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AIBU?

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Original poster

Feeling even more guilty since ds's report

33 replies

goodomen · 22/07/2008 12:53

I received my ds's report last week. It is glowing, however it says
' since Mum's maternity leave ds had been more confident and happier'.

I feel terrible now.
I went on maternity leave in January this year and am due to go back to work in November - only part time.

Now i feel that if my working has affected ds so much that his teacher felt the need to comment on it, maybe I should not go back at all.

Or am I overreacting? I am quite sleep deprived with my baby dd so sometimes wonder if I have lost perspective.

I would appreciate any thoughts and opinions.

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 22/07/2008 12:58

Could you ask them to elaborate, it may be more that DS feels all grown up as the big brother and that it is showing?

If he is at school anyway has you being home had that much of a difference to his life?

GivePeasAChance · 22/07/2008 12:58

I am shocked the teacher has mentioned anything at all to do with your private life on a report. WTF?

How does said teacher have any proof that there is a direct link between behaviour and your maternity leave??

I would be F'ing furious with this teacher commenting on my private life. If you have to/want to work - it is none of their business.

FabioThatFirggingCat · 22/07/2008 12:58

VERY wrong to link his perceived happiness and confidence to your maternity leave. Not that he isn't happy and confident, just that it's the teach's opinion, isn't it? Stupid thing to write though. Sounds very judgey.

Is he in reception/yr1? Because it could just be that he was more settled after Christmas, and your mat. leave had little to do with it.

Do not let a thoughtless comment by 1 teacher in your son's report influence your career.

GooseyLoosey · 22/07/2008 13:00

Don't worry. It was a very insensitive thing for the teacher to put. The teacher has no idea what has made him feel happier.

It may well be the case that other things have made him happier such as knowing what his role in the family is going to be once a new sibling is born and more confidence because he knows he is still loved and valued and has a special role as a big brother.

If I think about my own family situation, I think my dcs would be happier in the short term if I did not work (dd tells me this). However, I know that in the medium term I would become unhappy and irritable and would be a terrible parent, and we would also have financial problems which would cause stress for both dh and I so in reality they would be worse off.

maretta · 22/07/2008 13:00

How old is your ds?

Could it just be that January was when he settled into school.

It seems one thing to say he was happier but another to attribute reasons. How do they know that it was your maternity leave that made him happier.

Original poster
goodomen · 22/07/2008 13:00

I have been able to drop him off and pick him up since leaving work so it has made a difference that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
goodomen · 22/07/2008 13:03

Ds is only 4.5 so it has been his F1 year so may well have only settled properly after Christmas.
I was shocked aswell that my maternity leave was mentioned.

OP posts:
jammi · 22/07/2008 13:09

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GivePeasAChance · 22/07/2008 13:16

I would be tempted to go to the head too I have to say. It really is incredibly inappropriate and naive.

kslatts · 22/07/2008 13:19

I wouldn't worry and agree that he could just be feeling more grown up now that he is a big brother.

Thisismynewname · 22/07/2008 13:19

I agree that it's inappropriate too. No differnt to putting something like " xx is much happier since his father left."

I find it really offensive.

Heated · 22/07/2008 13:21

Am , would never write this in a child's report.

wessexgirl · 22/07/2008 13:24

Blimey, I think that's well out of order personally - it sounds as if she's intentionally guilt-tripping you, even if she doesn't mean it to come across that way.

jammi · 22/07/2008 13:27

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clumsymum · 22/07/2008 13:34

playing devil's advocate here.... but .... what if the teacher is right.

It may be true that your very little boy found it quite a to-do, being passed between childminder(or nursery or whatever) and school, and is much happier and more confident that the transition is just you and school. Your ds MIGHT have actually told her that.

What is the point of communications from school if they don't tell it as school sees it.

You know your child, look carefully at him and think if it might be true (ask Grandparents/friends their opinion too).

You may not like hearing /reading it, but personally I don't think it's out of order for teacher to comment if she thinks it's significant.

BitOfFun · 22/07/2008 13:39

I think it is an horrendously inappropriate comment to make, personally, and one which I would complain about (perhaps in writing if you think you'd be too upset to speak calmly in person) to the Head.

cornsilk · 22/07/2008 13:44

Ask her what she means and explain it's upsetting. He probably is happier if you're taking him to school and picking him up each day if you weren't before. I know my ds's are happier when I pick them up. It doesn't have to mean he was miserable before that. Does she have kids? I wouldn't complain about her - Head will have seen the report anyway. Probably a thoughtless comment.

Countingthegreyhairs · 22/07/2008 13:49

Good point from Goosey Loosey about considering the long term ...

Hwr (and before I get flamed may I point out that I work four nearly five days a week school hours/term time)!!) and I'm a much more patient mother since doing so -

there is a little boy in dd's class at the school gates who cries for his mother (literally saying "mama, mama") every single afternoon when I pick up dd even though his v. competent nanny is there. He's patently uhappy and really, really upset every day. When I see his mother at school events/ parents evenings etc, she tells me how worried she is about her little boy not settling and being very clingy and moody.

I of course say nothing about the daily incidents at the school gates because (a) I'm not qualified to comment (b)I don't feel it's my place to do so and (c) if I'm honest I don't want to upset her or come across as judgey or cause offence and I'm a coward ....

But if a trained professional knows something specific about your child that could help him or her, wouldn't you want to know?

I think I would in similar circumstances tbh.

If an experienced teacher sees a change in your child and believes that change to be specifically attributable to x or y - then however uncomfortable it may be for me to hear - I would trust their professional opinion and at least want to discuss what they have to say.

I agree it's different when there are other equally valid reasons/factors that should be taken in to the account, as in your case Goodomen. And teacher definitely should not have commented in writing, but invited you in for discussion ....

AbbeyA · 22/07/2008 13:54

I don't think that she should have put in writing but if she thought there was real cause for concern then she could mention it is passing. I know one 4 year old who hates going to after school club, he cries every day at home time, I'm sure that his mother would prefer to know.

jammi · 22/07/2008 13:59

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beanieb · 22/07/2008 14:01

I'm absolutely shocked that they would put this on the report TBH.

Original poster
goodomen · 22/07/2008 15:33

Thanks for all your replies.

The teacher in question is lovely. She is a mum to young children aswell and I had told her several times while pregnant that I couldn't wait to start maternity leave.
She is just telling the truth I suppose.

The report is probably not the right place to put it, but I am grateful for the information.
As far as I knew ds was perfectly happy and confident before I left work. He has never cried at the gates or even said he doesn't want to go in.

I love being at home with the children at the moment but I don't know if I would be happy long term.
I do care about my career, but not at the expense of my children.

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TheHedgeWitch · 22/07/2008 17:13

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Original poster
goodomen · 22/07/2008 17:55

I am glad she mentioned it, just think she should have talked in person to me rather than putting it in his report.

Having said that it has made me feel very guilty and to question whether or not I should return to work.

I made a conscious decision to return to work after having ds as I want my children to have a strong female role model and also enjoy the self esteem it gives me.

On the other hand I want my children to be happy and that has always been my priority.

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HonoriaGlossop · 22/07/2008 18:38

I feel torn on this one because I do think it was inappropriate to mention it as it is only an opinion which can't be backed up by proper fact (as in Johnny is working at level 2 in Literacy, which CAN be backed up)

However if this was me I would welcome the knowledge about my child, hard as it may be to hear. Because you can use it to re-think and see if any changes are necessary (if they're possible). It doesn't mean you have to make sudden life altering decisions but it's just some important information to go on. IMO.