Partner shouts at our 2 year old

[AutumnFlows]

I don't know if I'm overreacting or not because I can go 0-100 and start catastrophising.

My partner and I have two daughters aged 2 and 9 months. He's not good with emotional regulation and sometimes shouts at our 2 year old when she's moaning, whining, crying or repeatedly calling for him. Typical 2 year old behaviour.

I'm not saying I don't raise my voice at times but it's usually when she's hurting her younger sister, doing something dangerously or not listening after I've calmly spoken to her severallll times.

When he shouts at her, usually she just continues as normal but today she started crying and it broke my heart. I'm tired of talking to him about this. I know he's struggling with this stage of them being so young and not having the words to express themselves and I try to give him grace about his emotional regulation issues (I come from a family of psychologists and also trained as one so I can clearly see he would meet a diagnosis of ADHD and ASD), but I also don't think that should excuse his behaviour.

I start thinking I should leave the relationship and limit contact (not keep them completely from him but take majority custody) to protect my girls. Am I overacting?

Anyone the child of a father who yelled at them a lot? How did it affect you?

He should leave

I don’t think you’re over-reacting. She’s only 2 ! Why is he shouting at her ? Poor thing. Is he going for anger management therapy? Does he want to change himself ?
"When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it's our job to share our calm, not join their chaos” -knost (as I’m sure you are aware with your background)
I repeat this to myself a lot ! (I’m a mum of three small boys)

How helpful.

My father was a bit like this. It's not great parenting but we are all human and sometimes the stress is just overwhelming in the moment. I'm sure your DP feels guilty making his daughter cry. I think you need a conversation about helping him manage his stress in difficult moments and strategies to minimise the possibility of it ending in shouting or him losing his cool. He can also apologise to DD when he gets it wrong, after he's calmed down.

Nope.
He should leave if he can’t help shouting at a 2 year old

There is nothing to be gained by shouting at a 2 year old except frightening them. Protect your child.

I agree. Shouting like that at a 2 year old is abuse. Sometimes it can be more damaging than physical abuse. Please listen to your instinct and protect your daughter.

My dad was diagnosed with Asperger’s and I was the eldest child and bright. I bore the brunt of his anger which was all verbal/emotional even though I was extremely well behaved because I was so scared of stepping out of line (which has followed me into adulthood - I’m terrified of getting things wrong). Even in my 30s I could tell what mood was coming by the slight changes in his breath intake. I loved my dad to bits and we had a very good relationship once I was older but I had a very, very turbulent time growing up. Sorry you and your DDs are going through this x

How bad is the shouting? My husband will do a firm raises voice and say enough now or stop it I’ve had enough.

is he being firm or actually shouting at a toddler

You are not being unreasonable. You might want to put a camera, or few, in your home. You'll need lots of evidence if you are gonna claim kids are not safe with him. Tell your partner that it's to monitor your kids when you have to run to a different room. Keep some a bit before and after incidents, so it can't be said it's out of context.Gather evidence.

Hi OP

Why are you trying to sort this? Does he care? Does he feel bad? What's he doing to try and help himself, what has he done to improve his emotional regulation and stop yelling? Has he been to the doctors, read a book? Even asked chat gpt for strategies?

I found it worse as they got older as now they aren't deliberately naughty but a 4 or 5 year old misbehaving when they should know better, can push even more buttons.

Sorry I know this will sound harsh but surely given your qualifications you will know the effect of shouting at home on children and the likely impact on their future relationships

If he is actively trying to improve then I'd cut him some slack and support him but otherwise it would be some sort of ultimatum as ultimately you giving him some slack will be seen by your children as you condoning it