To ask for stories about unreasonable ex wives?

[cadburyegg]

Hopefully I won’t get absolutely flamed for this 🤣 I’m an ex wife / have been a single mum myself.

recently started seeing someone who also has kids and it seems very much like his ex weaponises the children against him / blocks contact on a whim. I have to admit until I met him I didn’t believe this really happened. I’ve always encouraged my ex to have our children as much as possible but I have the opposite problem in that he isn’t interested in having them more than EOW.

So, I am skeptical, but realise perhaps I am being a bit narrow minded, interested in hearing from women who have stories about difficult exes who stop contact or are difficult about access to the children?

Dps ex

I've never met anyone who is so spiteful in my life

Ringing up every 5 minutes to swear and be abusive to me (all i did was start dating him)
Shit-stirring to anyone who would listen
Threats to us
Got her mates to come to my work to scream abuse at me
Stopped very loving grandparents from seeing their dgd's
Bad mouthing us all over the internet
Found out I'm nc with my family because of their abuse,so she contacted them and flared all their abuse up again
Revenge porn (I think it's called deepfake)
Spread lie after lie about me
Got her mates to message bile at me online
Tried to ring ss on me but got nowhere as my youngest was 2 days off her 18th birthday
Sent junk mail (for thing like vigara and male piss pants to 'Mr d head' or 'Mr p enis'
Tried to ring the police on dp for assault-he was at work at the time so she tried the same on me
Tried to lumber dp with 20k of her debts

Just being a nasty bitch all round-she rang the day dp lost his father to laugh at him

She stopped him from seeing his dds so he took her to court
She just laughed,didn't allow contact so back to court he went-rinse and repeat-for 8 years until they where 18 and 20 (they where waaayyyy too soft on her and kept giving her chance after chance)

He paid csa the whole time but she told the kids he hadn't paid a penny

We went to the police over the abuse and they did nothing-told her to stop and she just carried on

Best bit is,I once bumped into her in the street (she was on the other side to me) and she ran away,got to the end of the very long street and yelled something at me (no idea what it was) and ran off around the corner

The bile is took from her (and still take) has been unbelievable (you'd think that after 11 years,she'd have got bored)

Not bad for a woman I've never met

So, I am skeptical, but realise perhaps I am being a bit narrow minded

And you should remain sceptical too because although there are undoubtedly some spiteful exes out there, the spite is very often on both sides and for reasons that you won't be privy to.

But you'll think you're privy because you'll believe everything your boyfriend tells you.

The bile is took from her (and still take) has been unbelievable (you'd think that after 11 years,she'd have got bored)

I also used to think my hater would get bored and give up but they didn't. I'm not going into detail here but it ended up me getting a restraining order for her.

It taught me to never underestimate how much time and energy haters will spend trying to ruin you. Many of them are utterly relentless.

Many such incidents but the most insane was submitting documents to the court stating that we don’t feed the children. We are rarely out of the kitchen and always making them food and snacks. They often return to their mum’s with something in hand. Upsetting and spiteful.

I have a current thread running on AIBU, it might be useful to have a look as it details my story and also those with similar experiences. I was also very sceptical but I am living on the other side of it now as the wife with the DH with the unreasonable ex and it is challenging. I wouldn’t swap my DH for the world though so it is all totally worth it for me. We have found so much happiness and support in each other and although this is incredibly frustrating, for me it is not something that would make me consider whether I would be better off without my DH. I’m also not saying that this is always the case. I have known both sides with various friends and relatives marriage break ups. I think you have to see her behaviour in isolation of what he tells you, people who are manipulative do tend to reveal their true colours pretty quickly. Also, you have to decide whether the relationship is worth the hassle you can be subject to for a number of years. And it can be an awful lot of pain and grief. Like I say, for me, absolutely worth it but for you, it might not be the case. Consider it carefully would be my advice.

Your comment is so unnecessary 🙄 I’m not stupid, and won’t necessarily believe everything he says. I have both feet on the ground, thanks. I’m trying to understand circumstances where mums do block access.

Whilst spiteful controlling exes undoubtably do exist, it’s just as likely that the new man is telling you that his ex is like this when in fact he’s just a useless absent father.

I know my ex has painted me as a nasty controlling psycho, when in reality I have covered for him endlessly over his bad behaviour towards our children, and encouraged him to see them as much as possible. Like you though @cadburyegg, he’s only ever been interested in EOW, but has, no doubt, told every new girlfriend that he’d love to see them more and it’s me who stops it. He’s currently estranged from his eldest too (mine) and I can’t come up with a version of the truth that he could’ve told his current fiancée that is genuinely plausible, but somehow, she obviously thinks that he is a suitable person to be involved with her two young children.

This does feel really unhelpful though, especially on AIBU. The step-parents board might be a better place to ask for stories and experiences that you will find helpful.

Was a few years ago now but was thinking about him this morning.

Started seeing him when they were still technically married but very much seperated. They had 2 kids together, primary age, a house and a dog. A genuinely lovely man and when he started opening up about her being unreasonable I guess I disbelieved him a fair bit as we all say that our exes are dicks. Well.....

First off, she got wind he was seeing someone new, and started calling him in the evening to discuss random things like 'where christmas tree was' in February! This was obviously to check in on where he was.

Refused to sell the house they lived in, refused valuations, refused any mediation. Divorce completely stalled.

Then she started telling the kids that their dad was going to take them to very expensive places on the weekend, think theme parks, seaside trips, zoos, of course the kids would then be bitterly disappointed if daddy didn't take them because daddy had no idea he was going to, had not booked tickets and didn't have the funds to do so. So he either made himself broke and thus unable to go on dates and pay living costs for the rest of the month, or he disappointed the kids and she would then use their emotional distress as evidence of his supposed shit parenting.

The cherry on the cake was when we were becoming an established couple, still not met the kids, but wider family. She called him up when she guessed we'd be together, and told him he needed to have a vasectomy before she proceeded with house sale. She did not want him having children with anyone else. I was sat right next to him during this call and was gobsmacked.

Relationship ended shortly after, he wasn't in a good place mentally from the stress of it all and we mutually agreed to pause things.

Except I’m not a step parent, just a new girlfriend, so I’d probably get told off for posting there 🤣 can’t win I guess!

All of these men have 'crazy ex's' don't they. But not many women I meet are crazy. Hmm. Stumps me.

Dh’s ex wife.

Had two affairs which ended their marriage. I met him a year later. Some of her greatest hits:

reporting my dog to the Police as a ‘dangerous dog’ in a fit of jealousy as my now DSS’s
mentioned how much they liked him. Nb he’s a very sweet Jack Rusell

Telling everyone DH was a wife beater and cocaine addict. Both later disproved in family court.

On finding none of their mutual friends believed her , meeting a man on a dating site and moving the DSS’s an hour and half away to a place they knew no one but this man because she couldn’t cope with no one buying in to her nonsense anymore.

Then suggesting DH should see his children two nights a month and going ballistic when court rejected this out of hand. We have 50/50.

claiming we are unfit to have the children as we were once 2 minutes late for pick up (an hours drive for us, got stuck in traffic) and withholding them for two weeks

Telling everyone including the children that there is a restraining order against DH and I (there is not as no reason for one and Ive never actually spoken to the woman) and stating we aren’t allowed within 300 metres of their house. Pretending she is frightened and will call the police if we park any nearer at pick up. Kids emerge crying and accusing DH of all sorts and scaring their mum. We just park where she says to keep the peace. She subsequently walks the kids (14 and 12) to the car every pick up, deliberately 2 minutes late, every single time), and stands about a foot away from
the car until we drive off

confiscating the children’s phones before we went on holiday and then visibly reading all the messages on our wider family wattsapp group as they were sent. For a week. Totally innocuous messages about ice cream and crabbing or whatever.

Her Partner calling/texting the children every twenty minutes of our holiday. DH eventually blocked him on DSS’s phone to get us all some peace. At handover after the holiday the partner attempted to assault DH in the car park. The children were told this was DH’s fault.

ordering a washing machine for her and partners new house using an old credit card of DH’s and refusing to pay the money back-and stating this was evidence of him exhibiting post separation financial abuse.

refusing to let the children attend their grandparents big family 50th wedding anniversary party (for about 4 hours on her time) because they had ‘plans’. When asked it emerged they had gone for a maccy d’s. Those were the plans.

Calling us child abusers for letting 14 year old DSS get a train for ten minutes from
local town to our town with his friend. Convincing DSS he had been endangered by this (even though he enjoyed it at the time and was fine). Withholding him and his brother because we are ‘unsafe’.

I mean there’s plenty more…she never really has a
day off and it’s been 6 years….

Everyman I’ve ever dated who has crazy exs turned out to be a shit himself. It could be they weren’t crazy, he just painted them that way; or he pushed them to the end of their tether.

Are you sure she’s blocking access and he doesn’t just have the opportunity to date and shag a new GF so rather than seeing his kid he’s choosing you. But saying she’s blocking access sounds better than I’m choosing a shag over my kid

I’m trying to understand circumstances where mums do block access.

But you're asking for stories ABOUT ex wives.

If you really wanted to understand, surely you'd ask for stories FROM ex wives?

Normally id agree with you

I've not met many 'mad' women (I have known one or two over the years but many are woman that have been pushed too far)

Dps ex was off the scale (and still is)

I mean,who drags a 13 year old out of bed at 4am to read from a piece of paper (full of bile) down the phone?

I have proof of all the debt she ran up in his name (twice),the fact she stabbed him with a knife and I've had women walk into my work to abuse me for him 'daring' to leave her

He told her that if she ran up any more debts he would leave her-she laughed and ran up another 20k on crap so he stayed true to his word and walked away from her (not his dc)and fought her for access but she did everything she could to stop it

I met him a year later

Today is our 11th anniversary and she's still at it-she runs on bile,spite and point scoring

If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes,id say the same as you-ive certainly been labelled 'the crazy ex'

I wasnt-id just been pushed too far but this ex is off the scale

Divorce ramps up a fierce hostility. No one acts nicely. That's life. 🤷‍♀️

My mum.

Parental alienation is real and the scars it leaves are deep.

It is not all she ever was. She was a wonderful mum until the divorce. She poorly resisted the temptation to load her kids up as projectiles in the weapon she was aiming at her former spouse. Our father got wounded, and by all accounts recovered. We kids shattered on impact. It was her worst act, in a moment when she was at her lowest ebb. But once the trigger was pulled she couldn’t stop because it would reveal how it the first act was based initially on malice and vengeance. And the web of lies falling would have collapsed her. So decades have passed with her protecting an entirely invented Truth.

Some people lie that they are being alienated.
Some people lie to alienate.
Most people stick to arguing the toss about which parent is the one fibbing.

The kids get relegated to being cannon fodder. Again.

I briefly dated a man with a "crazy ex". She did indeed prove herself crazy by harassing me for years just for the crime of dating him. She started an online campaign against me, claiming to anyone who would listen that I was sending her threatening emails every night encouraging her to kill herself and other deeply unpleasant things. I have had extensive amounts of therapy and I don't think I'm any closer to understanding why she did any of that.

The man himself turned out to be extremely abusive and a pathological liar though, so I wonder if his behaviour made her the way she is. I'm now much more skeptical of people who claim crazy exes, especially if there are multiple.

Fortunately never experienced it (i've been married almost 25 years) but my MIL was/is! Her ex husband has been happily married to someone else for 15 years, and she still talks about the telling off she's going to give him when he comes 'crawling back' 🙈😂

I also had her screaming a list of things we where not 'allowed' to do

I wasn't to walk down her street (I had no intention of doing so-i know her address but not where it is)

We where not to marry as 'I'm the only Mrs Jones!' (I did point out that his mum was the original Mrs Jones and was called a liar)

We where not to move in together

We where not allowed pets

We where not to have any sexual contact

We where not to have any dc together (I have my own adult children and don't want anymore)

I was to give up my job as she 'doesn't think women should work!' And then started to take the piss out of my job (not bad for a women whos never worked a day in her life)

I was not to watch 'her' TV (it was mine-hed left theirs at hers)

We had to pay all vet bills for her dog (the one she got after dp had left,refused to train and resented the poor thing)

I wasn't to wash any of his clothes

I wasn't allowed to buy anything (clothes/shoes/new phone/basics etc) as 'I'm putting my foot down!')

I still don't get that one either and safe to say,we ignored her on all points

She'd been warned not to run up any more debts or he'd leave,she promptly ran up 20k and laughed about it and had a shock when he looked her her,turned and walked out,never to go back

A year later,he met me so in her head,it's all my fault and I'm the ow

No experience personally but totally believe it happens. We know plenty of abusive men can be a monster in the home and an angel to the wider community. Not difficult to believe women can be the same, reserving their worst behaviour for those closest to them. Especially after a breakup which may have made them feel rejected, bitter, betrayed etc.

Whatever did he see in her?

It's complicated

He lost his sister to a disability and met her a few years later

She also had a (different) disability and he had very low self esteem

I think he thought (somewhere in his brain) 'nobody else will have me' and 'maybe I can 'save' her unlike me being able to save my sister'

The truth is waaayyy more complicated than I can ever understand but those are the basics

Then,when she started to abuse him,her felt trapped and had nowhere to go (they had their eldest dc by then) and she really ramped up the abuse by the time they had their second

By the time he'd had enough and left,they where tweens and wanted to stay with mum and he didn't want to uproot them more than he had to

He fought so hard for those kids (I saw it) and she did everything she could to stop him (and got away with it)

She'll die a lonely woman as both dc are very low contact with her now

A friend's now ex wife told police he had assaulted their son and had a gun so he ended up with armed police at his door. She then caused a lot of grief over a number of years over contact with the kids and they ended up choosing to live with their dad.

DH’s ex is something else, definitely has some sort of personality disorder. We are fully NC now, even though she apparently thinks we are heinous and the worst people in the world, she absolutely loathes that we don’t have any contact with her and still stamps her feet to anyone who will listen.

Honestly get out while you can, none of it is worth it really. I wouldn’t be still around if he wasn’t NC with her.