christmas present back .

35 replies

ComeWhineWithMe · 21/12/2008 14:16

He is 11 and football mad so I bought him a football top for his local team ,he knew he had it because he had to try it on .
However his behaviour is very bad atm he is rude ,aggresive to his sisters and swore at his dad last night .

So I have told him the shirt is going back his answer was "I'm not bothered" although he does now look quite sorry for himself and I have found myself having a wobble about if I should actually do it .

This isn't his only gift he has about 5 others from us and gifts from family.

This is not a one off since starting Y6 he is very rude and cheeky .

OP posts:

sasamax · 21/12/2008 15:18

I agree that he should earn it back with good behaviour

DandyLioness · 21/12/2008 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

skrimbo · 21/12/2008 15:47

TBH I wouldn't have threatened that in the fist place, I wouldn't not give gifts because of this, perhaps remove toys/ time on computer just now, but to hold back a present he is not doesn't even have doesn't seem right.

He does need to learn consequencies but they need to be more immediate and instant.

Never ever ever issue threats that you can't or won't carry out.

I think you may have to go through with this now but why not tell him you have considered his behaviour and feel that some time out from his games console (or something) is more appropriate. He could be an angel on Christmas morning and you will feel terrible not giving the present.

Shitemum · 21/12/2008 15:51

You've already told him it's going back so you have to follow up.
You can tell him you'll buy it for him in a couple of months if his behaviour improves.

poetmum · 21/12/2008 16:05

I agree with following through and taking it back. I know it will feel so terrible for you to do it, but, it is important for him to know that you when you say something it happens. (And not just bad things - good things as well.)

Eleven is such a turning point. If this is what you are seeing now, what will he get up to at 13? 16? This is not even the beginning of the teen years. You are in for a whole lot more. So, nip it in the bud now.

CuddlyUnderTheMistletoe · 21/12/2008 17:14

It sounds like he is already pushing boundaries and trying to assert himself over the rest of you, if you don't back up your threats with actions you risk giving him the wrong signals.

I would tell him it was being taken back but secretly keep it until he does or says something praiseworthy and produce the shirt then.

Original poster

ComeWhineWithMe · 21/12/2008 17:33

He has only just got the console back after 2 weeks for some bad behaviour .

He has been grounded ,stopped from going to a sleepover .

We have sat down and talked about his attitude , and tried to discover if anything was bothering him.

TBH he is the only boy in our house and gets too much special treatment from grandparents and aunts they make a big issue out of him been the poor only boy and now he thinks he is a big fish in a little pond ,he constantly pulls his sisters down (they are no angels but he verges on bullying with them and I will not have him growing up thinking this is normal) .

He does try to assert himself over his Dad and me and TBH the taking the top away was the very last resort I gave him two warnings that if it continued he would have it taken away and his answer was to carry on been aggresive and calling his Dad a bastard.

There are no problems at school and he has plenty of friends and he can be such a lovely boy especially to his little sister ...... but when he is in a mood its a nightmare for everyone in the house and I will not put up with it,I didn't raise a brat .

I think I will take it back and let him earn it back.

OP posts:

SleighGirl · 21/12/2008 17:55

sounds like a "fun" situation!!!

Can you have a word with the relatives, are they aware that his behaviour can be so attrocious at home?

If he had 2 warnings I think I would just take it back. Does he get pocket money? Perhaps he should just save up himself and buy one?

MrsArchieTheInventor · 21/12/2008 18:15

How about talking to him in his bedroom, somewhere calm and quiet and away from your other children, and telling him just how much his behaviour is upsetting you and how you feel when he acts like that along with asking him why he's behaving so badly. There might be an underlying reason that could be rectified easily, such as fear of moving to big school. It might also help if you and your DH come up with a set of consequences if his behaviour continues, and stick to them.

It might seem mean but when I was little I remember being told that santa only came to good boys and girls, and if he carries on being so abusive then he's not going to get to play with his Christmas presents and the football tickets will be given to someone else or just wasted. If he already has electric equipment in his bedroom (tv, dvd player, computer etc) then cut the plugs off so as he can't use them and say that he can only have the plugs back on if he proves that he's capable of acting like a part of the family.

skrimbo · 21/12/2008 22:38

I think the big fish in a small pond, may sum it up. He is trying to be the big man and doing it all the wrong way. It is very difficult, perhaps giving him more responsibility and showing that you recognising he is a big boy now, I don't mean spoiling him but finding ways to let him be a bit more grown up and trying to get him onside. Little sisters are horrible, perhaps he needs to find his protective side for them, don't know how you can do that but if he realises he has to look out for them and work as a team that would maybe change his attitude, but that is a difficult thing to achieve.

If you can find a way to bring it homw to him that if he wants to be treated more like a grown up he has to act it.

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