To confront him for disappearing again?

[PumpkinCandy]

My ex hasn’t seen our children in 3 years. A couple of months ago, he sent me a really long email apologising for the past, explaining his behaviour, saying he cared about the children, wanted a fresh start and would like to see them again if we were comfortable with it. He also said he wanted to start sending money towards the children monthly, something he claimed he’d wanted to do for a long time.

I replied because, despite everything, I thought it must have taken a lot for him to put himself out there like that (it was a really long emotional email). The email sounded vulnerable, and I felt it would be harsh to ignore it. I genuinely thought maybe he’d had some sort of epiphany and wanted to make an effort to see them.

We spoke a bit after that, he sent the odd text checking up on them and he sent some money, saying he’d send it monthly. Then one day he asked how the children were, I replied, and that was it. Nothing since. No more contact, no more money. It’s been over two months since he last contacted or sent any money.

I’m not bothered about the money. I’m more angry with myself for falling for it again and thinking things might finally be different. But I’m also angry with him. Why send such a long, emotional email after three years, saying all these things, only to disappear again two months later? What was the point of reopening the door in the first place?

Part of me wants to message him and tell him exactly what I think. Not because I want him to send money or because I’m desperate for him to see the children, but because I feel like he shouldn’t be able to keep doing this without ever being confronted about it.

He gets to come back when he feels like it, say what he wants to say and then disappear again, while I’m left wondering why I even bothered responding. I know I can’t make him be a father, but I’m sick of this cycle.

Would you confront him, or would you just leave him to it? I feel like if I say nothing, he gets to walk away again without ever having to acknowledge what he’s done. I hate that he gets to think this is ok without ever being called out on it.

Yes, I'd confront him.
I'd give him a piece of my mind.

And if he ever in the future tried this shit again, I'd completely ignore him.

This is the only answer you need.

He's a waste of space and it's a shitty thing for him to do! I don't think I'd bother with a confrontation. What impact will it have, it won't change him or his behaviour. I would however block and delete and never respond to ANYTHING ever again.

It probably wouldn’t have an impact but at least it would make me feel better, so theres always that.

Reply to his long email with 'And the Booker Prize for fiction goes to...' then block him.

At a guess, he wanted to impress his latest girlfriend, that relationship lasted 10 minutes, is now over, and he doesn't need to bother any more.

Express your disgust and contempt, and then block him.

Did he see the children himself in this time? How old are they?

I'd send the email, but calmly and objectively set out the facts. He had been absent and no visits/texts/calls for X period. Then big long email, regular contact for X and X £ given for x amount of time and now nothing, no contact of money for X period. Depending on the children's ages I'd then say that he is thier father and a relationship with them will be up to them in the future.

I would only do this so when the time comes and he tries to blame you for the lack of contact and money (and he will) that you have a dated, factual, non-emotional.emakl to show them.

You have done all your can here. Treat this like a HR exercise, objective and evidenced based. Is also put in a claim for CSA as he can clearly afford to pay but is choosing not to. It sounds like he'd fuss about paying and not seeing them but it would die out and you'd at least have that money for them

No, I wouldn't confront. Don't give him the satisfaction.

He knows who he is, so do you, so do the kids.

Write everything you want to say on paper then burn it so the kids can never find it.

And don't fall for it again.

CMS! The money is for your kids

Why do men feel they can just walk away?? Us women don't seem to have any choice (not that I'd abandon my kids like my ExH is doing). Write the email, tell him exactly what you think of him and then delete him out of your life. File for CMS as why should he get away with not contributing financially?? You can't make him coparent, he's obviously way too selfish, but make him pay up!!! Too many men are getting away with not paying for their children but this is what the CMS is for.
It's frustrating and upsetting what he's doing. My ex is about to move 3 hours away from us. I've told him he's a selfish horrible bastard. They need calling out!!!

I’m not bothered about the money

come again? This is money for your children @PumpkinCandy . Be bothered

He never actually got together with the kids just sent you email enquiries?

I wouldn't bother confronting him to be honest. He's a tosser and will be quite aware that his behaviour is shitty and he doesn't care.

What I would do is put in a claim for CMS. He should be supporting his children financially. Other than that, I would ignore any further communication from him.

I have a case with Cms but he pays absolute pennies because he fiddles the system, he knows I know this but dont have the proof so I guess part of him maybe felt guilty about that as he gets away with paying a couple of pounds a week. I actually was about to close the Cms claim before he contacted as I made peace with never receiving anything and have learnt to adapt to that but thought I’d give him the chance to do the right thing. I know people will disagree with closing the claim.

He hasn’t seen them for three years
He commits tax fraud
he doesn’t pay for his children

I would report him for fraud
I would be delighted he’s no influence at all in my kids lives

Totally weird to actually close the claim but there’s a lot weird about this all tbh

Did you closed the claim OP?
I don't think he's worried about your feelings OP, confronting him would be a waste of your time. I don't understand why you fell for it

I responded as PP already pointed out he could say to the children I tried to contact you but your mum didnt respond and blocked all contact, the email was also very emotional and he made a comment about showing up which I wouldn’t want and that would be unsettling for them when they haven’t seen him in 3 years so there are reasons why I responded.

@PumpkinCandy I voted YABU because the man clearly has huge mental health issues - sending an email like that isn't done lightly. It's not like he just rocked up and wanted to see the kids.

He no doubt sent a very long email at the time and genuinely meant that he wanted to keep in touch and send money, but with MH issues, that isn't always sustainable.

Yes, he is still a dick for abandoning you and the kids, but probably a dick with MH issues.

I wouldn't have a go at him. I'd send him an email asking if everything is OK.

Mental health issues isnt a reason for this, plenty of parents have mental health issues and manage not to abandon their kids?

What did your other threads say when you asked? I mean the only advice I have given on all of them is to ignore him and I am sure you were told not to respond to him to begin with but you did and now he is gone again. He is shit and there is nothing you can do about it.

Also most men dont just “rock up to see the kids” after years of absence they send an email / text so im not sure that proves anything

I didn’t ask if I should confront him, I asked why he would bother to send such a long email after years to only disappear again, but the more I think about it the more I feel why should he get away without anything being said about it

Nobody but him knows why he did it but if you are the poster that had to move home because of him then perhaps it was just to get your address. Who knows but usually it is about control and it is working because he is now in your head all over again. Men like this love to play cat and mouse.

in any communication with an ex always reply as if a court could read it.