To think my husband needs to 'parent' too

[SchoolMum66]

I have an ongoing issue that I feel like my husband doesn't bother doing his share of the parenting. Apart from the practical things (which I deal with and don't mind as he works longer hours than me), it's the 'softer' skills/behaviours that he doesn't do that's the real problem. He doesn't manage them/set boundaries/reprimand them when necessary/follow through with consistency/tell them to do anything etc. He leaves this all to me. That would almost be ok if he was not at home, but he is here a lot, but just ignores everything and let's me do all the parenting.
I have spoken to him about this, explaining that him not doing any parenting doesn't just mean it's only half the parenting that's happening, but it's less than half because his lack of input undermines anything I say/do, as it sends the message to the children that my expectations/instructions are invalid. Sometimes they rope him in and all gang up on me, as he takes the easier route and just agrees with them to have an easier life. (I think they are quite clever with this and manipulating him)
So this has come to a head and I want your thoughts please. Last night I reprimanded my 13 yr old daughter as she had been rude to people (abrupt and off hand) at an activity in the afternoon. When I went to bed my bed was soaking wet as someone (said daughter) had poured a glass of water onto it, and pulled the duvet back up. I didn't see her do it, but she's got form, and the other two were already asleep. I didn't do anything at the time as it was late and the children were all asleep and it was a school night so thought I'd leave it until today, so not to wake anyone up. My husband was away last night for work, but I told him about it; everything.
He has come back this afternoon and I just said to him that we need to talk to her when she gets home from school, as this was obviously a horrible thing to do, how would she feel if someone did that to her etc, and needs to be dealt with. His response is he wasn't here, so doesn't know anything about it! So he doesn't want to talk to her about it. He is just trying to get out of the (unfortunately necessary) confrontation with daughter. I think this will send message to her that it's not a big deal, even funny, as Daddy doesn't careless about it. I think it was an awful thing to do to someone.
So what do you all think??

You need to deal with this but with him there for a united front
don’t bring him in as the big guns or she’ll run rings round you when he’s not there

Not what you are asking but jesus, I would have gone ballistic and woken her up!!

Not a chance in hell I would be tolerating that from my child!!

Councelling for parents.

Will him being there actually add anything? Sounds like he might even hinder the conversation if he doesn’t back you up.

I had a similar situation recently and my DH left me to deal with it alone. I feel hugely resentful, solo parenting whilst in a relationship with their Dad.

I would just push ahead without him. Decide the punishment and follow through on it. All whilst making a plan to leave him when convenient for me.

I bet no phone or WiFi would see their ideas buck up.

She would be coming home after school to find no bedding in her room if she was my DD.

And yes, your DH is pretty useless.

She would have got a bucket of cold water and left to clean it up herself. I couldn't let her get away with that!

She needs severely reprimanding for that. Do it without him if he is too spineless to back you up.
I would impose huge consequences for that. For example remove all her tech equipment for 24 hours and not cook her anything nice to eat, she can make do with a sandwich or else she prepares her own dinner.
I’m fuming on your behalf op.
As for your dh, well you have issues there.
Only you know if it’s worth trying to make it work.
I’d stop cooking for him too until he starts to parent his children.

The child or the husband?

What disgusting spiteful behaviour. I’m not normally a fan of punishments for teenagers but she needs to feel the weight of your wrath for that, OP.

They both need a massive talking to! I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, OP.

Both..I bet the dh sinks into a phone blizzard to avoid being a df...

If my DC did that to me, DH would go nuclear. No tolerance of disrespect for either parent in our home. Yes, DH should be backing you up. Not seeing it is no excuse - he should have your back in any situation. You are absolutely right to be upset about that.

I KNOW it’s wrong but I’d be really tempted to pour water on DD bed AND DH bed then say to DH ‘well you weren’t there when it happened so presumably you don’t need to talk about it’. To DD, ‘what goes around comes around, night’

I am so sorry you had to deal with that op! I would have had to tell her off the same evening, or before school. You have the patience of a saint.
That behaviour is disgusting, immature and highly disrespectful. She is 13, not 3. I wouldn't have waited for dh tbh, she needed told at the time, and dh should have had another word with her when he got back, and a firm discussion about boundaries, healthy ways to express emotions, and basic respect.

Edited to say I'd also want to know why she thinks that act is okay. In what world is that okay? I think she needs a complete overhaul.

I can't actually believe what I've just read. How have you managed to bring up a child that has zero respect? I'd say that the roof needs to fall in on your daughter. As for your husband?? Find your inner rage!

It's totally unacceptable that your husband is ducking out of parenting. Unfortunately, as this has gone on for so long, your children will understandably play one parent off against the other - this is what children do.

You absolutely have to have a united front with discipline. That is non-negiotable. If he doesn't do this, he's undermining you and that is very destructive, to your relationship and to your children. It's that serious.

If I were you, I'd decide on a suitable punishment for your daughter and warn him that if he doesn't back you up, he's on his own and can deal with all the children on his own. Be prepared to pack a bag, go away for a few days and leave him to get on with it. Maybe then he'll see how much of the household management you're actually doing.

In the longer term, I think you need couples counselling. What he's doing is going to drive a wedge between you if you don't address it.

I would have made her strip the bed, remake it, wash, dry and fold the sheets as well. I certainly wouldnt have left it till the next day for a quiet life.

Your H isnt a parent. Hes a bystander. Although, im sure the kids love him because he has no boundaries and let's them get away with murder. You'll always be the bad guy your family whie carrying the weight of a grown man up a hill.

I can't believe you left it so long, tbh. I would have woken her up by dumping cold water on her. Either then and there, or before 6 when I wake up for the day. That's appalling behaviour on her part.

As for your DH, what is the point of him? He's actively undermining you.

In a lot of families there's only one parent who disciplines. That's fine if it works but obviously this is not working in your case.

What the hell? You think your thirteen year old poured water in your bed? Who does that? That’s unbelievable. Mattresses are expensive. Has that ruined your bed?

No risk of him being the 'big guns' as he likes everyone to think he's nice, so never deals with/challenges anyone when he should do, and leaves me to be the bad guy, in all situations. Thus not 'parenting' his children.

I think you should do as PP suggested and pour water on both of their beds...and then go out for the night and let him handle all 3 kids.

I don't know if this helps or not, but natural consequences. When I was 12-13 I kept leaving my PE kit in the bus home from school. This required said PE kit being collected from a city a few miles from where we lived. My Mum tolerated it the first time and just gave me a rap on the knuckles.

On the second and third occasions, she quietly retrieved the PE kit, carefully unpacked it and deposited it in my bed. The fourth time never happened. Yes, your DH should absolutely be backing you up, but if he won't, natural consequences work very well. Of course, you'd still need to deal with him as well.......

If be livid at both of them, op.
Not sure I have any advice, but solidarity and empathy in spades.
Definitely consequences for your dd, but you'll know what might work there.

For dh- start with a long serious conversation, if that doesn't help , counselling or split up? Or just accept you do all the parenting and he does whatever he does. But he should know that may mean he doesn't have much of a relationship with his DC in the end.