Middle age and struggling

[767786alsk]

Currently navigating the usual midlife sandwich-generation storm and would really appreciate any tips on what has helped others get through it.

I’m perimenopausal, with primary-school-aged children (one neurodivergent). My sister has recently passed away, my father appears to be developing early-stage dementia, and my mother is understandably struggling with it. My husband has also recently lost his father, and we’re both working full-time.

I know none of this is particularly unusual and that, sadly, much of it is part and parcel of middle age. But it’s a lot, both practically and emotionally. It feels as though every time we get through one thing, something else comes along.
I know many of my friends are dealing with similar challenges, and I don’t want every catch-up to turn into a conversation about my problems.

So, for those who have been through this stage of life, what genuinely helped? Not necessarily looking for big solutions, just practical tips or small changes that made everything feel a little more manageable.

Solo holidays or mini-breaks.

I don’t have a solution for you but I’ve been through this and it felt like we were lurching from one crisis to another . Getting enough sleep is the only thing I can suggest that really helped

HRT

Counselling (I mean counselling rather than therapy, simply somewhere you can offload or talk in circles for an hour. Made a massive difference for me).

Having a form of exercise and carving out time for it. I have a yoga mat inside the house for YouTube yoga and stretching and a gym area in the garage for weights. Also walking.

Sorry you are having a rotten time.

It sounds as though you’ve made had your children later in life, so you’re in the thick of parenting young people and dealing with the usual mid-life situation of worrying about or caring for or grieving the loss of parents etc simultaneously and that will be tough on anyone.

I agree with the pp, just make sure you prioritise sleep so that you are ready for each day as it comes and try not to sweat the little stuff ( housework etc..).

I can understand where you’re coming from!

Definitely need to go back on HRT - stopped it as ran out of patches and didnt have time to get more though it did help. I would love to have someone to off load to with no consequences. Dh gets therapy through work and am very jealous. Not sure that I can justify a hundred quid a week to pay someone just to listen to me moaning. And yes to whoever said - we are mid 40s and kids still in primary so it's a long way to go.

Hi @767786alsk you need the HRT on repeat prescription. You can't just stop and start it!. Make that a priority.

My counsellor was £50 an hour but we have a BUPA membership via DHs work and they have a mental health line and they covered 20 initial sessions and then 20 more.

If your employer has an employee assistance helpline, that might be an option - ours provides 6 sessions of CBT a year to all employees who ask for it.

Just a thought about your father. After my sister died my dad developed gaps in his memory. Stuff that you couldn’t possibly forget (like escorting his sister through a media crowd at her son’s inquest). I am absolutely convinced he has PTSD. My mother might have been just as devastated as my dad, but I think she managed the grief a little better. 18 years down the line, dad doesn’t have dementia. Still has the same gaps in his memory.

I lurched through this is my 40s - bereavements, job losses, sickness, incredible work related stress. DH too.

All I can say is that we did get through it and life is much better now. You will do - honest - maybe in a slightly different shape or frame of mind - but you will.

What helped, being honest with work and being lucky enough to have work placed counselling.

Time out for myself - sometimes not much - but I did a lot of walking!
Laying off the booze.
Trying to stay in touch with friends - luckily had some incredible ones.
Others who were lovely I just didn't have the time to keeip up a friendship with - but that happens.
Trying to eat and sleep as well as possilbe - getting out in nature as much as possible.
Just putting my head down and realising that sometimes you had to plough through the crap and you would get through - somehow.
Getting a dog in the aftermath - she's adorable and gets us out and I wish we'd got her before.

I suspect counseling and hrt is the answer. I do have friends but most of these things aren't one of crises..just unfortunate long term major issues. Being able to off load it to someone else whose feelings and emotions I don't have to care about sounds amazing. I do wonder who else others turn to during such periods in life.

Sorry about your DSIS and your FIL.

I also suggest counselling, I had it when I had 3 massive things happen at once. It helped me work on loosening strings. I felt like a plate with lots of strings attached and at the end of each one was someone pulling tightly. I realised I didn’t want to cut the strings but I needed them more relaxed and less tight.
You could start by putting in boundaries with your parents, their needs will only get greater but for now concentrate on yourself and your DC.

I also recommend HRT, it wasn’t a miracle cure but it did take the edge off different my anxiety and irritation.

Another thing I found that helped was to ditch caffeine, I felt much calmer and on an even keel. Exercise especially if you can get outside also helps.

Eating foods to boost your mood such as Brazil nuts and turkey may be worth a shot too.

Yeah I wouldn't have had anyone either. I dont have the kind of friends I could talk to enough to work through a problem.

The benefit of counselling was not being judged and some helpful framing of issues. I found myself talking about things that had bothered me for years or things that had bothered me that morning. It was so wonderful walking into someone who looked at me and asked 'how are you?' and was actually interested!

I do have friends....but they dont want me to off load on them every couple of weeks. They have their own issues and it's not fair for our interactions to be about my problems especially as issues such as dementia or beveament arent one off things, they drag on for years.

In the past, I used to think people who used chatgpt for therapy were mad - but I guess what am really looking for is maybe an outlet for all my feelings at someone who isnt involved and sort of doesnt care. Not sure whether there is much difference between a paid therapist who has to sit there and listen or a computer. Never thought I'd say that.

I think there can be a huge benefit to typing out or dictating your problems somewhere, anywhere, pad of paper, computer. As you say, after a while you feel your friends have heard it all before, which they may not mind, but you start to feel bad that you can't report anything more upbeat.

You can google writing exercises, journalling, or just write to ChatGPT. Some narratives/story exercises involve writing a different ending. I do one which is 10 minute timer on a particular problem, just write the worst things you can think of, offload the brain. Stop. Then do that again for another 10 min, just a stream of consciousness. Stop. Third time around you write out what you'd like to happen, how the story could be different or how your view is changing now you are writing it all out.

Just some ideas. I also like Let Them, the Mel Robbins book for working out what's your responsibility and what's theirs, which you can 'let them' get on with it!

Samaritans or Mind or Shout?

I didn't work FT.

Wine, chocolate and peanuts!

I am in a similar situation and I have an old friend on the other side of the world - we send voice notes back and forth to offload. We don’t see each other very often but I know all the details of her life! It’s very therapeutic and there’s something good about the fact she is far away - I get a different perspective and we both benefit from the ability to offload. Just an idea! I got into it when this friend sent me a voicenote a few years ago - she lives in a country where they are very common.

Other things that help: limiting alcohol and caffeine, doing creative stuff for myself every so often, having the odd day of leave while children are at school. Sometimes i get takeaway for lunch and watch tv all day to wind down

HRT
Going to the gym
A couple of glasses of wine in the evening to celebrate surviving the day.

All helped massively.

I agree with using ChatGPT for this kind of thing. Try it and see if it helps?

Definitely no alcohol and prioritise your sleep. 💐

Sorry, I should have added Chat GPT. It's like my friend. I tell it everything and in spite of what other people say, it CAN give good advice. It knows me now and remembers stuff. And it's not afraid to challenge me when I say something dumb.

I will sound pious, but I caution against daily wine.
Another thing that has really helped me is walking in nature. Looking at beauty in art galleries and museums. And boringly, exercise.

Quiet weekends (where possible)
HRT
weekly counselling
talking to friends who are going through similar
giving myself permission to rest and recover
reading each night
lowering expectations of what's possible right now
self compassion
stopping drinking
not saying "I'm fine, it's fine" when it's not
asking for help

you're carrying a lot 💐