Aibu re SIL and wedding/pregnancy?

[weddingy]

Hi all,

Fully prepared to be told IABU on this and that I need to give my head a wobble, but looking for some very objective outside opinions.

I’m due to get married to my fiancé in 2 years time, and SIL is 5 months pregnant.

Obviously I am super excited for her and it’ll be lovely for the in-laws to be first time grandparents etc. But since her announcement she’s come across to me as very entitled, in particular about our wedding.

Our wedding was initially intended to be child free, we don’t have children and we only know one person who we are close to with young children. The only exception to this is my (much younger) sister who is 4.

I am more than happy to make changes to this based on SILs baby, as she’s obviously closer family etc.

My suggestion was that baby comes to the ceremony and meal and then leaves for the reception. I was thinking they’d be tired by then anyway (they’ll be nearly 2!) and tbh we’d really like our reception to be like ‘big house party’ vibes, so don’t want to be worrying about a little one! To add, this is exactly what’s going to happen with my little sister with no issue

SIL has hit the roof about this. She’s firstly annoyed that the baby won’t be a ‘proper part’ of the wedding (I assume she means like flower girl/page boy). I think this stems from a previous issue where she was very upset she wasn’t a bridesmaid and if her baby was a flower girl etc then she’d effectively be a bridesmaid as she’d have to carry her down the aisle?

She was then annoyed that her baby isn’t welcome all day and said this is really unfair to her as she’ll then also have to leave. Which I kind of see, but also her DH could take the baby up to the hotel room if that’s the issue?

Theres also the issue of the meal. Our venue doesn’t have a children’s catering option, which is no issue as we don’t really have any child guests! I offered to organise some kind of packed lunch but she said this wasn’t fair either. I don’t really see why it’s a massive deal to bring their own food when baby surely won’t eat much at 1.5 anyway?

Also, if it makes any difference, SIL got married 2 years ago and had a completely child free wedding and wouldn’t let her friend bring a newborn as it ‘ruined the vibe’ so I think she’s being quite hypocritical!

I know this post makes it sound like I don’t like her, but we do generally get on well! However she’s very strong minded so I find it hard when she gets firm on something as there’s not much to say to change her mind etc.

So, Mumsnet, AIBU to say I’m sticking to my original plan re the baby?!

She hasn’t had the baby yet? Why do you have that be that organised that you know what time baby should leave a wedding at in the future?! She may well decide to take baby and leave early she may be someone who stays all night and baby ends up sleeping in pram. Doesn’t really matter?!
we had babies and kids of all ages at our wedding. It was fun, it was family and friends and what life is all about! A 1.5 year old can eat bits of parents dinner.

By the time the wedding comes around she’ll be insisting on sticking to nap times and probably won’t come anyway so don’t sweat it.

You could have twins and be due again by then. Stop worrying about this now.

I think you’re being pretty ridiculous. It’s really off of you to boot out her child partway through the day. Why would you have to ‘worry about a little one’ at a reception – that’s the parents’ job. Just enjoy your wedding and let them handle it. It also seems pointless to argue so much about this two years in advance.

A 1.5yr old can surely eat something adapted from your menu – potatoes, veg, chicken etc. Just ask them.

Genuinely would say to get that it’s a long way off and you can just discuss it at the time when she knows what kind of child her baby turns out to be. It really isn’t worth arguing now. I would have a stock answer ready if she asks about it ‘oh it’s miles off SIL, I’m not doing any thinking about the big day at the minute’

Get a grip. Your wedding is in 2 years and the baby hasn’t even been born yet. Revisit the discussion in 18 months. FWIW I am of the personal belief that nieces and nephews of the bride and groom are not included in the no children mandate.

I don’t understand long engagements or people being shitty about babies at weddings. You are seriously borrowing trouble by even considering any of this. Just stop thinking or talking about it and focus on something else. Honestly, two years to go and you’re picking fights about when to send a child who hasn’t even been born home. Extraordinary.

Honestly, it’s hilarious that you’ve got into a fight about a child who doesn’t exist yet and a wedding that is two years away. Is there not much else going on in either of your lives, OP?

This is the most bonkers thing I’ve seen in MN for a while and that’s saying something. You’re talking about a baby who hasn’t been born yet attending a wedding in two years time? She has no idea how she’ll feel once baby is here, let alone when baby is 18 months. So much depends on the child. Also you have no idea how many other guests will have babies by then! 22 months is plenty of time for people to have a kid…. You could even have two in that time yourself. You just can’t predict the future so it literally shouldn’t even be a discussion right now. Let alone a discussion on what time the unborn baby who will be a toddler should leave. Bonkers.

"However she’s very strong minded ..."

And you are very diplomatic! But it's time to put your big girl pants on diplomacy aside, and organise your wedding to YOUR tastes, not hers.

Your caterer could go bust, or change menu, or you could find multiple friends have had children, or SIL could have had a second child or any number of things could happen before this wedding happens - and you’re giving headspace to a packed lunch for an infant not even born yet?! Just forget about it and figure out the details much nearer the time.

A fair and reasonable question. The woman I know who was similarly tied up in details like this, including a count down lasting years, fell out with her whole family over the insane bridal shower she threw for herself and was divorced before they’d paid the wedding off. It’s just a wedding, just one day, by all means enjoy the planning but please god remember it’s a means to an end not the defining moment of your life.

Carry on like this and he won't marry you. The new Uncle you're engaged to may be be besotted by the baby.

Why is this even being discussed yet?

Your SIL has no idea what parenting will be like for her and by the time of your wedding she may even choose not to take the baby for the day to get a break from it all.

I think you’re coming across as Bridezilla and if you are like this with all aspects of your wedding everyone is going to be completely bored of the event by the time it actually happens.

Just stop mentioning it to her - and everybody else - as who knows what’s going to happen for anyone in the next 2 years.

You're being weird worrying so much about a toddler that's not yours..who cares if the music is loud etc. Her mother can take her out then.

And her mum is being weird too. I bet in 18 months she'll be dying to catch a break from her.

Just let her bring the child and decide details later on. Weddings are family events. It's literally a ceremony about bringing 2 people together to make a family. It's not a house party. Having your niece/nephew there is a privilege.

Why would you wait two years to get married and simultaneously try to plan every fine detail now? If I were you, I’d relax and see how the baby is nearer the time. She isn’t even half way through her pregnancy yet and she’s a new Mum. It is all overkill. I promise you, that if the parents decide on the day how to manage their little one, it won’t spoil a thing. You will still be the bride. It will still be your wedding. A baby at a reception isn’t a problem.

Oh god this is such a storm in a teacup.

YABU for trying to set rules so far in advance and effectively excluding your SIL from
the reception.

SIL is BU for making a drama out of it when it is TWO YEARS away.

Invite them and let them make a decision about what time to leave the reception rather than dictating. At many weddings toddlers end up just falling asleep in a corner. How exactly do you think they are going to ruin the vibe?

I’m pregnant and due soon. I have BILs wedding next year where baby is not invited and my own brother’s wedding the year after where she will be. I do think it’s a bit rude to exclude a niece or nephew from a wedding (particularly as this one is only 15 people going out for lunch) but I haven’t said anything and I’ve just asked my parents to have her that day. For my brother’s wedding I’ve asked my ILs to pick her up at about 7 o’clock so DH and I can enjoy the party even though there would be no issue with her staying or us leaving.

The point is the path of least resistance is possible in all cases - if people want an argument it’s very easy to have one, as you two clearly do.

In these situations it's best to say less. You can't change a mind and the more talking from both sides the more potential damage.

Just say if it comes up, it's miles away and not to worry, leave it at that and see how the next 2 yrs goes.

You need to practice saying:

"I am surprised that you are upset about this, as you yourself had a child free wedding"
"I am surprised that SIL is upset about this, given she also had a child free wedding"

She's being a massive hypocrite, dont engage! Just point out its what she did!

I don't know why pp are being so unpleasant to you OP. I think your proposal re the baby is perfectly sensible and given your SIL insisted on a child free wedding she is being a hypocrite.
It is quite early to fall out over this but honestly I don't think you are being unreasonable and giving her the heads up now at least means it won't be a shock later down the line.

This ^^

Why do weddings bring out the worst in some people?

You are overly invested in what an unborn baby will or will not be doing at a wedding which is two years away. Since you don’t have any experience with children, I can assure you that SIL will not be staying for the full “house party” experience with a young toddler anyway. Invite them to the wedding, baby and all and let them manage if and when they take the baby home. Neither of you have had kids before and neither of you knows what having a young toddler at a wedding actually means. Stop worrying about it.

You are very unreasonable to put this sort of restrictions now. It’s in 2 years.

This. Just tell her to do what she likes and don’t worry about it. It’s not worth falling out over.

Omg, it's two years away. And the baby will be your fiancé's niece/nephew so how does he feel about it all? Have the day you want of course, but I just can't imagine dictating something like this two years in advance.