To think my husband needs to 'parent' too

[SchoolMum66]

I have an ongoing issue that I feel like my husband doesn't bother doing his share of the parenting. Apart from the practical things (which I deal with and don't mind as he works longer hours than me), it's the 'softer' skills/behaviours that he doesn't do that's the real problem. He doesn't manage them/set boundaries/reprimand them when necessary/follow through with consistency/tell them to do anything etc. He leaves this all to me. That would almost be ok if he was not at home, but he is here a lot, but just ignores everything and let's me do all the parenting.
I have spoken to him about this, explaining that him not doing any parenting doesn't just mean it's only half the parenting that's happening, but it's less than half because his lack of input undermines anything I say/do, as it sends the message to the children that my expectations/instructions are invalid. Sometimes they rope him in and all gang up on me, as he takes the easier route and just agrees with them to have an easier life. (I think they are quite clever with this and manipulating him)
So this has come to a head and I want your thoughts please. Last night I reprimanded my 13 yr old daughter as she had been rude to people (abrupt and off hand) at an activity in the afternoon. When I went to bed my bed was soaking wet as someone (said daughter) had poured a glass of water onto it, and pulled the duvet back up. I didn't see her do it, but she's got form, and the other two were already asleep. I didn't do anything at the time as it was late and the children were all asleep and it was a school night so thought I'd leave it until today, so not to wake anyone up. My husband was away last night for work, but I told him about it; everything.
He has come back this afternoon and I just said to him that we need to talk to her when she gets home from school, as this was obviously a horrible thing to do, how would she feel if someone did that to her etc, and needs to be dealt with. His response is he wasn't here, so doesn't know anything about it! So he doesn't want to talk to her about it. He is just trying to get out of the (unfortunately necessary) confrontation with daughter. I think this will send message to her that it's not a big deal, even funny, as Daddy doesn't careless about it. I think it was an awful thing to do to someone.
So what do you all think??

I would insist on parent counselling for the two of you. What he is doing is incredibly damaging to your DC. I have no doubt that DD 13 is bullying children at school.

Ask him flat out does he want to raise nice competent functioning adults or not. Because right now I despair for your DDs future. If parents won’t teach them right from wrong and consequences for poor decisions then their future is dire.

I dont understand why on earth anyone needs to- 'parent' at this age, in an active way as in treating them like a toddler still

Sure by that age and older they need me like my parents still parent me at my age but the op sounds like there is some odd issues going on

But I dont remember having to actively parent in thos way after about 8 or so by then they were mostly just there as people

100%, water on her bed, and you leave. I’d have woken her up to help me change the sheets.
as for ‘I wasn’t there so didn’t see it.’ !! I’d say you think I’m lying? You should leave, you don’t want to be married to someone who you think lies to you, and I don’t want to be married to a spineless shit husband and even worse dad who does no parenting ever.

I would tell him his lack of parenting is leading you to divorce him, what’s the point of him if you’re not partnership. Why have you let it drag on for years.

Some dads are the types to avoid the reprimands.
You better get used to a the attiude from a teen because you have several years to go and thry target rhe mum.
Dad could be there while you discuss the water tipped kn the bed but was ot her or a accident for another kid.
A 13 ur old wouldnt be calling him Daddy I hope thats childish for her age.

Can’t believe I’m saying this about a young girl but she sounds like a nasty piece of work OP. I’d make sure to soak her bed and not even mention it as she’ll def accuse you of getting even and then you have your answer. Meanwhile think of appropriate punishments, no phone etc

Your DH is pathetic, though if my DD had done that to me I’d have hauled her out of bed in the middle of the night and made her change the bedding and dry the mattress. That’s an appalling sign of disrespect. She has escaped without consequence now because nobody has the nerve to tackle her. I’d be changing the WiFi password and removing her devices for two weeks as well.

And don’t pour water on other people’s beds. That’s just a sure way to escalate things.

I suspect you DH doesn't think you are managing your daughter well and wants to keep out of it.

I'm not sure how a 13 year was being rude and off hand with people really works and why it warrants a reprimand. Where you even in attendance at the after school activity of a 13 year old?

You are convinced she poured water on your bed and that she has form. Really?

13 year old girls can be full on, I think you all need to calm down a bit, and sense you need to let her find her independence a bit too.

My god that is not the way it would have gone down in my house. Group punishment if no one owned up. So no phone. No wifi. No tech for 3 months for everyone.

I cannot even imagine one of my kids daring to pull shit like that. They are brave but not stupid. And you’d need to be both to think that’s a good plan.

Yes you worded it way better than I tried too, i can imagine any situation with thinking a 13 yo did this without there being some weird back story

To need to parent to this level at thia stage seems weird, to me atleast

Next time your DH is away for a couple of hours in the evening, pour water on his side of the bed. Then, when he wants to address it, tell him he can't because he wasn't here.