AIBU...Alone at Xmas yet again!

[TheFunDog]

I've got used to my partner not being with me at Xmas, or so I thought.

Relationship over 30 years together, currently living apart.

He visits his family 200 miles away every Xmas, usually tries to come back Xmas eve late or Xmas day early.

He intimated he wasn't going this year and I thought how nice that would be, but he's just informed me that he is going and im really annoyed although more sad I suppose.

I know Xmas is only a few days and I'll have my own family for some of the time.
I also feel he should be with his kids at Xmas if that is what he wants but I'm still feeling really upset.

Any 'helpful' advice?

Have you never gone with him, in thirty years? Is going with him rather than being alone even an option?

Can't you ask if you can go? Obviously if there's some issue, like his family blame you for a marriage break up, then it's different. Not asking as it is none of my business, but my point is that unless there's some reason, I don't see why they should mind one more person coming? You could of course offer a contribution towards your costs, if they're struggling. But if one of my guests asked if they could bring someone who'd be alone otherwise, we'd squash them in somehow!

You post does make sense.
You said you're alone at Christmas and then said he tries to come back either Christmas eve or Christmas day morning, which means you're not alone at Christmas.

So when will he be away and when will he be back?

Go with him…

He comes back late on Christmas Eve or early on Christmas Day, so you’re not alone on Christmas Day. Is Christmas Eve really that important to you?

And you’ve been with him for 30 years - why is this suddenly a dealbreaker now?

But he is with you surely if he's back for Christmas Day?

I’m so confused.

You said he’s never there for Xmas but he’s back by late Xmas Eve or Xmas morning - this doesn’t make sense.

You said your 30 year relationship is over, but now you expect him with you at Xmas - again this doesn’t make sense.

@TheFunDog can you explain a little better the situation.

Relationship is over 30 years old.

Ah that makes more sense.

@TheFunDog yes, Xmas should be with you and his children but if he’s back Xmas Eve or Xmas morning like he always is, then I can’t see the issue.

Do you mean he comes back New years Eve or New Years day?

What family will you see? And when?

After 30 years how is his family not your family and you both go? Does he have a double life?

Go with him..
Stay in your own accommodation if you want some time with just the two of you.

So, he visits his adult children (who presumably are over 30) at Christmas and you're not invited?

You say you've been together for thirty years but then from the rest of your post, it sounds like your connection is rather loose or off-and-on or something. Also, I'm not sure what you're after here.

As far as Christmas though, if he's inconsistent about including you and you spend the day alone if he's not there, then you may be giving him too much power in your life.

Why not try to start a new tradition? There's still plenty of time until Christmas. Is there anyone you could share Christmas with, maybe some friends, family or neighbors who will also be alone? You could suggest a potluck dinner and small gift exchange. Or you could probably find somewhere to volunteer on Christmas Day, serving a holiday meal to disadvantaged people.

And if this guy doesn't prioritize you enough, maybe you'd be better off to just let him go completely. Good luck.

She says she has her own family some of the time so not totally alone. @TheFunDog why are you separated and why after 30 years are you not accepted by his family? You need to give more context

She does, but then the title of her post is "Alone at Xmas again" so I don't know what to think...

A relationship of over 30 years and you are currently not living together?

Sounds like Xmas is only the tip of the iceberg. Are you used to accepting whatever breadcrumbs he deems to throw at you?

Cannot make sense of this. It sounds as if he has a double life. He has kids and a family you’ve never visited yet you’ve been together 30 years.

OP is he married and you’ve been the on/off OW for 30 years?

There are a lot of strange things about this post, like why she can't go with him to visit the family, but not living together isn't one of them.

It's increasingly common for couples to not live together. I don't live with my partner of 7 years, and have no plans to ever. We do however spend Christmas together, along with the rest of the family, including each other's families.

Why don’t you go with him?
Does he live with you?
How old are the kids and do they live with you or his ex-partner?
It doesn’t sound as if you’ll be on your own if he comes back on Christmas Eve or in the morning?

Have you never gone with him?

Does your family include your DC?

Why can't you go with him?
Why do you never offer to host?
Why don't you live together?
Were you the AP?
Why don't you see your family on Christmas day?

Im sorry my post is a little confusing, hard to explain it all, but can I just say that reading your posts has given me clarity with my thoughts.... which is what I wanted.
He's been to his family every Xmas for the last few years, I feel the reason I felt really upset was the fact that this year was going to be different and then of course it isn't.
My upset was caused by my sadness that I thought i was to be prioritised for once, then finding out I wasnt... then you all making me realise that because he gets back for Xmas, he is prioritising me!!
Thanks mumsnetters!!

You had problems with him at Easter too. And with his children. Is it less of a Christmas problem and more a general relationship problem?