Middle age and struggling

[767786alsk]

Currently navigating the usual midlife sandwich-generation storm and would really appreciate any tips on what has helped others get through it.

I’m perimenopausal, with primary-school-aged children (one neurodivergent). My sister has recently passed away, my father appears to be developing early-stage dementia, and my mother is understandably struggling with it. My husband has also recently lost his father, and we’re both working full-time.

I know none of this is particularly unusual and that, sadly, much of it is part and parcel of middle age. But it’s a lot, both practically and emotionally. It feels as though every time we get through one thing, something else comes along.
I know many of my friends are dealing with similar challenges, and I don’t want every catch-up to turn into a conversation about my problems.

So, for those who have been through this stage of life, what genuinely helped? Not necessarily looking for big solutions, just practical tips or small changes that made everything feel a little more manageable.

@OsfameronTanamoril this is good advice.

But I sympathise with the OP massively.

This morning I went for a walk in the rain and stood watching the rain drops on the river which was lovely. But I've come back no happier or optimistic. 😂

However I do find a double gin and tonic on a Friday after work is just the ticket to help me relax.

The one thing that does cheer me up unfailingly is seeing my 18yr old who has now left home. So if you can borrow an older teen for a few hours OP, they are SO much fun and funny and frankly your whole world view changes when you've hung out with one. 😊

Oh and my cat! A great source of love and comfort. I love that cats give themselves what they need... stretch when they need to. Sleep when the want. Have boundaries. I feel we can learn alot from cats!

One more... breathing. I catch myself holding my breath a lot, when I'm holding a lot, not good for the nervous system. Three deep breaths can be a good reset. Sorry that sounds a bit odd !!

Counselling did not help me much.I got fed up ruminating and dissecting the same things.

Solo trips have helped me for 30 years though!

I'm a little older and so are my kids but I completely get where you're coming from. On top of a divorce I also had a spate of family deaths and health issues plus the remaining older ones started to want more attention and the younger ones still also needed some support. It just gets too much when youre also juggling work and your own relationships and I ended up signed off work with stress - it feels like a weakness to admit you cant cope but I couldn't. I might have when I was younger but add midlife hormones into the mix and sometimes it's just not doable any more.

My advice would be dont push this to one side. There's some good suggestions on here and your GP may be more sympathetic than you think - mine was and offered support I didnt know was available. But dont just keep pushing through, you cant cope with other people's stuff if youre not feeling great yourself and you deserve some time/space/whatever it is you need - midlife women have a habit of putting themselves at the bottom of the pile but in my epxerience it's a recipe for disaster. Good luck :)

Edited to add, I find ChatGPT surprisingly helpful. It remembers things in a way a therapist wouldn't always and sometimes it's just good to get your feelings out. Journalling or writing can help too but obviously that's just you with no response.

Ach @767786alsk this sounds so similar to me - although sadly I lost my sister in our twenties, I still miss her every day but it's made this middle age a lot harder as we were so close and relied on each other and I know she'd have made things easier and vice versa me for her. Losing my mum to dementia last year has been hard; another female connection gone and it's made me miss my sister all over again. My dad has had a bad fall recently so I'm driving him everywhere plus taking him to hospital appointments and check ups. Whilst juggling a disabled non verbal 8 year old child with lots of severe ASN and a neurotypical (but demanding) 5 year old. I feel like I'm just on high alert and stressed constantly.

I love painting so I am trying to do that, and reading before bed, a way to decompress. I fell into a pattern of just having wine and cheese constantly, collapsed in front of the TV but it's just not helping long term. I'm not quite in the full midst of menopause yet, but symptoms have begun so I'm thinking about next steps around that. One thing I do have in my favour is a lovely, supportive DH and he bought me a spa day where I took a day off work and just spent the day by myself with a book whilst the boys were at school. It definitely helped!

Also, don't put pressure on yourself, I have spent ages second guessing decisions, worrying about stupid extended family situations I can't change and I've realised this year that there is just no point.

Sending love.