To not socialise with school mums in future

[Warmfluffyjumper]

I have been on a couple of (tame) nights out with the schools mums that are interested in socialising 15-20 people, they are all friendly but I cant help but feel they are not my people. I have friends outside of school but I have tried to socialise with the mums with youngest DCs year but I find it hard. Many friendships have already been formed and I am trying to be friendly but there isn't anyone I really click with. I cant really relax and be myself, I do feel like there are mums like me in the other class (2 class intake). This isn't first child, my eldest there was no social gatherings as such at those age due to covid and that was so much better. I feel pressured to join in for fear of being left out.

How do I go through 5 more years of school without the forced fake socialisation or feeling left out?

How do those of you that just cut everyone off do it without causing problems for your child? Its a very cliquey school.

You suck it up for the sake of your child. It's where play dates are arranged, find out which outside school activities there are etc. They will be helpful in emergencies or shared school runs. It's not about you.

Nights out sounds like a lot. I socialise with school Mums with cup of tea here and there, chats at pick ups/drop offs. Never in groups of 15-20, and at night.

So what you are saying is this is normal and everyone just sucks it up so most are in the same boat, faking it for the sake of the kids?

We do lots of after school activities for both DC so that's not the issue.

Yes! That's like I had with eldest DC 1 its just so intense with DC 2. I feel at this stage if I didnt join in we'd be pushed to the side. But would that be so bad 🤔

I clicked with a couple of mums, the rest were not a good fit. For primary I went along and smiled, did my bit. DS is 22 now and the two people I clicked with are two of my closest friends , the rest I say i
'hi' to but nothing more. I faked it but also found two people really special and important to my life.

Pull back and don’t attend night outs, you don’t have to be fake. Say hi in the playground, chat about your kids or the teacher be polite and go on with your day. It’s the same as colleagues at work, you don’t have to be friends but you can polite and friendly. These people aren’t your friends they are acquaintances so treat them so.

I just enjoyed whatever events I chose to go too, why do perfectly 'normal' fully functional groen adults revert back to being 8yo drama filled parents

Schools are there for a reason why do parents seem to wallow in drama, just do what you need to do there and get a life outside the school

I would put money on it tailing off. Maybe show up for the next one (if there even is one) then don’t show up to any more if you don’t enjoy it. I think showing willing twice demonstrates you’re a friendly face and is plenty

You sound like you’re massively overthinking it. Like others say, I’d go to the next one to see how it is and then maybe be busy for the next one. That gets you through most of the school year. Maybe organise a coffee with a few you do get on with most? Dont even worry about the “cliques” - if you don’t put pressure on it and just see it as good for your child wouldn’t you relax and enjoy it a bit more?

Surely they don't happen often? Maybe twice a year at Christmas and summer.
They don't have to be your best friends but its good to be friendly and sociable. Who knows what'll happen over 5 years, you could really click with someone.
And its always good to be friendly with your child's friends parents so that you can do each other favours like party drop offs or emergency child care.
Its good to have people to discuss things with that effect your children that are going through the same thing such as picking a secondary school.
What's the negative of going along to the odd night out?

How do those of you that just cut everyone off do it without causing problems for your child

Cutting everyone off seems a bit dramatic. You don’t have to go on nights out with them, just make polite conversation while waiting for the school gate to open.

This is what I mean really. Just cut off the Social side. It's definitely a very cliquey year group. A lot of first time mums, I feel like if you were a parent who didnt get involved socially you would end up getting pushed out.

This is classic FOMO.

Don't want to go but don’t want to miss out. If you don’t enjoy it don’t go.

Meet up individually now and again for a cuppa.

But in a two class intake there must be loads of mums who aren’t involved in that.

What do you mean ‘tame’?

Hmmm… I don’t agree with this.

You don’t need to meet up with them for fear of missing out on play dates, your child will make friends regardless.

It took me a few years to not give a shit. Now I only meet up with mums I genuinely like. Being a mum is hard enough, let alone feeling like you have to spend evenings socialising for them kids sake too.

Just remember that most mums friends don’t keep in touch once the kids have gone to secondary - it feels cliquey now but they’ll disperse. So just take what you want from the situations and leave what you don’t want.

I never went on nights out with other school mums.

If they're not that often I would still go, at least for part of the evening. And if they're more than a couple of times a year just don't go to all of them. Unless you actively dislike them, I would keep going just to be sociable.

I think it's fine for you to knock this on the head. You don't have to use your limited free time on nights out you don't enjoy.
I have three good "mum" friends, one through NCT and two through nursery. I'm open to making more pals next year in September, but if it doesn't happen I really don't mind. My daughter is far more social in nature than I am, so I'm sure there will be plenty of play dates and I'm very happy to have a coffee and a chat with any other parent during those without needing us to be properly friends who seek each others company away from the kids.
So I think you're not being unreasonable at all.

Only go if you want to go and not because you feel you have to. Some school mums may become friends for life, but most won’t. I used to socialise with about 8 - 10 school mums when my DC were at primary school. Coffee mornings, occasional lunches, once a week meeting at the local pub, very occasional venture into town for a proper night out, even less
occasional weekends away. I am still friends with 3 of those mums now, and we’re all grandparents now.

You don’t need to meet up with them for fear of missing out on play dates, your child will make friends regardless.

But it's the parents that arrange play dates in primary school. Spending time with parents socially is also an opportunity to find out who you can and can't trust to look after your child should there be an emergency or if even if your DC wanted to play at their home.

It's cliquey and can be annoying and most likely no one will keep in contact in a few years when the kids start secondary school. I treat them almost like a business meeting, have fun and don't invest too much in the relationships. They can be superficial but its also a chance to have a night off from child care!

I presume your child is in Reception? There will be an initial burst of enthusiasm, and then it will definitely dwindle into a smaller groups meeting up for the occasional coffee.

Be polite and friendly at the school gates. Do the odd favour for other mums and know which ones you can call on for a pick up when running late from work. Arrange the occasional playdate. Beyond that you definitely don't need to make a .major effort to socialise if you don't want to

I never made close friends with school mums on a big night out. Too many people, too performative, big personalities. The lasting friendships happened gradually and came from being invited in for a coffee/ glass of wine after a play date (I never forced the play date thing. It was driven by play dates happening as the DCs genuinely got on) . I hated the overwhelmingness of pick ups abs drop offs. I have 3 close friends from my DCs time at primary and 2 or 3 from their time at secondary. Again these just came from being in touch re making arrangements if they had been somewhere and happened naturally over time as you suss out if you get on or not (but quite unconsciously) . Those nights out make me shudder! One on one much more conducive to forming a lasting friendship.

I don’t think there needs to be any big decisions re cutting people off. Just let things unfold in time.

They don’t need play dates. They’re great to have but they spend 5 days a week playing with them. It’s actually better, in my opinion, for children to make new friends at hobbies with children they don’t attend school with.

We don’t feel we need other families to have our kids. Totally understand some families do, but we have grandparents for the odd date night and otherwise we’re generally together as a family or running them around to clubs etc.

When they’re Y3 onwards, you can drop and go so play dates can happen even if you don’t know the parents well. Doesn’t have to be at their home, could be at a park etc.

Personally I wouldn't leave my year 3 child in a park or a friends home with parents I didn't know well as I didn't want to socialise with them.