You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear

[TheSowsEar]

I first came across this expression during A level English around 35 years ago. It was in DH Lawrence's The Rainbow, I think.

It's something that's been expressed to me about myself quite a few times since either directly, the coarser version of ^you can't polish shit', indirectly where the sentiment has been communicated if the expression itself wasn't used or just being told to 'do better' appearance wise and failing.

It's how I've come to think of myself throughout the years. I stopped making any kind of effort with my appearance about 3 years ago. I never dress up, I don't wear make up. I just don't try to look nice anymore. Clean, yes; tidy, yes; presentable, yes but not nice or attractive. I feel quite uncomfortable at the thought of 'making an effort' nowadays.

I find I receive far fewer negative comments about my appearance since I stopped bothering at all (well, none actually). Obviously, I don't get positive ones either but they were few and far between anyway. I can live without those. I just got really sick of being told I should try harder, try differently, be better and never quite managing it anyway. Or just being mocked for trying but failing to meet other people's expectations.

Has anyone else just given up on trying to look nice and found that once they were no longer perceived to be doing it, no one cared at all?

I don't know what the aibu would be.

YABU - you should always try to look your best even if your best isn't great
YANBU - I stopped trying (or never did) and also noticed less negativity

(Obviously, the people commenting negatively were mostly my mum, men and a couple of female friends over the years).

I just got really sick of being told I should try harder, try differently, be better and never quite managing it anyway. Or just being mocked for trying but failing to meet other people's expectations....Obviously, the people commenting negatively were mostly my mum

What if she was wrong? If you haven't considered therapy to get a more balanced view them it might be worthwhile.

I can see why therapy is the obvious answer but it's been really noticeable that, since I stopped making an effort at all, I don't get any negative comments at all. When I ignored them and did make an effort, it wasn't ever enough and people took it as an invitation to criticise.

People seem to accept me as a sow's ear. But the silk purse wasn't ever good enough.

People seem to accept me as a sow's ear.

Nope. That's your perception. How many 'sow's ears' do you see in your day to day life?

You’d female friends who fold you you looked like you were polishing shit?.

It’s a horrible expression and it has clearly been very damaging for your own mother and others to direct such an unpleasant sentiment at you, repeatedly, to the point that it’s damaged your self esteem.

I haven’t voted on your poll as I don’t agree with either option. I hate that women feel they need to try to adhere to some arbitrary standard and if they don’t that they aren’t “making an effort” and don’t “look nice”.

I don’t wear make up, I am clean and tidy, presentable. I have no interest in anyone else’s expectations of what I look like, and if anyone mocked me for my appearance that would be the end of my interaction with them.

Present yourself how you like and in a way that makes you feel confident and happy, however that is.

You’re not a sow’s ear. You’re a human woman.

I don’t actually think it matters if you make an effort or not. Because everyone is more comfortable in different ways. Some people like dressing up and makeup and others don’t, both options are fine whatever you prefer as an individual. You’re not living your life for other people, live it for yourself. You only get one.

I voted she was unreasonable because I don’t really align either, to be clean, tidy and presentable is making an effort with your appearance and no one needs to wear make up , everyone can present as they wish

It's a horrible misogynistic phrase designed to humiliate the recipient (always female and usually middle aged or older). Sometimes simply to be unkind and cruel to a woman the giver actually doesn't believe is attractive, and sometimes as a form of negging and they don't actually believe it at all, they just want to bring someone down a peg or two.

Do whatever you want with your appearance because it makes you feel good. Don't listen to anyone else's deliberately cruel comments.

OP, you are not a sow's ear. No one is. I have a friend who thinks she is. She has stunning hair, a curvy, shapely figure, good features, but she wears 'don't notice me' clothes and no make up. I'd love to help her make more of her looks, but I know she would hate me for it, and I love her as she is. It's her who is the critic.

Anyone who was rude when you made an effort is more of a sow than you.

But I do know some women who don't habitually make an effort, so that when they do, they do it in a way that seems very out of character. Such as a shy woman in bright red lipstick and a too-tight figure-hugging dress. It's not that these things are wrong, they just aren't in keeping with personality.

Why not make an effort in a very natural way - a neutral lipstick, a bit of tinted moisturiser, shaoed brows, mascara if you are fair. Maybe a silk or satin blouse in a colour that accentuates the colour of your eyes, and some well fitted jeans or cords, chic trainers, or boots with a low heel?

Every woman looks better with a good hair cut, well-shaped brows, good posture, nice nails. And many look better with a little make up to accentuate best features and tone down bad ones. Do it for yourself, no one else.

I have to be honest, I'm familiar with the phase, but I wasn't aware of it being applied to people!

The comments happened when you did things to you appearance and stopped when you stopped, because when you were percieved to be 'making an effort' you were percieved to care. This gave ammunition to attack you with, as there's only a point to insults if the person cares.
This has nothing to do with your looks, I guarantee it. Its to do with indulging cruelty.
Dress up and make up if it's fun and brings you joy. If you're not interested, don't bother. But make it your choice for you.
And no, you can't make a Silk purse from a pigs ear. But that's entirely irrelevant to whether or not a woman wishes to dress up, given she is neither of these things.

I had a female friend who told me you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear and another who told me I was ugly on the inside so it didn't matter what I did, thats all people would see. We weren't even arguing. I was walking home from work and a man shouted, "Oi, ugly," at me. I got in (we were flatmates too), told her and expected us to have a bit of a laugh about what a loser he was but that's what she said.

It was a boyfriend who told me you can't polish shit after I'd got ready for a night out.

I agree with all of that. But it's still had an impact.

I was a teenager when my mum started commenting.

Im not going to pretend it was constant but every decade has carried the comments. Im in my 50s now and I just dont want to hear it anymore. But its how I feel about myself.

I used to like 'making an effort' but I jsut feel ashamed and embarrassed now.

That’s sad for you, it’s nothing about your appearance and everything about the people who said it,

I appreciate your suggestions. None of those would be in keeping with my preferred style. But I understand the point you're making.

I just don't want to hear the criticisms.

Yes, you're right. And I know that. But the men who have made comments seem to either be afffrotned by it or disappointed I wasn't better.

Jesus there are are/were some fucking horrible people in your life!

They are the ugly ones, who are only happy when they have beaten every bit of prettiness/self-care/effort out of you.

Ditch them, and enjoy whatever style extravagances you like.

The only phrase you need to remember is "don't let the bastards keep you down."

You can't choose your mum, but you can certainly choose better men and friends.
Nobody should be talking to you like this.

Seriously, who ARE these women who make comments like this to their friends/daughters?? I've seen a few threads like this - I never come across it in normal life. In fact, the opposite - I find people are more likely to always be complementary and say I look gorgeous even if I don't.
Hope you got rid of the awful boyfriend who said that to you too!

It’s clear the comments have had an impact, which is where therapy might help. People shouting at you in the street is alarming but that random unpleasant man isn’t actually right and if your self esteem and self worth hadn’t been chipped away by your mother, friends etc then it wouldn’t have had any impact on you. You’d have been able to shrug it off and recognise that it’s about the issues that the person shouting at you has and is nothing to do with you.

I have had people shout similar things at me in the street about my weight, but I have not had my self esteem damaged by family/friends and so have been able deal with the comments and move on.

That's because some men are furious that they can't attract women with super model looks, so they take it out on the perfectly pleasant looking women who do give them the time of day.

Most MN problems can be cured by gettimg better friends!

I get where the op is coming from - in my I hate myself periods I think I look shit so better to look shit having made no effort than look shit after making some effort. I say to myself like putting lipstick on a pig. Obviously, my hatred of my body and face stems from childhood - mine was mostly about weight, my mother was obsessed.

No one has actually made any comment to me but they don't need to I do it myself. I know logically it's bollocks and I am being mental but habits are hard to break.

Op your feelings about yourself are not rooted in reality - if your friend said to you "you have three heads" you'd think you are a nutter, you wouldn't believe her would you and look in the mirror, but when it's something we are concious of it reopens an old wound we react and believe it. Things very unhappy emotionally unsafe mothers say are all about them feeling better about themselves, again nothing rooted in reality.

You need new friends.