Tell ex when child has a cold?

[CrimbusTime]

My daughter was off school today because she woke with a temperature, aching muscles, snotty nose and just generally cold type illness. Nothing serious but bad enough to have a day off school.
she isn’t scheduled to see my ex at all today so I didn’t feel it was necessary to inform them she had been off school with a cold but I have just recieved an email saying I have to inform them when the children are absent from school.

my ex was abusive and controlling during our relationship and continues to be so after and I feel like this is just another way to try to control me. I wouldn’t expect to be told if they were off sick with a cold on a day that wasn’t my contact day.

AIBU to not have informed them?

This

Do you have a custody order in place? These can lay out expectations on contact with other parents when children are ill or injured, especially if there are difficulties.

i follow a lady called “jessrunsforsurvivors” on Facebook, I assume she’s on other social media platforms too. She talks a lot about her experiences coparenting with an abusive controlling ex and about how to manage situations like this.

But he os the father you chose to give them so i don't why you being the mother means you cant inform them

Being a mother doesn't mean anyone is higher or anything

I would want to know if it was my child. Not only because they’re unwell, but I would also want to know their school absence rate.

Where did you drag all that nonsense from? You just reminded me how unhinged Mumsnet can be

I legitimately would not expect to be told if she was off school with a cold or virus but I’ll take on board what people are saying and inform them in future I guess.

I'm not sure what difference our gender makes to the discussion though? We’re both equal parents.

OP isn’t saying that. She’s just answering a question she was asked!

Personally I find it odd that you wouldn’t want to know your child was ill!

Just cc your ex into the message you send to the absence email address, job done. You don’t have to interact beyond that.

My ex was controlling and it’s hard to let go of the responses you develop during the relationship, which leave you on eggshells. But as long as he is in the picture and knows she’s well or unwell and with what, you don’t have to get involved with his drama. 💐

I think if it's bad enough to be off school then you should let the other parent know. I'd, expect to be told by my H although it wouldn't affect pick up or drop off for me.

They’re always ill at this time of year, if we both messaged each other every time one of the children has a cold or temperature we would be messaging all the time. She had a cold and is fine again today.

But she was ill enough to need a day off school so that is more ill than normal and I still think a good point to let the other parent know because most parents do care when they child is poorly!

It's not normal to be this ill all the time, especially with temperatures unless there's something underlying. A sniffle of cold I wouldn't tell, but a day off school is pretty poorly to me and a rare occasion.

No i wouldn't. My ex was abusive. I avoid all contact with him unless absolutely necessary.

Your biggest concern is that someone from school has told him. This is majorly concerning, schools can make situations so much worse, you won't realise how much work he is putting in our of your view to get those people on side and make them think you're the abusive one.

I'd reccomend getting a copy of the record the school keeps on your children. You just email and ask for a copy of all the information they keep on your child. They keep a diary of every time your kid has come to school with dirty shoes or anything you've ever said to them. It'll give you an idea of whats being said and thought.

You also need to find out who informed him and ask if that's school policy. Do they do that for every kid of separated parents? That's alot of admin.

Your biggest concern is that someone from school has told him

If its anything like my kids school, there's an app where you can see attendance etc.

Schools do not have time to record children with dirty shoes ffs.

Does your DD have a phone or tablet your ex can track the location off?

Just a short email to let ex know is enough. “hi, fyi dc caught a cold, not well enough for school today but back tomorrow I expect.”

Then next day “fyi dc back to school today.”

30 seconds, done.

I mean, YOU know it’s just a cold and she is off one day.

Your ex doesn’t.

That might mean there’s a risk she is still sick on contact day and ex needs days off work to look after her or contact weekend is cancelled.

I would want to know because I love my kids, I am interested in the detail in their wellbeing, and yes I’d want to know it all.

Ex and I usually let each other know if we’ve kept one of the kids off school.
Mostly as a ‘warning’ that we might have to take time off work that week if they don’t improve, or change plans that might’ve been made for the weekend or after school etc.

I’d be a bit miffed if I received my children’s absence reports and found out about absences that I wasn’t made aware of. When we were together we’d tell each other (“I’ll stay off with today, they’re too unwell to go to school”), so it just feels natural to continue doing that?

Please bear in mind most of these responses don’t seem to be from people dealing with a controlling or abusive ex, and many may not have experienced divorce and co-parenting when things are not amicable, so don’t dismiss your gut response. What’s reasonable depends on understanding that situation. Where there is abuse and controlling behaviour there’s a line that has to be walked in co-parenting and it’s not unreasonable to be cautious. Seemingly simple requests for information can escalate and boundaries pushed for more intrusive and controlling behaviour, and preventing this is in the child’s interests too.

If you’re worried about this in future and the school has an attendance app where you both can see if your child is off then job done, the other parent has access to the info. Usually you’ll have said the reason for absence there, so the info is available and these apps often notify parents automatically. If he has this and insists on more communication beyond that it isn’t truly necessary unless illness affects contact arrangements or gets worse and requires medical intervention and appointments etc. Is there an app like that at school?

It sounds like you have a very difficult relationship with your ex-husband and that he can be unreasonable, but I don’t think this is unreasonable.

A cold is one thing but I think being ill enough to need a day off school is quite a big deal.

My DH and I both travel for work, if either of our DC were off school ill while one of us was away, we’d text the other one to let them know.

I inform my children’s other parent when they are unwell enough to miss school. I think that’s pretty standard.

I only ever tell my ex about serious things. So if hospital is involved, they are very unwell, or extremely upset (aka due to the death of their beloved guinea pig!). Wouldn't think to tell him about a cold! Wouldn't expect him to tell me either.

Being off school is pretty serious no?

Send an email back it’s a non contact day so didn’t feel to need to contact you. If he sends any more emails after that ignore.

You know what, you're right. It doesn't sound like a cold.