Tell ex when child has a cold?

[CrimbusTime]

My daughter was off school today because she woke with a temperature, aching muscles, snotty nose and just generally cold type illness. Nothing serious but bad enough to have a day off school.
she isn’t scheduled to see my ex at all today so I didn’t feel it was necessary to inform them she had been off school with a cold but I have just recieved an email saying I have to inform them when the children are absent from school.

my ex was abusive and controlling during our relationship and continues to be so after and I feel like this is just another way to try to control me. I wouldn’t expect to be told if they were off sick with a cold on a day that wasn’t my contact day.

AIBU to not have informed them?

How does he know? Ask him why you need to tell him when he clearly has other ways of finding out.

Do you expect ex to notify you if DC is off? What's happened to date?

I’m not sure how they know but I’m not really wanting to open up a back and forth argument by asking.

With a cold? No. In fact if it wasn’t my contact day I wouldn’t expect to be notified of any illness unless it needed medical attention.

Why would you not want to be kept update about your children's health or school absence even if they were with the other parent?

I think it's reasonable to communicate this from both sides. Doesn't have to be a deep conversation.

My ex texts me if DC scrapes a knee, it drives me bonkers because DC is clumsy and did this constantly during shorts season and I really don't need to know because I'll see it for myself anyway.
I would want to know if he was actually poorly though, mainly so I can make sure I'm stocked up on calpol and food so I won't have to drag him out when he's back with me, but I also do just feel like a parent should be aware their kid is/has been poorly.

Do you think the school contacted him? We have had situations at work where children have been kept home 'ill' and the other parent has disagreed with this.

your time not his its just an attempt to control you

I would want to know if my child was ill...whether they were with me or not. Doesn't it make sense so that if they are contagious, the infection can be limited? I always inform my ex if my kids are ill, as he does with me. Maybe the fact that he's otherwise an arsehole is colouring your thoughts around this.

Is your ex your DDs mum?

I think Ill enough to stay home is a good level of ill to let the other parent know.

But she’s not going anywhere other than my home so she’s not going to be spreading it to anyone. If she’s still ill on a contact day then obviously I would inform them.

I would want to know if my child was absent from school yes. Not because I would havevs problem with it, but attendance at school is the responsibility of both parents so both should be aware of any absences

I don’t think you’re unreasonable.

I also think that needing absence from school is a reasonable level for someone to say they’d want to know about.

When dealing with a very controlling and abusive ex you are in a specific situation and contact needs to be as limited as possible. Anyone commenting who isn’t in this situation or an expert is unlikely to have a full enough understanding of what this is like to be equipped to answer.

Of course, when co-parenting in an ideal world you would have easy communication and it would be nice to know about your child’s every sniffle in return, but when there’s separation in your circumstances, any communication can be exploited and cause stress, which can impact both you and your child. A minor cold being treated at home is not a medical emergency and there’s no reason he would need to be informed from what you’ve described, especially as it doesn’t affect contact arrangements at all. Bigger medical issues would need involvement where there’s parental responsibility, but this sounds like just a day to day parenting matter.

He’s being an arsehole. Just ignore. You don’t report to him

Who is the resident parent? If you then no need to say. If your ex, or its 50/50 then reasonable if ill enough to be kept off school.

Assume ex is female?

I am our daughters mum, does that make a difference?

If you inform the school that a child is sick then it will update in their system, which triggers a notification to both parents surely? It depends on the system, but if you can add a note and state, for example, child has a cold, then this would inform the other parent. Job done.
Is there a reason you think that the other parent doesn’t need to know their child is ill and off school?

Genuinely unsure if you’re being U or not. I can see your rationale but I’d want to know if the roles were reversed.

I’m guessing he has barely any contact and it’s never happened on his time?

With a cold? No
It's not a cold if she has a fever and body aches.

A cold? No need. Anything that involves a temperature, yes, the other parent should be notified.

Avoiding the question about the sex of her other parent and the arrangement I notice!

I'd probably just drop an FYI text, so yeah I'd let him know just out of general interest. He'd do the same to me.

Why people can't just get over themselves and communicate after a split I'll never know.

It's not that deep.

I always inform my children’s dad when they are off school. Regardless whether it’s his day or not. I do it because if he’d kept them off I would want to know. I also wouldn’t want him questioning any absences when the school report gets sent out.
I understand though your comments about it being an abusive and controlling relationship, and get that it must be hard to open up communication.

You probably both know how to trigger and upset one another, and probably intentionally do perhaps often.

This allegedly is his child as well. Presumably he loves her, cares, and is active in her life. He gets school alerts.

You know things will be worse between you two if you don't inform him.

Just inform him. This is about your shared child, not about the grudges and animosity that one or both of you have against the other.

If things were reversed, you'd want to know.

Also, it is important to inform him, in case it returns and perhaps gets worse during his time with her, which may require a hospital visit and questions answered.

Both of you participated in the demise of your former relationship, and probably refer to the other as abusive and controlling...which both of you may have been.

From this point on it should only be about your daughter. Not any desires to hurt him by withholding important information from him.

Perhaps if you weren't an a hole and controlling too, maybe he wouldn't be.

This is perhaps you trying to be controlling and being an a hole .. perhaps you find his freak outs amusing to a degree and want to rile him up.