to think former colleague’s behavior was duplicitous and appalling?

[RobertTheDoggert]

I have recently discovered by accident that a former colleague and (supposedly) friend, interviewed for the role I currently have while I was also interviewing for it, and never said a thing about it. I am shocked!

We worked together for years and became good friends. She invited me to her wedding, we hang out one-to-one regularly, we confided in each other, etc.

When I applied for my current role, we were working at the same company. I immediately shared the news with her, as I thought she was a friend. As I went through the 4 months process of interviewing, working on an assignment, meeting with the team, etc, she kept asking how things were going, to share updates, how the interviews were, and I told her everything. I was totally honest and open, as I tend to be in friendships.

Well, I eventually got the role and started at the new company a few months ago. Last week I was chatting with my team and by complete accident I learned that my former colleague interviewed for the role alongside me!! Apparently she went through the first couple of interviews and then she was rejected because of “personality fit”.

AIBU to find her behavior duplicitous and horrendous? What kind of person behaves this way? It serves me well as a lesson not trust people so freely.

Diabolical from the new company to share that information with you.

Blimey, I’d be concerned about GDPR in that company!

Are you going to raise this with her? I’d find it super disappointing that she’d kept this secret.

It was actually by accident. I stumbled upon a piece of information by chance while we were considering people for a freelance project and I suggested her. My team got very embarrassed and couldn’t explain why we could not consider her, so I put one and one together and eventually found a way to confirm my suspicions.

Live and learn. In my humble experience, people at work are often not the friends we think they are. More likely they love you getting ahead, but not ahead of them.

That wasn’t “by accident”. They had options. The poor woman has been hung out to dry, not only have they broken the confidence, they’ve told you why she was rejected. You got the job, what’s the problem?

She’s entitled not to share every detail of her life, personal or professional. Why is that shocking? Just because you told her she should’ve shared the same with you?

Im more shocked that you ‘found a way to confirm your suspicions’ and suggest you grow up. You got the job. Move on.

I'm not sure your friend has done much, if anything, wrong. You chose to share your application with her - she chose to keep hers private. You say she didn't progress to the later stages - perhaps she'd have told you further down the line, perhaps not.

What would you have gained by knowing she was applying? It's a potential source of anxiety if you know every detail of someone else's application - say, they get invited for interview before you.

Being friends doesn't mean you are obliged to share absolutely everything with each other.

She was being professional because she valued your friendship and didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. It’s irrelevant seeing as the company selected you over her.

I don’t think she did anything wrong. Why did you tell her so much? That’s what seems unprofessional of you. But you got the job, so let it go.

Of course she wasn't being professional. She was pumping the OP for information about her application without telling her she was applying for the same job.

Don’t be ridiculous. Depending on your field lots of people will go after the same job and some people prefer to keep these matters private. You weren’t any more entitled to apply than she was. Grow up.

I don’t think your friend did anything wrong, not everyone shares every moment of their life. You told her everything and she chose not too, there’s nothing more to it than that.

Meh, I think you’re more at fault than her.

I wonder what her plan was if she got the job! That would’ve been very awkward.

Of course she’s entitled to keep it to herself but it’s very underhand to listen to you talk about it and ask for updates when all along she’s applying too. It’s not what I’d expect from a friend.

I don’t think you should say anything to her because you’re not supposed to know and the fact that you do makes you and your new company look very bad.

This. Her friend and colleague went about this the right way, not the op. How awkward would it have been to have had to say you were also going for the same job? I don’t think it makes her any more untrustworthy at all, probably the opposite actually

Without the dates and times of the stages they were both at, her friend might have been ahead of her in the interview process. So nothing the op could have told her would have helped. Also from what the op said, her friend was ruled out pretty quickly. How do we know she wasn’t actually planning on telling the op at some point? She went for the initial stages, got rejected pretty quickly, and then potentially found it irrelevant or even embarrassed at an early rejection so understandably kept it to herself

Jesus - the company you work for sounds bladdy awful and dire - GDPR!! I feel bad for your friend. You found a way to confirm your suspicions?! Whats wrong with you?! She probably didnt tell you as it would be awkward, you got the job - whats the issue now? Youre clearly the better fit/right candidate - what do you want from this post - to gloat?! I think the only person who should be looking at their behavior is you...

Keep your business tight in future OP. More people should do the same, imo. A lot of people seem to have trouble keeping anything to themselves, nowadays it would seem.

This!! She was actively inquiring about my interviews, the questions, whether I heard back, my impressions, etc.

I find that very duplicitous.

That is definitely the learning for me, I agree.

I would just distance myself. You got the job, but I’d find it hard to trust someone that let you talk openly about this and didn’t either stop you or tell you they were also interviewing.

I recently got the measure of a friendly colleague and distanced myself for a similar reason but for far less personal.

I am thinking that you probably feel she thinks you are a fool? That’s how I felt.

If they would say “I wasn’t ready to mention this” after the fact, we would probably just get over it. But since they haven’t it seems we didn’t have the same relationship with them that they have with us. That’s good reason to back away, in my opinion.

You are right and this is why she’s not going to tell you about it now. She wasn’t being private, she was being slimy.

Exactly. That a horrendous breach of personal information.

Errrm that wasn't what you said until posters mentioned GDPR...

Last week I was chatting with my team and by complete accident I learned that my former colleague interviewed for the role alongside me!! Apparently she went through the first couple of interviews and then she was rejected because of “personality fit”.

This is seriously weird friend behaviour. The friend, I mean.
YANBU.