Childhood wounds reopening. Am I wrong?

[SapphireSparkIes]

I have gone backwards and forwards on whether to post. But I’m still feeling raw a couple of months on so I’d be really grateful on some objective input.

Some background - despite the fact we are now late thirties, my younger brother is and always has been the favourite. He can do no wrong in my parent’s eyes. As a result he has grown into a self-centred man with little real life experience. This year however, he got married and had his first baby.

Because of the way my parents were when we were younger if there was ever a disagreement with my brother and me, I used to cry in my bedroom until I couldn’t cry any more. I felt twisted up inside with the unfairness of the way they acted as if he was never wrong and as a child it felt like the end of the world that my parents never put me first. Even now I struggle to ever feel good enough as I had years and years of being told it was always my fault. It felt then like everything I did was wrong and I was so aware he was put up on this pedestal. Even after all these years, remembering the words ‘oh you know what she’s like…’ said to him about me by my parents following any sort of disagreement still feels like a knife to my heart. That’s so much for a little child to bear. I was so acutely aware he was the favourite.

Because of the dynamic with my brother and me growing up, as adults we had a civil yet fairly arms-length relationship. Any meeting up outside our parents home was always initiated by me and was quite hard work as he wouldn’t ask questions, any conversation was fairly one-sided.

As I mentioned, he now has a baby. I have children too and a couple of months ago my brother his new wife and their baby were at my parents house for lunch along with me and my 4 year old who has a rare genetic condition along with learning difficulties. My brother was on the floor and my daughter who thinks he’s amazing climbed on his back which is how they are used to playing with him. He angrily told her to be quiet and if not then to get off. I was taken aback but asked her to come and sit with me. Despite her SEN, she is happy, sociable and very loving. Over lunch, she wanted to go and see the baby in its bouncer. I’d made sure she’d finished eating, wiped her hands and told her not to touch the baby, just look. She went over to the baby and picked up their toy ball which she handed to my brother. He despaired and said ‘urgh now you’ve got your dirty hands all over it’.

I don’t like conflict but felt so uncomfortable with him talking to her that way. She didn’t touch the baby, I had wiped her hands and she was showing her uncle a ball. For context my parents have a dog which he has no problem letting near the baby. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I said ‘Name, what’s wrong with her hands?’ And asked him not to speak to her like that. Instead of apologising he stood by what he said and demanded an explanation staring me down at my parents table. My parents didn’t say anything and I just said please don’t speak to her like that. He got up and left with his family. I was upset with my parents for not backing me up. In fact my mum ran after him to make sure he was ok.. and later told me she told him I’ve had a lot to deal with lately, as if that explains me calmly standing up for my daughter? My dad told me he could see exactly why I said what I said to him though.

I was upset by what had happened and I told my parents how I felt - that it still feels he can do no wrong. We left shortly after and I didn’t hear from anyone for a few weeks! I felt broken, my mental health has really suffered. We’d gone from sending daily WhatsApp messages and photos to absolutely nothing. No one asking about me and my children. Through no fault of my own, I was being made to feel again like it was all my fault. Fast forward a few weeks and I went to see my parents. Cue lots of tears, my dad repeating he could see why I felt how I felt but my mums stony silence when any bad word was said about my brother spoke volumes. I poured my heart out to them and told them how upset I’ve been. My dad said he’d speak to my brother when he next saw him. A few days later I could see on the WhatsApp group my brother sent dozens of photos and said it was lovely to see my parents. It turns out that whilst they were happy to wait for me to go to them, they had reached out to my brother and asked if he was ok. No one had reached out to me. My brother wouldn’t even have been bothered, whereas I had been crying myself to sleep with rejection over the whole thing, like that little girl in my bedroom I used to be.

Next time I saw my parents I asked if they’d spoken to him about his behaviour. They said they hadn’t as it wasn’t the right time! I suspected they hadn’t because I hadn’t heard anything but I got upset again and left in tears. I told them again how I feel over the whole thing and how much pain I’ve been in. They said it’s an issue between me and him and they won’t take sides. I told them they should though - there is clearly a right and a wrong side! They just don’t care - my brother can do no wrong. I have now left the family WhatsApp group I set up years ago because it’s too painful to see them carrying on as though my brother hasn’t done anything wrong. They have never and will never pull him up on his selfish behaviour. They don’t seem to notice or care I’m no longer in the group. I just can’t understand it. He could take them or leave them all really, it was me who would visit, update them all on my children, send regular photos etc.

My mum sent me a polite, distant message saying she hopes we’ve had a good week. I said well actually I’ve been struggling a lot and had never felt so low. I’ve had a lot to deal with, some issues with the children. While I also gave some positive updates, the reply was ‘oh sounds like you need a holiday’.

I couldn’t imagine my daughters ever telling me how much they were struggling and not saying this is silly - I’m coming over, what can I do help. They haven’t been the parents or grandparents to my children I wish they would be, but I didn’t think it could have got much worse, until it did. It just hurts that they weren’t there for me when I really needed them to be, and they don’t miss me.

I have had no contact let alone apology from my brother. He hasn’t lost anything, and I feel as though I’ve lost my entire family. I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me, whereas he was in the wrong but his life hasn’t changed at all.

I have the most wonderful supportive husband and my beautiful children. I can’t believe I still feel so upset given everything I do have in my life. I suppose I don’t really know what I’m asking. I think that little girl in me just wants some reassurance.

You and your brother are adults now and responsible for yourself. You are being unreasonable to expect your parents to take a parental role in this situation. They don’t need to speak to him, or tell him anything about his behaviour.
You and your brother don’t really get on and it sounds as though you never have. As an adult, you don’t need to have a relationship with him. If you want to have that relationship, you need to accept him as the person he is, he will not change. But you can choose not to spend time with him if you prefer not to.
Same with your parents. If you want to have a relationship with them, have that relationship with the people that they are, not the parents you wish you’d had as a child. You don’t need to have any input on the relationship they have with your brother now.

YABU to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result.

This is an unhealthy dynamic. The more you try and get your mum to see why you are upset, the more rejection you'll put yourself through.

You need to accept they aren't capable of being the parents you want them to be. They won't change. The only thing you have power over is your own response.

I'm sorry they can't be the parents you need them to be.

Your parents and your brother are never going to offer you the kind of family relationship you want @SapphireSparkIes . There is clearly a very unhealthy dynamic that is hard wired into years and years of behaviours that is hurting you.

The good news is you are an adult and you get to decide who can be in your life now and on what terms. You can't control your parents, or your brother or any other adult, but you can decide what time you want to spend with them, if any, and what are your own rules of engagement.

You might need to spend some time grieving for the relationship you never had and will never have, but also think very realistically about the relationship you want to have going forwards. They will all continue to behave exactly as they always have done, so think hard about how much of that you want in your life.

I am glad you have your own lovely family now.

Your brother sounds like a complete arsehole, but it’s not for parents of adult children to referee squabbles between their adult children. If one if my DCs asked me to talk to their sibling about their behaviour I’d tell them that it was between them, and they needed to sort it out themselves. It’s unfair to put parents in the middle.

You need to step back and come to terms with the fact that you will never have the relationship with your parents or brother that you crave. You have your husband and children and need to try stop seeking the approval of your family by messaging and sending photos of the children.

Park the relationship with your brother. If you come across him, say hello, be cordial and leave it at that. Your children don’t need cousins, lots of families don’t see their cousins regularly - sometimes it’s just part of the Hallmark family that we think everyone has.

As for your parents, they are who they are, they aren’t going to change now so either park that relationship too or foster a new relationship on your terms. The odd checking in messages, the odd visit, etc. It will hurt for a while and you will miss them but keep yourself busy with other thoughts. Find things to do to occupy your time - read, a hobby, nurture or make new friendships, etc.

And while I think your parents shouldn’t have ran after your brother the day of the argument, they were right not to intervene or should have said to you both to take your argument outside, it wasn’t anything to do with them.

Take the steps back, park the relationship with your parents or re-define it, it will be painful for a few months but in time, you will be much, much happier. Don’t fall into a trap of running back if they ask for help, etc. - you don’t own them anything.

@SapphireSparkIes My advice, I'm sorry to say, is this is how it is. It will never ever change. It's never going to get easier or better no matter what you say or do or how you behave. They are now gaslighting your sweet child, the next generation.
OP, through 40 years and more of my own experience save your heartache. Concentrate on the life you are making for your little one, the apple of your eye and your happy future with her. 💐
Edited to add; and all your children.

I agree with this and all the other people saying they will never give you what you need.

If you can, I would highly recommend some counselling to process all this. How you felt as a child can have a sting hold over you as an adult and it really helps to process that and let most of it go.

I'm sorry they treat you so badly, it hurts. But you can find ways of processing it and find new ways to deal with it.

Loads of sympathy. I'm in a similar but different situation aged 60+. Everyone is right saying it will never change; I wish I had dumped the lot of them decades ago.

I hope you are in therapy. If not your GP might be able to arrange 6 free counselling sessions just to get you started.

Sorry but you seem stuck. You need to go and talk to a professional about dealing with these issues and how you feel, otherwise it will ruin your life. Your other alternative is to cut them off.

You refer to your brother as a self centred man with selfish behaviours, you clearly don't like him but your daughter adores him as he let her climb over him during play. It's not unreasonable to tell a boisterous 4 year old to quieten down. With the ball, all you had to say was 'relax, her hands are clean'. Someone up thread referred to you making a mountain out of a molehill.

From the way you described it, you were spoiling for a fight. Doubtless your brother is in a bit precious new born mode. What about cutting him a bit of slack as a new parent. Your daughter didnt seem to be upset by what was said but weeks and months later you are still dragging it out, demanding apologies for something that should have been long forgotten. He did the right thing by leaving, it was only firing to escalate.

Then asking your parents if they had spoken to your brother about his behaviour and getting upset, leaving and crying again because they said it wasn't the right time. Leaving what's app group because they don't want to be involved saying they have been not parents or grandparents. Come on. Where is your accountability in all this? You are stuck crying in that bedroom still. You state you are late 30's and we know you are a mother. Please talk to someone about how process the past it or extricate yourself from it.

I can’t tell you how helpful these comments have all been to me today. I was half expecting to be told I was being ridiculous for feeling the strength of feeling I do even now as an adult.

I know a lot of work you do on yourself has to come within and me posting this today was a big step for me. But the advice and the validation and reassurance too today has given me the boost I didn’t really appreciate how much I needed! @Mum4MrA said about the scales falling from my eyes and I think this is what’s been happening gradually recently. @takealettermsjones has given me the advice to treat them as I might acquaintances. This makes a lot of sense and seems a good middle ground between protecting my heart and preserving what scraps of relationship we have left.

Last week I started a course of typed therapy so it’s great to think maybe I’m on the right track by doing that too. I hope it will help, I felt a bit like a fraud because I do have so much to be thankful for. I hope to try and process this and the feelings I have around my daughter’s diagnosis too.

Thank you everyone for helping me more than you’ll know. I think I just needed to hear I wasn’t wrong or at least there were understandable reasons for the way I have been feeling. I genuinely feel a bit more peace now already! I know there are a number of issues at play here but it’s frightening how much childhood experiences can still affect you as an adult. So sorry it doesn’t seem to be an uncommon situation. X

Good luck OP. It may seem like a lot to process but the fact you have acknowledged it and started to put steps on place will give you a peace to enjoy the family you have created.

I really felt the hurt and pain in your post. You weren’t overreacting - you were literally reliving the emotions you felt in childhood when you saw your own little girl get the same treatment of blame and disdain. Read ‘Let Them’, do your grieving, and know you will be a better Mum to your lovely family. Sending hugs

I feel so much for you OP. I have different issues with my parents but also a distant relationship with them and my brother. I’ve let go of the idea that they can provide any understanding or comfort to me. Some families just don’t, and sadly no amount of talking about it will help. It just gives them more ammunition.

I know it’s hard but if they cause you this much pain then distance yourself, don’t make make the effort or give them details of your life. Just focus on your immediate family who love you unconditionally.

I don't have the answers OP, only you can decide what relationship works for you going forwards however I would be guided by a few statements I see as obvious.
Firstly, your parents and brother will not change. Your brother will treat you and your family poorly and your parents will always take his side. At least your mother will and your father will go along with it. All the pleading in the world will not change this. They will see you as the problem if you rail against this. You need to accept this will not change and stop trying to find a way to make them. It’s not right but it is that way.
Second, you need to protect your children from being treated as lesser by your family and stand up for them and remove them if necessary. They rely on you. Well done for standing up for your daughter as you did.
Lastly, the only person whose behaviour you can influence here is yours. Decide what you will and won’t accept and how you intend to manage their treatment of you and your family and proceed accordingly. I agree with others talking to a professional would help.

OP, your parents, particularly your mother and brother are horrible people.

Unfortunately you as an adult are picking relentlessly at a scab hoping it will heal.

It NEVER will.
This is who they are.

I don't mean to be harsh, but you are wasting these years with your lovely husband and family tearing yourself apart, picking at that scab.

I'm so glad that you are slowly waking up to that.

You will eventually get to a place where you will feel pity for them and their toxic legacy as parents.

Their legacy is of awful parents that destroyed their childs childhood with their relentless favouritism.

Don't let your legacy be of an obsessed mother who couldn't see the lovely family she was blessed with, because she couldn't accept that sometimes we are given shit parents.

You have control over your legacy and the type of family you want.

Don't continue to allow your parents and brother this power over you and your lovely family.

Take your power back.
Keep your children away from such people, they serve no purpose.

Invest in your therapy, I really hope it helps.
Be kind and loving to the little child you were.
Be proud of all you have achieved in your life, despite them.
Stop sharing your pain with them, they don't care.

Reduce contact to the very bare minimum.
I really wouldn't want my precious children exposed to them.
Leave them to each other and invest in building your life away from them.
It can be done.
Wishing you well.

Sorry your brother is a spoilt prick.

your parents will never support you.

horrible!

but you cannot change them.

please, go low contact, build a good life away from them.

they are not good people. You can do better.