Segregated from family

[SoManyBooksSoLittleTime]

I don't know if I'm feeling unnecessarily sorry for myself here. I have a disabled sibling and, during family events as a child, I always stayed with her and looked after her. I was, however, really sociable with visiting family, never caused problems. I moved out at 18 as I was told I did nothing to support the family and was really selfish. I know I'm still massively resentful of this.

I believe in the Glass Child Syndrome. Literally everyone being hyperfixated on the disabled child to the extent no one even considers the other.

I'm literally at the stage where I have no other family in this country except my internal family, parents and sister. I was never invited to weddings. This weekend is a big family meet up. First in about 5 years. I am not just not invited, I'm not even considered. This is a first cousin's family. I haven't seen them since my Aunt's funeral 8 years ago. I spent lots of time with them at that. I wasn't invited to their daughter's wedding though.

The external family is tiny. I' m angry at them and at my parents for ignoring my existence. I will look after my sister until one of us dies, yet when my parents pass on, I literally have no external family at all. Im gutted because I feel so inconsequential. My parents think I have a problem in complaining.

Gentle advice please

Can you clarify a bit more. Is your main family eg mum dad and sister going to the weddings and funerals etc or your whole family doesn’t get invited to wider family things

My parents and sister went to the wedding. This time they are travelling to my parents for the weekend. They are going to their house for a day for a meal and the next day is everyone meeting in a restaurant. First cousin there, his two adult daughters, babies . Everyone. I just wanted an invite to restaurant

You need to let them know if you want to be included. Do you want to be invited?

Parents are annoyed I brought it up and said I should just go to the restaurant. I don't have the confidence to just turn up. I don't feel wanted

So your parents and your sister are being invited to family events but you’re not?? OP that’s awful, have you spoken directly to your parents about this?! You are a brilliant sister by the way xxx

Have you tried to organise meet ups? Do you keep in contact with them, calls or texts?

My parents don't meet with them very often. I don't even have their contact details. I have no phone numbers, email nothing.

You moved out at 18 as you were told you were selfish and did nothing to support the family? By who?

If you don't have their contact details, it indicates you don't stay in touch, so why would you be invited?

Do you have regular contact with your cousin?

If you don't, I wouldn't expect to be invited.

So are you going to your parents house to see them? Was it not a general invite along the lines of we will come to you (parents) on Saturday and all meet up for lunch in x place on Sunday expecting you to be at your parents and therefore part of the invite?

Why would they invite you? How would they invite you with no contact details. Your mum has told you to go to the restaurant. Go, talk to them, build a relationship. You shouldn't be complaining about not being invited when you've done nothing to develop/maintain a relationship. It works both ways.

Some people just aren’t close to any of their extended family - that’s not abnormal. Especially in western countries where there is much less of an emphasis placed on extended family relationships.

Neither I nor my husband are close to our siblings as we don’t have anything in common and don’t live anywhere near each other. As a result, our kids don’t really know their aunts, uncles or cousins. My kids haven’t been invited to any of their cousins’ weddings, and they’re not bothered in the slightest - they don’t know them.

They are a lot older than me. I was not invited to anything once I left home. Or for next 20 years

I’m a bit confused but I’m sorry you’re sad 💐

I think it’s time to spend less time being sad about not being on good terms with people who have never shown much interest in you and more time building connections with people who will value you.

Do you have any friends?

Why did no one think i was worth seeing again?

No. They don't ask about me. I invited them all to.my wedding . Years ago. Then they never asked after me.

You haven’t given nearly enough context here for anyone to be able to hazard a guess as to exactly what has gone down between you and your relatives, but I really don’t think not being invited to this particular wedding is the huge event you are making it out to be.

You haven’t seen them in 8 years. And you don’t have their contact details so clearly aren’t communicating in any other way. Of course they didn’t invite you. I wouldn’t invite someone I hadn’t seen or spoken to in 8 years to my wedding.

The issue you need to examine is why you have no relationship with them, not why people you don’t know didn’t invite you to their wedding.

I just feel so unwanted. Especially by my parents. I just feel like my role is to.look after my sister and that's all I'm seen for. Extended family don't ask about me. Im not seen as a human in my own right. It wouldn't have been a hassle for anyone to invite me to Sunday for lunch at a pub. Im just upset no one thought to. Even my parents. Its like they feel.i know my role and I should shut up and stay the fuck away. I don't know why it matters to me now. It suddenly does though. Im struggling to cope and so embarrassed by it

I think you need to go to your GP, OP. You sound extremely depressed and are clearly at the point that you need clinical help.

But you also need to start taking concrete steps to achieve the kind of life that you want for yourself. Your family don’t sound like very nice people, so stop worrying about whether or not they ‘want’ you. You need to find social connection elsewhere, with people who will value you.

Parents are annoyed I brought it up and said I should just go to the restaurant.

Isn't that the invite? It’s family wouldn’t you just turn up if that’s what they said? I’m confused by how else they are supposed to invite you other than telling you to come?

"Even my parents. Its like they feel.i know my role and I should shut up and stay the fuck away"

Your mum told you to come to the restaurant. How is that her wanting you to stay the fuck away?

I say this with the intention of helping, not having a dig. If you usually respond to thinks so dramatically and think everything your family do is some personal attack or intentional exclusion it could contribute to a reluctance to interact with you.

It’s harsh, OP, but most people don’t want to spend time socially with people who hate themselves as much as you do. It’s incredibly draining, to be honest. If you can get to a point where you value yourself, you will be much more fun to be around and you’ll get more invitations.

JLou, I caused a fuss that I wanted an invite, then I was invited. It was reluctant with my parents. My cousins don't know about it. I just can't imagine not inviting my children. I constantly talk about my adult children and what they are doing . I talk positively and try to boost their confidence. It hasn't been done for me.

I"m realising my parents don't love me. Im means to an end