Partner shouts at our 2 year old

[AutumnFlows]

I don't know if I'm overreacting or not because I can go 0-100 and start catastrophising.

My partner and I have two daughters aged 2 and 9 months. He's not good with emotional regulation and sometimes shouts at our 2 year old when she's moaning, whining, crying or repeatedly calling for him. Typical 2 year old behaviour.

I'm not saying I don't raise my voice at times but it's usually when she's hurting her younger sister, doing something dangerously or not listening after I've calmly spoken to her severallll times.

When he shouts at her, usually she just continues as normal but today she started crying and it broke my heart. I'm tired of talking to him about this. I know he's struggling with this stage of them being so young and not having the words to express themselves and I try to give him grace about his emotional regulation issues (I come from a family of psychologists and also trained as one so I can clearly see he would meet a diagnosis of ADHD and ASD), but I also don't think that should excuse his behaviour.

I start thinking I should leave the relationship and limit contact (not keep them completely from him but take majority custody) to protect my girls. Am I overacting?

Anyone the child of a father who yelled at them a lot? How did it affect you?

He should leave

I don’t think you’re over-reacting. She’s only 2 ! Why is he shouting at her ? Poor thing. Is he going for anger management therapy? Does he want to change himself ?
"When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it's our job to share our calm, not join their chaos” -knost (as I’m sure you are aware with your background)
I repeat this to myself a lot ! (I’m a mum of three small boys)

How helpful.

My father was a bit like this. It's not great parenting but we are all human and sometimes the stress is just overwhelming in the moment. I'm sure your DP feels guilty making his daughter cry. I think you need a conversation about helping him manage his stress in difficult moments and strategies to minimise the possibility of it ending in shouting or him losing his cool. He can also apologise to DD when he gets it wrong, after he's calmed down.

Nope.
He should leave if he can’t help shouting at a 2 year old

There is nothing to be gained by shouting at a 2 year old except frightening them. Protect your child.

I agree. Shouting like that at a 2 year old is abuse. Sometimes it can be more damaging than physical abuse. Please listen to your instinct and protect your daughter.

My dad was diagnosed with Asperger’s and I was the eldest child and bright. I bore the brunt of his anger which was all verbal/emotional even though I was extremely well behaved because I was so scared of stepping out of line (which has followed me into adulthood - I’m terrified of getting things wrong). Even in my 30s I could tell what mood was coming by the slight changes in his breath intake. I loved my dad to bits and we had a very good relationship once I was older but I had a very, very turbulent time growing up. Sorry you and your DDs are going through this x

How bad is the shouting? My husband will do a firm raises voice and say enough now or stop it I’ve had enough.

is he being firm or actually shouting at a toddler

You are not being unreasonable. You might want to put a camera, or few, in your home. You'll need lots of evidence if you are gonna claim kids are not safe with him. Tell your partner that it's to monitor your kids when you have to run to a different room. Keep some a bit before and after incidents, so it can't be said it's out of context.Gather evidence.

Hi OP

Why are you trying to sort this? Does he care? Does he feel bad? What's he doing to try and help himself, what has he done to improve his emotional regulation and stop yelling? Has he been to the doctors, read a book? Even asked chat gpt for strategies?

I found it worse as they got older as now they aren't deliberately naughty but a 4 or 5 year old misbehaving when they should know better, can push even more buttons.

Sorry I know this will sound harsh but surely given your qualifications you will know the effect of shouting at home on children and the likely impact on their future relationships

If he is actively trying to improve then I'd cut him some slack and support him but otherwise it would be some sort of ultimatum as ultimately you giving him some slack will be seen by your children as you condoning it

This quote would work well for teenagers too. Thanks! I’ll be keeping this in mind when my teenage dd next kicks off.

@AutumnFlows you know what is acceptable and what isn’t. Decide if your H is crossing the line or not. If he is then it’s your duty to protect your DC’s.

I have a 2 year old and that breaks my heart. They are so so little.

Surely it will get worse as they get older. They're just being toddlers now. Imagine when they are being purposely little shits, what is he going to do???? Because older children can REALLY push buttons.

Get him away from your precious children. They deserve so much better.

I tolerated my DH shouting at my 2 year old and making him cry. It was a red flag that I ignored and lived to regret. I should have divorced him. It's a clear sign that he will not be a good father.

If he can't control his temper and overwhelm around a two year old then he needs to take it seriously and find coping mechanisms. I know it's stressful, it's bloody hard at times. But shouting doesn't help. My dad was a word mix of calm about most things then would shout at stupidest things like a spilled drink. It makes for a tense child. My mum was shouty, it was so loud we would do our utmost to avoid it and there's still an element of people pleasing about me as an adult I wish i didn't have that I now know is from a childhood with shouting parents. Mirroring other people til I don't know myself at times as a youngster, to keep the peace.

He needs to sort himself out ASAP. If he can't control his temper how can a two year old. It's a bullying thing.

"he should leave" ... Until he does, and you are then complaining that he's absent, not contributing or paying enough etc.

People lose their tempers with 2 year olds. 2 year olds are awful. No woman would be told to leave the family home for shouting when at the end of her tether.

Work on it. It's going to be shit and will only get harder with a 9mo that is fast catching up. Be there for eachother.

My EX did this. It started when our DC was around 2.5 and no longer a baby who he could control, but a toddler with their own opinions. I spent years trying to help him be a better parent, but nothing changed because he was happy with the way he was parenting. We separated when EXP starting being physical with the children and I refused to have them growing up in an abusive environment.

please document everything no matter how small it seems, and leave to protect your child.

You both raise your voice which is not needed for a 2 year old or any child and even worse you come on here to complain yet had another child knowing you both raise your voices. Your both in the wrong poor kid our youngest twins are 2 and you walk out for a second if you feel that way

it depends entirely on what you mean by "shouting"

I think all of us on here read "shouting" and think of a grown man screaming in the face of a scared 2 year old...

If that is the case, then yes, it is abusive and awful and you need to protect your daughter.

However, I've seen people in real life say "wow that parent shouts a lot" - when all they were doing was raising their voice and being stern. Men's voices tend to be deeper/louder naturally, which can make it feel more scary and intimidating, even if their intention and effort is the same as a mum.

Which is it? How can any of us know? Only you know, so only you can decide.

My father was alwayss screaming at me, at us all, and it absolutely fucked me. I had to have therapy in my 40s to learn to emotionally regulate as my instant reaction to someone being hostile to me is to start screaming and shouting, out of fear and terror, my reaction is ALWAYS to get angry, as soon as someone else gets angry I get angry.

Constant stress and anxiety in childhood permanently and irrevocably damages the hippocampus. You have to learn ways around that when you're older. Get them out of there before it's permanent.

Best outcome for your children would be that their father learns how to emotionally regulate himself.

Could your family investigate and find numerous courses etc. that could benefit your DH and ones that he might enjoy? (Local school run parenting classes, counselling ..) You would have resources that others would not.

Why is your husband doing the firm raised voice if you’ve had enough? Wouldn’t you both have the same approach. Odd that he’d do the parenting for you.

It takes months, if not years, to learn to work around the damage chronic abuse causes the brain and find new ways to regulate. Assuming he's willing to bother trying.

Studies have shown that shouting at children causes deep psychological, emotional and neurological harm. He stops or he goes