To think DP is BU about “random man” staying over?

[SunnyPanda]

Looking to see if I'm by here!

We used to live in an area about an hour half - two hours away but moved to our current area when dd (now 21) was 8/9, she started a new school and drifted from most of her friends from previous area except one boy.

They’ve always talked but sometimes going for months at a time without talking then talking a lot etc, just depending on their lives especially now they’re adults. He’s a lovely boy

They don’t see eachother in person that much because despite the fact it’s not that far away, they have their own lives/jobs/friends etc but they do see eachother every now and then

I hadn’t seen him for over a year, but this weekend he’s come to see dd, they went to a football match earlier and out for food and he’s going to stay over which is absolutely fine

My partner, who knew this since last week when dd said x is coming to visit this weekend, has suddenly said he’s not comfortable with him staying as his DDs are staying over this weekend. He originally said he didn’t want a random drunk man staying over, but they got back and he’s not drunk (i don’t think they even drank any alcohol), he then said he acts like he’s on something which isn’t true, he then mentioned how he doesn’t stand still when sometimes talking to him etc and when i mentioned ND, he went on a huge rant about self diagnosis etc which again isn’t true, i remember him being diagnosed when he was in dds class and me having no idea about adhd prior to that, this would’ve been in around 2012ish

He then just carried on saying he doesn’t feel comfortable with it

AIBU??

Yanbu - he needs to wise up

He is being unreasonable tbh as your daughter has known her friend for longer than she’s known him.
Also if he was so concerned he could have arranged his daughters to stay a different night.
Utter nonsense

He should have said something sooner but he’s right to not want an unknown adult man sleeping over in the house with his daughters. I say unknown as presumably the girls don’t know him. If I were their mum, I’d be upset that they’d been put in this situation and would query the judgement of both the ex and the step mum in keeping them safe and comfortable while they’re with their dad.

Aside from the safety aspect, the girls may have felt very unsettled- hearing a strange male voice in the house late at night, not wanting to go for a wee in the night in case they see him on the landing, not wanting to come down for breakfast in their pjs etc. I would hate to think they hadn’t been relaxed during all that time.

I think your daughter should have known better to suggest it, knowing they’d be there, and your first instinct should have been to say ‘the girls will be here, I’ll have to have a chat with DH and his ex wife about it’ when she’d asked you the week before (assuming she did ask).

Well that's why I asked who owns the house. I think if he has been in DDs life a long time then maybe it's different but I feel sorry for her.

Let's face it, loads of 21 year olds struggle to move out because of the cost of housing.

It seems like she did ask and OP said it was ok. It's only last minute the partner has said he doesn't like it.

I agree with @AnonyMumAuDHD . He was statistically a bigger risk to the OPs daughter than this young man staying for one night.

So if you had a 21 year old an 11 and 12 year old the eldest would never be allowed a boyfriend to stay over?

And yet he was an unknown man staying over with OPs daughter?

He’s staying in the DD’s room ffs.

Yes, unrelated men in a teenage/young girl's space is not pleasant. How do you think your daughter felt when your partner rocked up?

Yes, step dads / partners of mums are also a risk that have to be managed v carefully.

Your poor DD, first she’s made to live with this loon & his kids, and now he’s dictating who she’s allowed to have in her home.

This is quite OTT. What about if DD has a boyfriend? Is he barred from the house on the grounds of being an assumed peado permanently also?

The unknown male is just DP’s most recent reason given, he didn’t have that as his first thought!
DP was an unknown/unrelated male in with your daughters.
DP sounds a bit controlling, if this is not a one off control attempt, think carefully if you really want this forever & him to drive your DC’s away.
If he is genuinely concerned purely for his dd’s welfare, then a lock/door stop/hotel door lock would be sensible for anytime non household members are staying over.
Did you buy together? Him move into yours? You move into his?

In that case the DP shouldn’t stay over either as he is living with an unrelated woman he isn’t in a relationship with.

Exactly.....but that's different.🙄

"No man as loving as one that needs a home for him and his children."

Not the first time on MN that I have read of them becoming demanding and controlling once they get their feet under the table.

Was DH unaware that the friend was staying over? I bet DD has known her friend longer than you knew DH before he stayed over with DD in the house.

He can sleep with his DDs if he’s that concerned but it’s bloody unlikely this chap is going to leave DDs room and go off to do anything.

I think there are competing needs here: your DP reasonably wants to protect his daughters from a strange (to him and them) man potentially wandering the house when they're sleeping. Your daughter reasonably wants to have her friend visit for the weekend which reasonably includes his staying overnight. Since the younger girls are only with you part time the logical thing would be to have the friend stay over on a weekend when they're not with you/have them stay with their mum on the night(s) the friend is there. But deciding after everything has been arranged and the friend has been invited and is there and ready to go to sleep that he can't stay isn't reasonable. The only real options at that point would be for your partner to sleep in the girls' room with them or to give them a wedge to stick under the door but either one is going to require some explanation to the girls. Perhaps he'll be willing to think and plan ahead next time?

It's not the daughter's house. It's her temporary home. A house always belongs to the adults who are paying for it. The adults support the children into their own, permanent homes. That's the natural order. The adults decide what happens in their (permanent) homes. And in particular where other, vulnerable children are present.

This isn't some random man staying in your house as your partner is suggesting. It's your oldest daughter's boyfriend. Has your partner been so out of touch he doesn't know this?
Your oldest needs the opportunity to develop emotionally and physically, and at home is the safest place to do that for her. A boyfriend staying over with the oldest child is new for every family and I don't think you can prevent it for her due to your partner's opinion.
Supposing he had an older daughter who wanted to bring a boyfriend home, what would his response be? What is his plan when his oldest daughter eventually gets to having a boyfriend stay over? Will it be a no to protect the younger one? This could cause resentment.
I think there are some important parenting discussions to have.

I suppose not.

DD has had to cope with "unrelated" stepfather all these years - Christ, time for a bit of payback.