Friends reverse snobbery is wearing

[Redleaf1]

I have a friend I see regularly & lately her reverse snobbery & comments have been so wearing I don't even want to meet her for coffee , she is much worse after alcohol.

So basically she grew up in a nice working class area & family, she has since moved to a nicer area & is hell bent on her dc networking with the more affluent families. From what I gather her approach is off putting & results in her calling them snobs. After a few drinks she starts putting down other families & speculating on how much money they have, the source of it & saying wouldn't let my kids play with them etc..

It is all extremely wearing, I can't understand why she has such an inferiority complex & her need to be accepted by those she deems acceptable is destroying potential friendships for her dc..
Aibu to want to avoid?

No, it obviously all comes from a deep seated feeling of insecurity and a desire to fit in to the aspired group, but she is also immature and has no self awareness, so these things make it difficult to sympathise and make allowances for her. When I was younger I always wanted to try to fix people like this and get them on better terms with everyone else so they get the friends and the social group they so desperately want, but this can backfire and end up creating a social monster. Its really easier to accept that other peoples hang ups are not yours to fix, and find easier friends who arent so wearing, Good luck! There are so many lovely people out there, lifes too short to burn on the ones who are hard to carry, Sounds callous, but thats where I for one am right now.

Could you talk to her about it when she's sober?
If it breaks your friendship you're not losing much as she's being such a twat

Yet another Mn thread by a poster to whom it doesn’t seem to occur to talk to their ‘friend’ about the bothersome behaviour, but just to go straight for the nuclear option of ending the friendship. If it is a friendship.

I was just about to say this!

MN 'friends' are definitely a special breed.

Thanks for the reply, I do feel it comes from an inferiority complex but she has made gaffes in other groups where she wants her dc to be friends with the affluent kids & has put less wealthy families down.
It is very ,very draining. I have started calling her out lately as in "no one knows the source of anyone's finances" etc.
She is not elevating herself or her status by putting others down constantly...

Social climbers are horrible and she sounds particularly mean and nasty. I would start calling her Hyacinth Bucket and see if the penny drops.

In my experience as an old woman, people rarely change. This is because they can't help it. I would stop seeing her so frequently and if she asks why she doesn't see you so much these days, tell her. She probably won't believe you anyway, and accuse you of being jealous.

The problem is it seems to be backfiring on herself & the kids as she is trying to elevate herself by making disparaging remarks about where people are from or grew up.. then her dcs aren't invited to something & she calls the parents "snobs".
Also she wants to become friends with the parents not just let the dcs have a friendship.

I feel like I am being judged also!

Thank you! I'm just finding it very draining to be constantly hearing her belittle people or referring to people who weren't interested in friendships with her as snobs or users..

So tell her that?

I have said it inadvertently, I'm just coming on for a moan as I find her very draining. What even causes this behaviour? She came from a nice working class family & area ,now makes disparaging remarks about people from there & neighbouring areas.. it's not nice & is much worse after alcohol

Why are you friends with her? You find her draining. You don't like her behaviour and you don't like her attitudes to other people.

Why does half of Mumsnet not seem to understand that friends are meant to be people you like, not people you consider to be a massive chore?

This. I mean, either it's a friendship you value, in which case it's worth trying to salvage by talking to the person about whatever it is that is bothering you and potentially damaging an otherwise valued relationship.

Or it's not a friendship because you simply don't like the person, have no desire to salvage a relationship that doesn't exist, so there's no problem, is there? You're just sounding off about her on the internet.

Just back away and do a slow fade on the friendship. She sounds completely tiresome, so stop bothering and move her from 'friend' territory to 'acquaintance'.

That principle of friendship applies when you are very young. When we are young, life is all black or white - I like this person, I don’t like this person.
When approaching middle age, a lot of women with young kids feel isolated and are willing to put up with those with whom they share some similarities. It seems like op and her friend both have similar age kids. It’s hard to make new friends after certain age and that’s the reason why so many women put up with not so ideal friends. Maybe you and the other poster is lucky in the sense that you have opportunities to meet people or circumstances to retain old friendships but why it’s so hard to understand that it’s not always the case.

This is exactly it, I have no interest in confrontation even though I have been arguing back lately saying "you never know about people's finances ", "that area is fine" etc.. it's her inferiority complex that's just so frustrating. I actually have never really come across someone like this before.
It's like she thinks running other families & areas into the ground (including where she grew up)it's going to make her appearance "posh" to use one of her words.

😂friends without benefits

I'm 54 years old, and there is absolutely nothing to be gained for me in tolerating the company of people I don't value. If anything, I'm far fussier about who I spend my time with than I was in my teens and twenties, but if I were the loneliest person in the world, I would not be spending my valuable time on the kind of insecure socially-aspirant type the OP describes, and whom she is obviously (understandably) extremely irritated by.

Maybe she has some very good qualities which more than compensate for her tiresome snobbery (it's not reverse snobbery, OP, just snobbery -- a reverse snob would be mocking things associated with wealth or high status or a higher social class, while insisting that being working-class makes you authentic/morally superior), but the OP doesn't mention them.

Does no one laugh at her, OP?

Is it possible she’s just having a tipsy bitching session? I say all sorts of rubbish when I’m drunk. But also, class issues do exist and people judge each other all the time, to pretend otherwise I feel is disingenuous.

No she's like that if we meet for a coffee catch up also... much worse after alcohol though. From what I've gathered the families she wants to socialise with have spurrned her advances after a couple of playdates & she then calls them snobs & users but keeps trying to organise playdates as she says her kids don't want to play with anyone else..

Thanks for the reply & yes it is irritating. I think at this stage the families she wants her dc playing with avoid, she is always trying to find out who my dc are playing with or what bday parties they are going to, it's tiresome.

She's worked hard to climb out of the crabs in a bucket mentality that is part and parcel of the working class community, I applaud her for watching out for her children and wanting the best for them.

Sounds like she’s taking rejection personally which is really common.

You could try a few distraction techniques:

”let’s not focus on them, how’s your mum getting on…”

”maybe they’re just not your people. I’d move into make other friends myself…”.

It’s possible she’s just vocalising what she’s experiencing though. Her child is friends wit their children and she’s tried to make a friendship and it’s not worked. It’s likely a personality clash but very possible it’s linked to class, background and wealth. Some people really are that shallow where they only socialise with those they consider equal or the same. Maybe she’s picked up on that and is finding it hard to move on from it so is ranting to you as her friend.

If you are her friend, why not have a quiet word that her obsession with others is ruining the time you spend together? A warning shot to give her a chance for self-reflection before fully nuking the friendship. I don't understand why people don't just talk!

But it's the fact that she has to comment on others that she thinks aren't as affluent or well to do constantly, it's not nice & doesn't elevate her, it's isolating her..