Segregated from family

[SoManyBooksSoLittleTime]

I don't know if I'm feeling unnecessarily sorry for myself here. I have a disabled sibling and, during family events as a child, I always stayed with her and looked after her. I was, however, really sociable with visiting family, never caused problems. I moved out at 18 as I was told I did nothing to support the family and was really selfish. I know I'm still massively resentful of this.

I believe in the Glass Child Syndrome. Literally everyone being hyperfixated on the disabled child to the extent no one even considers the other.

I'm literally at the stage where I have no other family in this country except my internal family, parents and sister. I was never invited to weddings. This weekend is a big family meet up. First in about 5 years. I am not just not invited, I'm not even considered. This is a first cousin's family. I haven't seen them since my Aunt's funeral 8 years ago. I spent lots of time with them at that. I wasn't invited to their daughter's wedding though.

The external family is tiny. I' m angry at them and at my parents for ignoring my existence. I will look after my sister until one of us dies, yet when my parents pass on, I literally have no external family at all. Im gutted because I feel so inconsequential. My parents think I have a problem in complaining.

Gentle advice please

You have kids of your own? So why are you so bothered about these people who don’t seem to treat you very nicely? Just cut them off and move on with your life.

For the record. Here's a definition " Glass child syndrome is a colloquial term for the emotional and psychological experience of healthy or typically developing children who grow up with a sibling who has a chronic illness, disability, special needs, or behavioral challenge."

Jesus the replies on here are batshit!!!

Op I’m really sorry you’re being treated that way by your family. I don’t think people who haven’t lived it know how invisible you can feel when you have a sibling who is unwell or disabled and for reasons that are nobody’s fault need more attention.
It’s known as glass child for exactly that reason - because they are often barely seen.
when the entire narrative of your childhood is that you have to wait, be patient, never take centre stage and that you should be grateful because you are not in your siblings shoes.

I think you should go to the meal. Go and create a relationship with your wider family. Put things to one side and see how it goes. Your cousins may have not had your contact information either or not known if you wanted to be in contact themselves. Go and try and establish a relationship with them as adults. Exchange details and start building your own relationship with them separately from your parents and sister.

wish you the best of luck

I get what you're saying. It's about your parents, not really about the extended family that you don't know very well anyway.

I'm picturing one of my grown kids telling me they felt left out, if I had plans to meet with some relatives that they'd never gotten a chance to know very well.

I'd feel bad that I'd thought they wouldn't be interested in going when they were, and very pleased to discover that they did want to be included. But here you told your parents you felt left out and they reacted with annoyance and a grudging partial invitation. Wow. And I know that was only one example. Yeah, something is very off here.

But I think some people really just don't connect to one or all of their children, unfortunately. I guess there are various reasons but it seems very unnatural and weird to me. I'd suspect mental illness. Or maybe your theory about "the glass child" is it.

You might benefit from therapy, with a therapist who can help you make sense of all this. I'd also focus on people who do value having you in their life too, instead of the ones who do not. Best wishes.

You are not helping us to know what to say, or advise, or suggest, byt giving such a confusing OP and then dripping further information in later posts.
It is quite confusing.

• At this point, I think you are nowhere near 18, as you have adult dc ?
• You are upset that cousins, who are much older than you, so presumably didn't grow up with you are meeting your parents for a meal, but didn't invite you ?
• You actually are not in touch with these cousins at all and haven't seen any of them for 8 years, and even that was at a funeral, so not exactly a social event. You don't keep in touch with them in any other way, like social media or even an annual catch up in a Christmas card ?
• You have a sister with disabilities who needs to be cared for. This is currently done by your parents, so she tends to be included if they are invited somewhere by family, as they live with her ?
• You live elsewhere , presumably with your dh or dp and possibly with adult dc, and have done for many many years, but want to be included in your parents social life ?

How is this 'segregation' ?
If you want to get to know your cousins at this point in life, as an adult woman, then you can instigate something. It seems odd, to now want to get to know people much older than yourself that you've not had much of a previous relationship with, but, if that is what you want, then why don't you get in touch and arrange something ?

How often do you invite them all to your house for things?

I have previously explained. They live a long way off. My parents hold the contact details. This is one of the very rare meet ups. When they do occur Im not invited or discussed. One sibling not the other

Surely you can ask your parents for their number or address and invite them to your house for a catch up?

Because she's disabled and lives with them. If she wasn't disabled and reliant on their help she wouldn't be invited either.
Your mother said you should go, ask her to make sure you are included as you would also like to go.
Be proactive, if it hurts you, find a way to fix it.

I wonder if you’re being punished for moving out and away.

You don’t have to look after your sister, now or in the future. You have every right to prioritize yourself and your own family. You aren’t fated to be her carer - you can say no.

I don’t understand how, if you moved out of home at 18, having been told you were selfish and unhelpful, you’re still looking after your disabled sister who lives with your parents?

Ah. I apologize, I've just noticed it's your parents hosting.
Perhaps she doesn't have space for you all at home? (being generous in my interpretation)
Or perhaps you should just say 'Mother! Am I invited or not?!'.