Manager too direct or am I too sensitive?

[JS5]

I struggle with confidence and sometimes can be abit sensitive. How to know the difference between a manager that is too direct or me being too sensitive and need to become thick skinned?

Any recommendations or tips to use in situations that helps me achieve clarity in the moment whwn it's happening?

Have you got any examples?

Good managers work out how to manage their individual line reports. It really depends on the background. Ultimately if you have done something wrong you are leaving yourself open to negative feedback but I have had very blunt managers who were also in the wrong most of the time!

We need an example

Direct leaves no room for doubt or confusion, surely that’s preferable, particularly if you lack confidence.

unless I have totally misunderstood your post.

It comes down to communication styles and maybe you need to talk to your manager about what yours is?

in the workplace I prefer things given to me very direct and don’t like any fluff and I don’t need things softened up, it’s also how I prefer to communicate. But I appreciate not everyone is like that so I have to flex - your manager needs to do this but won’t necessarily know unless you tell them.

Impossible without a few examples I'm afraid.

Examples:

1. Manager interrupting my presentation and saying "thats not so important, can you just go to the end slide", suggesting what I'm presenting is irrelevant? People then looking around the room to catch reactions

1. Manager interrupting meetings, when im not finished

1. Manager using words like "that's pointless" or "that's not important" in teams chat, if I ask a question relating to a task ive been assigned to

1. Managers Manager, responding to an email ive sent out with tasks, cc'ing my manager "why are we sending this out without deadlines?"

I don't think you always need to decide how you react in the moment. It's not really clear from your post but if it's something like feedback and you're not sure whether you agree with it, I think it's fine to say 'thanks for the feedback, can I reflect on this for a couple of days and then put some time in on Thursday to continue the conversation if needed'

There could be good reasons for all those things, have you followed up to ask for feedback?

The first point I’d assume the meeting was running short on time, not that your slides were irrelevant.

1. Manager using words like "that's pointless" or "that's not important" in teams chat, if I ask a question relating to a task ive been assigned to

Saying that's not important, is surely giving you useful information. It tells you not to waste time working on that bit.

1. Managers Manager, responding to an email ive sent out with tasks, cc'ing my manager "why are we sending this out without deadlines?"

That's nothing to do with your manager though?

1. Manager interrupting my presentation and saying "thats not so important, can you just go to the end slide", suggesting what I'm presenting is irrelevant? People then looking around the room to catch reactions
2. Manager interrupting meetings, when im not finished

Be honest with yourself. Do you tend to drag on? It sounds like he just wants you to get to the point.

I suggest you read No Rules Rules by the founder of Netflix - it might help shift your perspective.

There isn’t anything wrong with what the managers done, but they’re not doing enough to support your psychological safety around this.

Why would you want to continue presenting information that is pointless. It’s a waste of everyone’s time. If you don’t think it’s pointless, you should be able to explain why it’s not and continue. But that only works if everyone in the room trusts that you have the same agenda - that is to best use everyone’s time and further the company’s objectives.

Without that trust and security it does come across as undermining and point scoring.

Have you had a chat with your manager about how these comments make you feel and why they are made in this way? Because if you can better understand where you are each coming from you’ll likely have a better working environment.

That's dreadful management. It publicly humiliates.

@JS5 no you aren't being oversensitive and that's what I'd call rude rather than direct

OK I think your boss is not going about things in the best way, there are better ways of phrasing things. But it might be that you are a detail person and like all the information in slides, and they are a big picture thinker and like the headlines...its always good to think about stuff like this and how you can learn from past feedback to tailor it to your managers preferences. For example next time you give a presentation could you say in advance 'hi manager, last time i presented on this topic you asked me to skip some slides, I've slimmed down the pack, please could you let me have any feedback before the presentation so I can make sure it aligns with what you'd like to see in the presentation'. Shows you can take feedback and means they're less likely to interrupt in the presentation

I think maybe you are maybe too verbose or that you dont understand your role fully and how it connects with other people's.
Beforehand ask how long they want your presentation to be and what are the key points you need to include.
Finally yes you need to put a timeframe on tasks you are allocating

How much time had you been given for the presentation, were you over-running and was the presentation focussed on what it should have been?

I don’t think your manager is using the best phrasing but I’d follow up and ask for feedback about how you can improve next time. Eg maybe they’re looking for a more focussed presentation with fewer slides that’s ten minutes shorter?

The email one is feedback, make sure you include deadlines next time.

Re interrupting meetings. Difficult to know without the context.
Are you stopping other people getting a chance to ask questions or input? Poorly prepared so you’re asking things you should have been aware of? Going off topic?

Saying things don't matter or are pointless when you're raising a genuine question is not direct, it's rude.
You can easily say, 'we'll get to that/talk about that a bit later'. If it's not something they wish to discuss at that point.

While your manager should be dealing with this more sensitively, if this is a regular thing it sounds like feedback you're either not understanding or not taking on board. I don't think it's a case of you needing to be less sensitive, more that you need to work with them to understand what they want from you.

I think that’s atrocious behaviour. I’d schedule a follow up to ask what he thought was unimportant, really listen, then provide your rationale for why you think something really was worth mentioning. If he wants deadlines, do you have the authority to implement them? He’s underlining you publicly. Not on.

Management style is terrible, feedback should be given in a private, constructive way. However it does indicate that you like detail and your manager is just wanting the headlines and not all the other information.

Whatever your strengths and not, pulling you down in meetings like that is not ok

And the managers manager’s e mail could have said ‘thank you - could you attach deadlines please’

Not necessary to copy in the manger and say ‘why aren’t we putting timeframes on tasks? It’s moany. Instead: ‘OP, please advise the deadlines for these’.

Are they only like this with you? How do they treat others?

I thi know you mentioned a line manager in your post - if so have a chat with them, ti make sure you doing the work expected and delivering it appropriately.

His requests may be reasonable, but the phrasing is rude - saying “I’m conscious we’re short on time today so you might just move straight to the last slide, thanks Brenda” would achieve the same thing without making you feel chastised. And describing a subordinate’s question as ‘pointless’ is very bad manners.

If the issue is that they feels you are misreading how long you should take talking about a task/project, this should be discussed in one to one meetings.

It sounds like they are expressing frustration. This is not appropriate in this context. Saying that, it it's been discussed in one to one, they've explained what you need to do differently, but you continue to do the same, their frustration may be more understanding.