to think former colleague’s behavior was duplicitous and appalling?

[RobertTheDoggert]

I have recently discovered by accident that a former colleague and (supposedly) friend, interviewed for the role I currently have while I was also interviewing for it, and never said a thing about it. I am shocked!

We worked together for years and became good friends. She invited me to her wedding, we hang out one-to-one regularly, we confided in each other, etc.

When I applied for my current role, we were working at the same company. I immediately shared the news with her, as I thought she was a friend. As I went through the 4 months process of interviewing, working on an assignment, meeting with the team, etc, she kept asking how things were going, to share updates, how the interviews were, and I told her everything. I was totally honest and open, as I tend to be in friendships.

Well, I eventually got the role and started at the new company a few months ago. Last week I was chatting with my team and by complete accident I learned that my former colleague interviewed for the role alongside me!! Apparently she went through the first couple of interviews and then she was rejected because of “personality fit”.

AIBU to find her behavior duplicitous and horrendous? What kind of person behaves this way? It serves me well as a lesson not trust people so freely.

I don’t think she had to share but if she’s asking questions about the process and trying to get information out of you she’s crossed the line and should have told you.

id drop her as it’s awkward and she’s clearly not invested in being a close friend.

Wow, some of the replies on here are wild. She was a friend who you trusted with the info and she used it to her advantage whilst hiding the fact she was also an applicant. Completely duplicitous. I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her after finding out. And the posters who are trying to make you out as a wrong ‘un for digging to confirm your suspicions are clearly such moral folks. Who wouldn’t probe that further?! I mean you got the job fair and square over her even with the additional info she gleaned from you. Happy days. She wouldn’t be my friend any more!

I can see why you feel this friend did the dirty on you trying to get information etc but, ultimately. you got the job and she didn’t. Moreover, she clearly didn’t impress them if they vetoed her for the freelance work.
You don’t have have anything more to do with her so I would just put the whole incident to the back of your mind and get on with knocking ‘em dead in your new role.

She said she was happy for me but I could tell she was annoyed. To be fair, right before I got the role she was made redundant so at the time I explained to myself her lukewarm reaction as understandable mixed feelings about a friend’s new job while you are about to be unemployed.

I don’t think I will confront her. She clearly isn’t the friend I thought she was and she has been acting cold with me since I started my new job anyway, so I doubt she is interested in maintaining the friendship.

Wow, don't introduce your friend to your husband whatever you do!

I don’t see how those two things are contradictory or mutually exclusive.

OP, I totally agree with you. You thought you had a close relationship with your friend, in which you shared with each other the important things going on in your lives, only to find that you were doing that but she wasn’t - and was trying to benefit from your confidences.

This made me chuckle

The friend was devious and deceitful. @RobertTheDoggert has done nothing wrong and by suggesting her friend for some freelance work was actively trying to help her. She knew OP was interviewing for the job. Friend actively questioned her about the process, interviews and assignment while going through the same herself. She was sneaky and has shown OP that she is not honest and cannot be trusted.
She doesn't deserve your friendship or support going forward. She has shown you who she is. Your present company clearly saw something in her that didn't suit, perhaps her responses were too rehearsed and too similar to yours? Their reaction to you suggesting her would indicate that there is more to her not being 'a fit'
At least you now know what her true personality is and she is one to be avoided in future

Happened to me too. I’ve never let on that I know my friend went for it as well - it’s his business if he wants to tell me. He’s doing excellently now anyway and it was years ago. I’m glad he didn’t tell me because I’d have never thought I’d have got it over him anyway and it probably would have knocked my confidence!

Maybe she lacked confidence. You got the job, she didn’t. She’s probably even less confident now. Be kind.

Very mumsnet answers here. In my opinion she has behaved badly. Fair enough to want to keep everything private. But in this case she was actively probing the OP for information about interviews etc, pretending to be interested and hiding the real reason why. I think that's ethically dubious. She could have disclosed that she was going for the interview herself, or not asked the OP. Using the OPs openness to gain an advantage is shit behaviour and she is not a friend

She had the right to apply for the job, as did you. It doesn't have to be shared.

Definitely! It’s outrageous. She was pumping you without disclosing why. Are you still in touch since you’ve left? I’d ask her about it. Btw, she’s not your friend…

@RobertTheDoggert I am so pleased to hear that she could barely congratulate you through gritted teeth!!! That's exactly the right outcome. She must feel such a fool given that she was unable to succeed when she had such an advantage from the information you unwittingly gave her. Do keep your distance but I suspect she'll be back fast enough if she ever thinks she can make use of you! If you do have any contact with her, you might like to talk about karma (without going into specifics!) she'll left wondering whether you know something!

We have been loosely in touch since I left, but the tone of her messages was very cold. I guess now I know why

Of course she was entitled to apply! I don’t have any issues with her applying to the role.

I think she behaved pretty appallingly. As you say yourself she was entitled to apply but she deliberately didn't tell you so she could try and crib from your prep and capitalise on it for herself, because she knew you were better positioned for the role (as was proved to be the case).

Sorry if I've missed it (and you may not know) but did she find out and apply independently or did she only find out through you?

It has happened to me too. I was invited to apply for a promotion opportunity by two of the partners. Colleague got wind of it and kicked up a huge fuss about it not being advertised internally (it doesn't work like that in our industry when it's a personal promotion rather than a new role ifyswim) and insisted she be allowed to apply too. I didn't know any of that and she kept asking, all sickly sweet if could "help" me by proofreading my application, asking who my sponsors were and could she read their testimonials etc. I politely fobbed her off and she got all huffy. Then on the day of my interview with the board she was also sitting outside the room smirking. I got it and she was so annoyed and kept saying to all and sundry that I wasn't up to it. Nice.