Which parent is unreasonable?

[Anna987654321]

I know a separated couple who have children and a set arrangement for days with each parent, that doesn’t vary unless there are exceptions made for special occasions/events or holidays. Both parents usually agree a variation with each other when taking the DC on holiday, or special occasions like parties, weddings etc, things that are outside of your control. Then contact just reverts back to the next set day.

Note: the holidays are the same length of time.

Parent A took the DC on holiday.
Parent B missed some set contact days due to the trip.
Parent B picked the DC up on their next allocated day after the holiday.

Parent B planned to take the DC on holiday.
Prior to the trip, Parent A asked for extra time with the DC to compensate for the upcoming holiday, in Parent B’s allocated time.
Parent B said no.
Parent B returned from holiday and DC went to parent A’s as per the usual agreement.
When Parent B’s set time came round again, Parent A again asked for extra time with the DC, on Parent B’s set days to compensate for the holiday days they had missed.
Parent B said no.

Parent A feels that they should be compensated for the time they missed with the DC that fell on their days.

Parent B feels the days should stay the same, not keep disrupting routines, each parent has had a holiday with their DC, and time with DC is not a repayable debt from each others time and wouldn’t expect this themselves.

They shouldn't be treating their children like commodities, requiring compensation if they feel they've not had fair usage.
They should both be making sure the children see both parents in a way that prioritises the children. A routine when that's needed and flexibility when that's best for the children.
What do they think the children would prefer? They should do that.

Parent b needs to point out the number of days they lost. Time to make it clear how they plan to proceed going forward. If a wants time back same rule applies for b in that they switch a set of days, so if 4 with a, 4 with b they do 8 straight with each. Alternatively 12 with one then for next holiday 12 with other. Holiday must not be spread over 2 periods of other parent.

Parent A sounds just like my ex except that when she takes our children away on my days she tries to claim extra child free days ‘earned’ by it, despite her putting the agreement in place that if you take them away on the other parents days then that’s your choice and you don’t get free time to compensate.
She is very selfish generally though.

Sorry OP but it does matter who you are in this. Each parent will be looking at it from their own point of view and may have something to add to the argument. Also the children might not be as happy and neutral as you suggest.

I think this is really sad and makes the children sound like they’re a possession being shared between two petty adults.

Preface both parents SUCK.

Theres not enough info BUT if you both want to be that anal....

you need calculate days owed to each other and see who is in debt.

Ie.if.its a parent A 5 days / parent b 2 days and they both had child for one week....

Parent B owes parent A 3 days still

So entitled days ytd vs taken

@Lexibletheflexible genuine question, but it seems to be that it might be quite a lot of pressure to put onto a 7 year old, asking them which parent they want to go with. I think a 7 year old might very well appear to understand, be level headed, and make a choice, but we don’t really know deep down whether having that responsibility might make them internalise a peace-keeper role within the separated family.

That’s not really a question… I guess I mean, what do you think in response to that?

They shouldn't be treating their children like commodities, requiring compensation if they feel they've not had fair usage

Well said, @5128gap. I think the whole “compensation” thing from parent A is out of order. They both get to have a holiday, during which time the other parent won’t see them. That’s life. Going back to normal afterwards seems much more sensible for the child.

Compensation time?? This seems more about the parents entitlement than whats genuinely best for the kids. How old are the children? Old enough to have a view.

Its shitty if the parent with majority care is using that to railroad getting their way, if thats whats happening, but imo you have to puck your battles with shared care arrangements and focus on the long term objectives not 'winning' each mini disagreement.

Personally i would let this one go but ask to agree the status quo that applies to both, to avoid ambiguity next time

Well I think the parent who is requesting extra make up time is silly, but I'm easy going and would say fine if it means so much to you.

In this case Parent B is right. But the whole set up is too rigid. Children are not parcels or possessions to be passed back and forth. Too many parents become incredibly selfish when separated and put their own needs before that of their children

I am not one of the parents I’m a relative.

I try to be objective as I know it’s difficult.

The time is split in a way that means parents get regular contact across the week, so there aren’t long gaps of more than 2-3 days, plus there are phone and video calls always available.

Parent A did miss some days due to the holiday of B (B missed more when A went away), but DC went straight back to A on return, because B timed it across their own contact days to avoid reducing A’s time too much.

I agree with Parent B personally as they aren’t trying to collect a debt they are just trying to keep a routine going.

From my observation, the set up seems to be rigid as when B relaxes anything or makes any allowances to accommodate A, the requests from A increase rather than decrease, and cause a lot of stress.