To think DP is BU about “random man” staying over?

[SunnyPanda]

Looking to see if I'm by here!

We used to live in an area about an hour half - two hours away but moved to our current area when dd (now 21) was 8/9, she started a new school and drifted from most of her friends from previous area except one boy.

They’ve always talked but sometimes going for months at a time without talking then talking a lot etc, just depending on their lives especially now they’re adults. He’s a lovely boy

They don’t see eachother in person that much because despite the fact it’s not that far away, they have their own lives/jobs/friends etc but they do see eachother every now and then

I hadn’t seen him for over a year, but this weekend he’s come to see dd, they went to a football match earlier and out for food and he’s going to stay over which is absolutely fine

My partner, who knew this since last week when dd said x is coming to visit this weekend, has suddenly said he’s not comfortable with him staying as his DDs are staying over this weekend. He originally said he didn’t want a random drunk man staying over, but they got back and he’s not drunk (i don’t think they even drank any alcohol), he then said he acts like he’s on something which isn’t true, he then mentioned how he doesn’t stand still when sometimes talking to him etc and when i mentioned ND, he went on a huge rant about self diagnosis etc which again isn’t true, i remember him being diagnosed when he was in dds class and me having no idea about adhd prior to that, this would’ve been in around 2012ish

He then just carried on saying he doesn’t feel comfortable with it

AIBU??

YANBU. What are the bedroom arrangements?

I think there are a number of questions that need answering really. Did your DD ask if he can stay over or did she just tell you? How long have you lived with your DP? Is it your property or a joint one? And how old are his DDs?

How old are his daughters?
i understand him being uncomfortable with a strange (to him) man being in the house with assuming his under age daughters.

Statistically One of the biggest risks to a child is an unrelated man in the house.

that being said he has handled it badly. This should have been communicated and sorted before now.

it is unfair to your daughter and her friend to go back on your promise at this late stage.

i would allow him to stay but monitor sleeping arrangements and supervision carefully (even if this means you guys arent getting much sleep)

His dds share a room (formally my elder ds’s room), dd has her own room which is where her friend will also be sleeping and then younger ds room but he’s at his dads

Your partner can sleeping. Either his daughters if he’s worried 🤷‍♀️

it’s your daughters house too so he shouldn’t get to dictate who can and can’t stay

does he live with you or is he visiting? Who owns the house

YANBU he's being a weirdo.

His dd are 11 & 12 (nearly 13)

Exactly. I hate it when men act like this, seems quite controlling, and if he's suggesting men can't be trusted, what does that say about him? His daughters are quite likely to want their own boyfriends to visit in the coming years (and of course they might be lesbians/asexual, I'm not assuming every woman dates men, but have male friends they want to stay over).

Hmmm in some ways you don’t know much about the man as your dd has had limited contact with him- also I doubt he’d tell her if he’s into young kids or he’s been looking at indecent images.

I think regardless of where he sleeps your dp’s girls need to be protected as much as possible- can dp stay in their room or you leave your bedroom door wide open if it’s near theirs? Although if you are heavy sleepers there’s no point.

I remember as a teen my boyfriend being allowed to stay over but only sleep downstairs- he would come upstairs to my room and wake me in the middle of the night to my mums snoring - she had no idea, neither did I til he woke me. I had younger siblings. I know he didn’t and wouldn’t have done anything to them but you know what- I can’t be 100% sure can I as I didn’t wake up so anything could have happened.

However it is unfair for your dp to make the rules and change his mind tonight so YANBU there.

You have to let the friend stay but I think dp stays with his dd’s then everyone is protected 😊

I’d point out that your DD has known this lad for longer than she’s known your DP so if anyone is the strange man here he is!

Yes I understand his worry.

Your 21 should be able to have a male friend stay over but there are young girls in the house too so your DH is right and their safety needs to come first. Nobody knows who is or isn’t a paedophile, so you just don’t take any risks. I wouldn’t allow it either.

Im surprised of the answers here

I would be worried too if i was him and to be honest i would stay in the bedroom with his daughters if ot was me

So many people say they wouldnt allow their daughter on sleep overs / they wouldnt allow them to sleep at a house that has a unrelated male there
So why is this any different?

Im not saying i wouldnt allow your daughters friend to stay. But i would take extra steps to protect his young daughters

It’s DH’s home too, he should be able to say he doesn’t want a guest.

Why can’t the friend stay in a hotel nearby?

So your partner is boss of your house and who your children see?

You have brought a controlling man into your life and that of your children.

He's ranting at you?
Calling this lad drunk and on stuff?
Awful behaviour.
Why have you allowed him take over your home?

Is he more important than your daughter?

Have a long hard think about your choices.
He needs to see his children elsewhere.

So he has moved in with you and uses your home to see his children?
And now he controls the house?

If he is so concerned he should sleep on the floor in his daughters room.

There is nothing more awful that parents that put a new partner ahead of their own children in their home.

How did the night go @SunnyPanda

Your husband is right. A unrelated male who is not in a long term relationship shouldn't be staying over (which practically involves him being free to roam the house at night, since your husband and you will be sleeping) with younger women present.

I'm with your partner here. Safety of the girls would be my priority. I have a 16 year old son and an 11 year old daughter. My son's friends are not allowed upstairs unsupervised if my daughter is up there.

The 21 year old daughter has known the lad since they were 8 or 9.

On which planet is he an unknown male who is likely to be a paedo and go and attack 2 girls aged 12 and 13 in another room?

FFS - your 'D'P is being utterly ridiculous and all the paranoia on this thread is next level.

Oh - I forgot - we have to have nasty and suspicious minds 24/7??!?

How long have you been with your partner and who owns the house?

Blended families are a bloody nightmare. 🙄

OP has said her DD and this man have gone months without speaking.

The father has young daughters in the house, he is perfectly entitled to protect his daughters and say he doesn't want this man staying over.

If he had concerns (fair enough) , he should’ve talked about them when he found out he was coming, not the day of. Then you would’ve had time to think of some extra measures to put in place or change plans somehow. If he’s that concerned though, he can stay up all night or sleep in with his girls.

He needs his own house then. Not one with an adult young woman of no relation to him, who is going to want to have friends and boyfriends over.

He is being ridiculous. And it would be incredibly unfair not to allow him to stay at this late stage, if he had concerns he should have brought them up at the time. He sounds a bit controlling really, making a drama out of a total non issue. If he’s worried about his girls tell him to sleep in their room on the floor, bet he wouldn’t be up for that either.

The young woman doesn’t own the house. So she needs to defer to the care givers in the house and their judgement.

When she has her own place, she can invite people over without restrictions.

Technically DP is an unrelated male living in the home of OPs daughter and as much of a risk to her as the guest to his daughters, though? So where do women draw the line?