Childhood wounds reopening. Am I wrong?

[SapphireSparkIes]

I have gone backwards and forwards on whether to post. But I’m still feeling raw a couple of months on so I’d be really grateful on some objective input.

Some background - despite the fact we are now late thirties, my younger brother is and always has been the favourite. He can do no wrong in my parent’s eyes. As a result he has grown into a self-centred man with little real life experience. This year however, he got married and had his first baby.

Because of the way my parents were when we were younger if there was ever a disagreement with my brother and me, I used to cry in my bedroom until I couldn’t cry any more. I felt twisted up inside with the unfairness of the way they acted as if he was never wrong and as a child it felt like the end of the world that my parents never put me first. Even now I struggle to ever feel good enough as I had years and years of being told it was always my fault. It felt then like everything I did was wrong and I was so aware he was put up on this pedestal. Even after all these years, remembering the words ‘oh you know what she’s like…’ said to him about me by my parents following any sort of disagreement still feels like a knife to my heart. That’s so much for a little child to bear. I was so acutely aware he was the favourite.

Because of the dynamic with my brother and me growing up, as adults we had a civil yet fairly arms-length relationship. Any meeting up outside our parents home was always initiated by me and was quite hard work as he wouldn’t ask questions, any conversation was fairly one-sided.

As I mentioned, he now has a baby. I have children too and a couple of months ago my brother his new wife and their baby were at my parents house for lunch along with me and my 4 year old who has a rare genetic condition along with learning difficulties. My brother was on the floor and my daughter who thinks he’s amazing climbed on his back which is how they are used to playing with him. He angrily told her to be quiet and if not then to get off. I was taken aback but asked her to come and sit with me. Despite her SEN, she is happy, sociable and very loving. Over lunch, she wanted to go and see the baby in its bouncer. I’d made sure she’d finished eating, wiped her hands and told her not to touch the baby, just look. She went over to the baby and picked up their toy ball which she handed to my brother. He despaired and said ‘urgh now you’ve got your dirty hands all over it’.

I don’t like conflict but felt so uncomfortable with him talking to her that way. She didn’t touch the baby, I had wiped her hands and she was showing her uncle a ball. For context my parents have a dog which he has no problem letting near the baby. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I said ‘Name, what’s wrong with her hands?’ And asked him not to speak to her like that. Instead of apologising he stood by what he said and demanded an explanation staring me down at my parents table. My parents didn’t say anything and I just said please don’t speak to her like that. He got up and left with his family. I was upset with my parents for not backing me up. In fact my mum ran after him to make sure he was ok.. and later told me she told him I’ve had a lot to deal with lately, as if that explains me calmly standing up for my daughter? My dad told me he could see exactly why I said what I said to him though.

I was upset by what had happened and I told my parents how I felt - that it still feels he can do no wrong. We left shortly after and I didn’t hear from anyone for a few weeks! I felt broken, my mental health has really suffered. We’d gone from sending daily WhatsApp messages and photos to absolutely nothing. No one asking about me and my children. Through no fault of my own, I was being made to feel again like it was all my fault. Fast forward a few weeks and I went to see my parents. Cue lots of tears, my dad repeating he could see why I felt how I felt but my mums stony silence when any bad word was said about my brother spoke volumes. I poured my heart out to them and told them how upset I’ve been. My dad said he’d speak to my brother when he next saw him. A few days later I could see on the WhatsApp group my brother sent dozens of photos and said it was lovely to see my parents. It turns out that whilst they were happy to wait for me to go to them, they had reached out to my brother and asked if he was ok. No one had reached out to me. My brother wouldn’t even have been bothered, whereas I had been crying myself to sleep with rejection over the whole thing, like that little girl in my bedroom I used to be.

Next time I saw my parents I asked if they’d spoken to him about his behaviour. They said they hadn’t as it wasn’t the right time! I suspected they hadn’t because I hadn’t heard anything but I got upset again and left in tears. I told them again how I feel over the whole thing and how much pain I’ve been in. They said it’s an issue between me and him and they won’t take sides. I told them they should though - there is clearly a right and a wrong side! They just don’t care - my brother can do no wrong. I have now left the family WhatsApp group I set up years ago because it’s too painful to see them carrying on as though my brother hasn’t done anything wrong. They have never and will never pull him up on his selfish behaviour. They don’t seem to notice or care I’m no longer in the group. I just can’t understand it. He could take them or leave them all really, it was me who would visit, update them all on my children, send regular photos etc.

My mum sent me a polite, distant message saying she hopes we’ve had a good week. I said well actually I’ve been struggling a lot and had never felt so low. I’ve had a lot to deal with, some issues with the children. While I also gave some positive updates, the reply was ‘oh sounds like you need a holiday’.

I couldn’t imagine my daughters ever telling me how much they were struggling and not saying this is silly - I’m coming over, what can I do help. They haven’t been the parents or grandparents to my children I wish they would be, but I didn’t think it could have got much worse, until it did. It just hurts that they weren’t there for me when I really needed them to be, and they don’t miss me.

I have had no contact let alone apology from my brother. He hasn’t lost anything, and I feel as though I’ve lost my entire family. I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me, whereas he was in the wrong but his life hasn’t changed at all.

I have the most wonderful supportive husband and my beautiful children. I can’t believe I still feel so upset given everything I do have in my life. I suppose I don’t really know what I’m asking. I think that little girl in me just wants some reassurance.

Yabu because they won't ever give you what you need and you keep setting yourself up to be kicked at this point op.

I’m sorry your parents and brother are so crap. Please put all your energy into your lovely little family at home and know that you did nothing wrong in sticking up for your child x

Go to therapy
They won't change
Your dad enables your mums behaviour against you as he doesn't want her to be like that against him
He doesn't have your back
Your mum doesn't like you and wasn't a good parent
She will favour brothers dc over your dc and exact the same dynamics. Don't let her. Pull back and see them on your terms only
Aka when you have support from your dh or want to play "distant but friendly" family
You'll never get what you want and what you needed desperately as a child from them. I'm really sorry. Build that bond with your own friends and model unconditional love and positive regard within yourself and your daughter

They won't change. You can protect your dc from being exposed to their shitty behaviour, though.

You didn't deserve to be treated like that, and the problem is with them not you.

You don't need them.

Firstly, this sounds really tough. I’m sorry.

BUT your parents and brother are acting the way they have acted your entire life. As tough as it is you have to accept that and find a way to live with that dynamic, whether that’s taking a step back, therapy, etc.

I do think some of the things sound like they become very dramatically unnecessarily, including from your side, but I expect that’s just a lifetime of old wounds.

If you can get to the point where you can clearly see that you did not do anything to deserve this, you will be well on your way.

Unfortunately you will have to accept that all of them have been abusive to you and continue to do so. This speaks volumes about them and says nothing about you. They would have done it to anyone born into that family.

You have so much good in you. Separate from them and stand with the family you have created with DH.

First time parents can be dickish about stuff like this. Doesn't make it okay, but for me it would be forgiveable in isolation, owing to the stress of having a newborn.

However.
I completely agree with PP that you are repeatedly setting yourself up for a kicking here. And moreover, this favouritism will eventually transfer onto the kids - when they're playing with their cousins and start arguing, you know who's going to get the blame.

I think you need to effectively grieve the family you should have had, and then redesign your relationship with them. You don't have to go NC but stop expecting anything from them. Treat them as casual acquaintances, like friendly neighbours or your kids' friends' parents.

Hopefully the many people on this thread who will undoubtedly tell you YANBU will give you the confidence to handle any future issues with the calm detachment you would use for any of those casual acquaintances. Carry on sticking up for your daughter and remove her, and yourself, from their company if it carries on.

Good luck, and I'm sorry they're arses!

Dump the bloody lot of them op.

Your dd needs to never be near any of them.
Nasty fuckers
.

What a sad situation for you and your lovely children. I think the scales have now fallen from your eyes and you can see clearly how they have always treated you. I agree with other posters to visit on your own terms and nurture your own family. Some cognitive analytical therapy would be of benefit if you are able to access it.

I hope you can find the strength you need to combat this awful and unhealthy dynamic. It’s a them problem. 🌷🌻

I agree with @takealettermsjones . Sadly, you probably will never have the kind of relationships you'd like with your family. You can still spend time with your parents and brother, but for your own sake, you need to adjust expectations and protect your emotional wellbeing by cultivating enough distance that you aren't ending up in tears when they do what they've always done. If that's simply not possible for you, then I'd cut back on contact.

For the sake of your mental health, your daughter, and your own family unit, you need to fuck the lot (your parents and brother) of them off. They are toxic and will only ever continue to bring you misery as they have done all your life. I wish you well in finding happiness with your own family, away from these awful people. 💐

It isn’t an issue between your brother and you, it’s an issue between your parents and you. Your brother’s entitled and shitty attitude is a separate issue. The issue with your parents is their disgusting treatment of you and their willingness to throw you under the bus to make him happy. The fact they refuse to see that is the entire problem.

They aren’t going to suddenly change. They do not care. They are not going to treat your daughter fairly in comparison to her cousin. Is the trauma and pain you experience seeing them honestly worth what they bring to your life?

Grieve the birth family you wanted but never had, and focus on the wonderful nuclear family you have built instead. I’m sorry, Op. It sounds incredibly hard.

This is important, and I agree especially with ‘You can protect your dc from being exposed to their shitty behaviour, though’. Sad but true.

OP, you absolutely have a duty to shield your lovely daughter - and other child/children - from your brother's poison and your parents ineffectualness, and inability and outright refusal to crack down on it. Your daughter needs love, not nasty carping and criticism from her hateful uncle. Time to wave bye bye to them and concentrate on your own family. Good luck. ☘️

You will have peace, calm and more joy in your life without them. Believe me ♥️

there used to be a stately homes thread on here that was very helpful to me in a similar position maybe you can look out for that x

My friend. They will not change their behaviour or give you the recognition you want. Drop them.

Look to your own little family and protect them from your parents. Think of it this way, when they need help when they get older, is your brother going to step up or will they guilt you? Step back and start building your shiny spine. Focus on the people that actually love and need you.

Yanbu OP but by speaking to them about it and giving them chances to explain / apologise / change, you are effectively just torturing yourself over and over again.

You are an adult with husband and kids and they are still treating you and your brother the same unfair way that they always have.

They won't ever see they're doing anything wrong and they won't change. Any time you bring it up will just be evidence about how emotional or sensitive you are.

You are best off staying out of it and getting therapy. I think your family would be better off out of it as well as they will start treating your brothers child better than yours

I’ve said YABU because you are unreasonable to keep going back for more and accepting the dynamic. I can’t tell if they are actually hurtful or you are very sensitive but either way stop letting them affect you and get some counselling. You can’t control their actions but can learn to manage your reaction.

I’ve voted YANBU because YANBU to be upset.

However. This won’t change. Especially now that he has a baby. If anything it will get worse as his child gets older and yours starts to realise how her uncle treats her.

You need to work out whether it is more upsetting for you to maintain superficial contact, or just to go NC completely. Personally I would take a break from the lot of them for a while. Tell them you’re very busy between now and Christmas and just stop responding to messages. No more pouring your heart out or asking them to speak to your brother. It won’t work and it’s just going to upset you.

Then see how you feel after a few months- maybe go back to very occasional meet ups with your parents but without your brother there. How are your parents with you and your DD if you meet up alone without your brother? If they are decent it would be nice for her to have a relationship with them, but if not I wouldn’t hesitate to keep her away.

I’d also seek some counselling in the meantime.

The one thing you cannot do is keep things as they are and expose your daughter to all of this.

Also agree that you’re walking into the role of unpaid carer who does all the dirty work whilst your brother is still the golden child. So another reason for you to show that you can maintain some boundaries.

You need to stop expecting what you’re never going to get. Unfortunately, your parents aren’t great.

If I fell out with my sibling like this, my parents probably wouldn’t get involved and if they did it wouldn’t be to take sides on who’s right and wrong (they’d remind me he’s in PFB stage, and remind him it’s good for babies to interact with kids and build their immune system).

Therefore I think you’re asking for something that it would be okay for parents not to give in this scenario to compensate for a lifetime of not getting what you needed from them. You were set up to fail.

You need to decide what relationship you want to have with your family (not the relationship they have with you, you can’t control that) and act accordingly. If you want to be in a WhatsApp group with them and speaking multiple times a day, that’s fine but you can’t make them instigate it how you want. If you want to cut them off entirely, also fine.

I’d suggest you seek some therapy though to move past your childhood trauma for your own sake though.

Accepting how they actually are and not how you want them to be is very hard but necessary here.

I think you have to focus on not passing it down, and unfortunately in this case this may mean going no contact.

You are not going to change them, and maintaining contact with them will only expose your children to the same kind of differential treatment you received. The only way to avoid exposing them to that is to stop being exposed to it yourself, and that means removing yourself from the situation altogether.

None of this is about the incident with your DC. That sounds like one of those situations which in a loving family would be no big deal - he spoke to your DC a bit harshly (probably because he’s germophopic around his new baby), you asked him not to, everyone got a bit het up and over-reacted. That whole incident sounds like a storm in a tea cup and I’d like expect something like that to be dropped and not mentioned again. I wouldn’t expect apologies and checking in and analysis of who is right and wrong and all this drama.

BUT - the problem is that you don’t feel you are in a normal loving family where people occasionally speak without thinking and we forgive each other. You feel your parents have always favoured him and continue to. Like PP have said, you need therapy for that. If you are going to talk to your parents about it, that’s the issue I’d be tackling “mum and dad you always made me feel like brother was your favourite and I still feel this way” - not a spat about a 4 year old’s clean hands at lunch.

I don’t know if this is helpful to you or not op, but I don’t think this dynamic is uncommon. A close friend of mine had very similar. In the end she decided she still wanted contact with her parents and made an effort to see them
independently of her sibling. This did mean accepting that they spent time with her sibling too, and that they would not stand up to the sibling, which was hard for her but she decided maintaining contact was worth it. For joint events involving her sibling too she decides if she wants to come or not. I believe she had some counselling to get to the place she is, and she did have a conversation with her parents about her boundaries etc. It is still not easy, but she’s worked really hard to come to terms with how things are and I think she feels empowered in having decided how she’s willing to engage with them all and setting her own boundaries. She has no contact with her sibling except when they sometimes attend the same family functions and, as far as I can gather, they just stay out each other’s way.