Which parent is unreasonable?

[Anna987654321]

I know a separated couple who have children and a set arrangement for days with each parent, that doesn’t vary unless there are exceptions made for special occasions/events or holidays. Both parents usually agree a variation with each other when taking the DC on holiday, or special occasions like parties, weddings etc, things that are outside of your control. Then contact just reverts back to the next set day.

Note: the holidays are the same length of time.

Parent A took the DC on holiday.
Parent B missed some set contact days due to the trip.
Parent B picked the DC up on their next allocated day after the holiday.

Parent B planned to take the DC on holiday.
Prior to the trip, Parent A asked for extra time with the DC to compensate for the upcoming holiday, in Parent B’s allocated time.
Parent B said no.
Parent B returned from holiday and DC went to parent A’s as per the usual agreement.
When Parent B’s set time came round again, Parent A again asked for extra time with the DC, on Parent B’s set days to compensate for the holiday days they had missed.
Parent B said no.

Parent A feels that they should be compensated for the time they missed with the DC that fell on their days.

Parent B feels the days should stay the same, not keep disrupting routines, each parent has had a holiday with their DC, and time with DC is not a repayable debt from each others time and wouldn’t expect this themselves.

Hopefully the kids will soon be old enough to do what they want instead of being viewed as an item of compensation to get at the other parent!

Parent A is being unreasonable.

To answer queries. It doesn’t matter who I am in this or why it’s important to me just gathering opinions.

The children are both under 8. Parent B has asked Parent A not to put the DC in an awkward position to choose, and keep to a routine where possible but agrees to variations if there is a specific request, ie a party or special event.

The DC want to see both parents, enjoy the time together and haven’t expressed any preference for one over the other.

It’s not a clean split of 50/50, Parent A already gets slightly more time per week with the DC than Parent B.

Its not clear if the requests are financially motivated that hasn’t come up

I think with kids under 8 it would depend on how the days fall & the holidays, how much time would be going between.

If the holiday and then back to the usual schedule would mean Parent A only saw the kids for 2 days in 14 for example, I can understand wanting to see them more than the usual would allow.

Well it kind of does - Parent A had extra days when they took DC on holiday (and Parent B missed contact days as a result); Likewise when parent B now takes them on holiday, Parent A will miss contact days too and should accept this just as Parent B did. For Parent A to expect those days back is CFery in the extreme if they are not willing to offer Parent B’s missed days back also?

Effectively, if both parents have been able to take DC on holiday, both using the contact days of the other parent - the score is even, is it not?

In the scheme of a decade or so of the children's lives and shared custody, it will even itself out.

Both parents should give their heads a wobble and stop being dicks about it.

The DC are all that matter.
So, grow up. The pair of you.

Which parent do you think is being unreasonable OP?

Parent A as they didn’t offer parent B make up time on the return from A’s holiday. So it’s a bit double standards

I don't think either are being "unreasonable" - they both want to maximise time with their kids, which speaks well of both.

However they will become unreasonable if they allow this wrangling over time to damage the co-parenting relationship.

Over time you learn that not rocking the boat is best for the kids.

They should both stop this nonsense and focus on what's important.

I refuse to pick one and say that they are "unreadable", because that is only fuelling the unhelpful conflict.

I suggest they toss a coin to decide this particular issue, stop arguing, and focus on what is important.

This is mn just blame the male one it's simpler

You’ve got may years left of this yet just let it go.

I think it probably is best to just keep the routine going. It will balance out as both parents take the children on holidays for extra than the set days. However, if both parents agreed to make up time, then that would be fine too. They need to agree on something though. Neither is wrong. Maybe compromised halfway and, for every holiday, the other parent gets an extra couple of days?

It doesn't really matter what other people think, the main thing is that it needs to work for your and your ex's situation. Why don't you put the expectations onto a paper for situations like this, and see what you agree with. Who gets Christmas who birthdays who easter and so on and so forth, what happens if holidays mess up the schedule or illness or kids clubs etc etc, what procedure should then be followed. Adopt what you both agree on. Whatever you don't agree on, one of you just has to compromise. One person compromises on one thing, the other one on another thing.

Yes it can be a bit tense to agree on the arrangements, but it prevents future hostilities and makes it easier going forward (especially for the kids!!!) Right now it sounds like you haven't really talked and you have different expectations, and that's understandably causing friction on both sides. Good communication can easily resolve this. Good luck

They both sound like twats. When I take DC on holiday, I appreciate that they will miss Dad and want to tell him about the trip so on our return they spend the next couple of days with him, whatever the schedule says.

The holiday has already disrupted routines so who cares?